Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Fragile-handle with care

I can't sleep. Well, I probably could sleep if I'd just go to bed. I find myself staying up really late for no real reason at all other than trying to figure out this new life I've created for myself. The move went really well-lots of help. People went above and beyond just to help my little family. I was a bit surprised at the extent really.
This whole settling in part is throwing me off. My life has changed drastically and it's been hard to adjust. Sometimes I love having the whole place to myself in the evening with the kids asleep and my time truly my own. Mostly I don't. Mostly it's really lonely. Peaceful, but lonely. Not only have I lost the only other adult who is technically responsible for these 2 kids and a second body in the house to help, but I am mourning the loss of my best friend. Because no matter how he treated me, I always viewed him as that. The two of us talk A LOT as those who know us well can attest to. So now it's just really quiet around here (once kids are in bed obviously and I still haven't got the bedtime routine down pat with just me doing it every night yet). Right now I don't want the logic of all the good things that are coming from this situation, I just want to be sad about the loss.
Now that things have settled I feel forgotten by those who shouldn't forget me, like an afterthought. Like now that the major decisions are made and the hurricane has been weathered I don't need anyone. I get it-people have their own lives and they're busy. I get it. But it still hurts my heart. And there's another part of me that can hardly stand to talk about things because that hurts my heart even more. So that part of me just wants to be left alone to grieve and mourn my losses in solitude until time makes this bearable. This feels like a death to me-the end of so many things. All the "you'll get through it -you're strong/ it's for the best" comments are understandable but a lot of times people say other things and I wonder what is going through their heads. Like I don't understand this situation or the reasons it's happening? I don't need it spelled out for me- I GET IT. Empathy and tact go a long way. I'm just so heartbroken. Maybe I'll get a sign that says Fragile-handle with care and wear it around my neck til things start to get better. Because they will, right?
P.S. Bear with me-it's late and I just needed to vent.
P.P.S. MAJOR exception being my good friend and visiting teacher Karen who came this past week and was everything I needed her to be. Thanks hon.


misssrobin said...

Take your time. Grieving has to be done at your own pace. It doesn't matter if it will all be for the better -- right now it sucks. That's reality. And it's okay to feel horrible about all of it, no matter how right the decision was.

People say stupid things. I'm sorry people have hurt you. I'm sorry they just don't understand. I'm sorry they don't know what you really need.

That was a beautiful rant. Well done.

Jake said...

I'm sorry for your loss. We're praying for you and yours.

M said...

I hope Im not one of those who you feel has forgotten you. Trust me, you are in my thoughts every day.

I may not say a lot, but Im always with you. I try to not talk at work, because you know how it is there...;)

Love you and Im here, any time. Seriously.

Rainbow of Power!!!

Jewels said...

I also hope I'm not somebody who has said something insensitive... if I have, big hugs and I'm really sorry!!

We definitely have NOT forgotten you! Whenever you're ready for company, let us know and we'd love to hang out.

love you. I'm glad to have you as a SIL, you're fantastic :)

Mandy said...

You are totally allowed to feel angry or mad or whatever you feel at the time. I wished so many times that people would let me feel what I needed to but I always just felt pressure to move on and not feel upset or angry (this was when my Dad died). Sometimes people just don't know how to deal with other people that are experiencing negative or different emotions. That is no excuse for people ignoring you or trying to minimize how you feel. Those who really know you and truly love you will be there until the end. I love you and miss you.

k said...

hey friend - thanks for the wake-up... sometimes getting the negative out helps dust off the positive still in there. You are carrying a heavy load, but you already know that! Thanks for the kind words - not needed, but always appreciated :) back at ya!!