Monday, July 26, 2010

Reality check

I am back from Summerland and had the BEST time ever. I need to move there and see if I like living there as much as I like to vacation there. I feel SO connected to life, so connected to ME when I'm out there. Running down by the beach in the morning, swimming and boating in the lake, enjoying family and friends. I LOVE the water. I love being active and moving my body so much every day. It was the most relaxed I've been in at least a year. I didn't think about moving day or separating from Joe or packing or all the things I had to do. I just thought about what we had to pack to take to the beach or that I really should stop eating all this food or that the kids needed more sunscreen but not one bit about reality. I didn't even have to talk myself out of thinking and analyzing over and over-I was completely away from it all even though the source of it was in bed beside me every night, it didn't faze me. Got a bit sad one evening (only one out of seven-not bad considering sad has been my on and off state for over a month now) and went for a walk down to the dock. Just laid there on a bench staring up at the sky watching the clouds with tears running down my cheeks and listened to the water. Wondering how I got here, to this point, and where life would take me. Knowing that as long as I'm doing what's right (which is SO cliche but SO true) I will be guided by the Spirit and not fear the future. Wanting a guy who does the same with his life which is truly NOT the guy I have now. He is not guided by anything but what he feels like doing that minute ( we should all be so lucky).
I am learning a lot about what I'm made of. That I really will do what is asked of me when the going gets tough. And it's been tough. Learning why I've chosen the men I have in the past and why I've stayed in a situation that could make me a guest on Oprah. It's kind of like waking up from a deep sleep ,which sounds odd, but I am starting to feel alive again. Not just going through the motions. I used to tell Miss A that I felt like I had a fake life-what people saw definitely wasn't what I was getting. I don't feel like that any longer. The more people I tell and the more open I am, the better I feel. I think Satan tries to make us ashamed of what we've been accepting of and encourages secrecy. Someone told me the other day that true love gets better with time, not worse. What? This is a news flash to my love life. Tolerance has a limit and I have definitely reached mine. I move to my new house this Saturday with the help of many wonderful friends and family. It'll be nice to not have to be on guard all the time. Please don't think that I have been abused physically-I just went back and read this and it sounds like that's what I'm alluding to. Those of you who know my husband know what's been going on. I have absolutely been emotionally abused though and it hasn't been fun and it hasn't been right. I can give as good as I get but it's not my first line of defense, though it used to be. I don't want that kind of relationship anymore. It's not what I want my kids to think is normal. The world is crazy enough without the craziness seeping in through the cracks of my own house. I'm done with crazy. I want boring. Same old, day in day out, BORING. ( Maybe with a few sparks here and there-I am ME after all).
Oh yeah. Joe calls me at work today to tell me that Miss Cate has been busy tearing apart my jewelery box ( that he left open while he was downstairs on the phone) and he came up to see jewelery strewn everywhere and Cate FLUSHING things down the toilet. What things you ask? Only my wedding and engagement ring and the other half of 5 pairs of earrings. Yep. Really? Down the toilet. Now that seems awfully symbolic. I keep telling myself that they're only rings and I wasn't wearing them anyway. But it still hurts. I wanted to be the one to decide what would be done with them. Out of my hands (literally) I suppose unless they miraculously end up turning up when we move this weekend. Insert BIG SIGH HERE.
On the plus side. My fab-u-lous parents used dad's bonus points from his dental lab to get me a Sony 40 inch LCD TV to replace the monsterous beast that has taken up space in our family room these past 5 years. Public thank you was needed. I have the best parents. Initially I turned them down not wanting to use dad's points up til Joe told me I was crazy and to call mom back and gracefully accept their offer. Which I did. I'm not trying to play the "life as I know it will never be the same and they say divorce is 2nd only to death in stress levels "card but facts are facts. AND someone who will remain anonymous is buying me a brand new Samsung frontload washer and dryer to be delivered to the new house this Saturday. THANK YOU! I love laundry-I am the laundry queen and the thought of no washer and dryer was daunting but I knew I would figure something out eventually. Until anonymous figured it out for me. Joe jokes that we should have staged a break-up long ago as this is literally Christmas in July. Um-ok-funny but not. All of these items will now be the nicest things I own. LOL. Not so funny but very true. I am VERY blessed that those dear to me are helping me out so much as I move out on my own with these 2 small children. Can't think about it too much as my chest tightens and I tend to forget to breathe. No-usually I'm okay-just moments of what the heck do I think I'm doing pop up here and there. Nothing I can't handle.
So 2 very good things today and 1 very bad. As I re-read this post I realize I love the word SO and the use of the run-on sentence. Bear with me people. Crisis mode here-not worried about the little things. ;) I'm done-off to bed. Thanks again for all your prayers and love. I really couldn't do it without all of you. xoxo. E

Thursday, July 15, 2010


A church near us has a billboard (for lack of a better word) outside and they always have sayings posted there. Some are funny, some are thought provoking. The other day I drove by and it said this: You're on this earth for a purpose. Find it. It really struck me and I know that is what this next chapter of my life is going to be about. My patriarchal blessing says a lot about service to my family and my fellow man and I do love to be busy serving others. I find with all the emotional turmoil I've been having about getting separated that I haven't had much time to really feel anything else. But the past few days I've felt so much better. Steadier. Not so crushed. Things are really starting to look up and I'm sort of excited to see what my future holds. Still taking life one day at a time but a LOT calmer. Thanks to all of you that have kept my little family in your prayers and on the prayer list at the temple. I can feel the help from above.
We leave for Summerland this Saturday for a week of bliss away from reality. I love Summerland. If you've never been there-GO. I call it Hawaii without the plane ride. I'd love to own a cottage out there someday. When we get back it'll be a week til the big move to my new place and thanks to my BEST FRIEND EVER (Alison) I'm 75% packed. Alison came over last Friday for 6 hours and then her and her 2 kids came Saturday for 7 hours and helped pack and entertain my kids. AMAZING. I've never had a friend I could count on like I can count on her.
So here's to new beginnings, old friends, and a heart that is starting to heal.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I want to thank you all for your amazing support from my last post. Tomorrow will be one month since I decided to separate from my husband and I have gone through every emotion in the book. Sometimes minute to minute. I heard Josh and Joe laughing when I was upstairs reading on my bed and just started crying. Josh doesn't know that these next few weeks are going to be the last that his family is together under one roof. I'm going to have Joe tell him when we're home from vacation because this isn't MY choice-I'm just reacting to Joe's endless poor unhealthy choices. So the news gets to come from his dad even though I'll be there. It's going to rock his little world and not in a good way. I'm REALLY not looking forward to that. Any advice you have to give would be appreciated. I'm not so sad about Joe and I's relationship because it hasn't been great for a very long time but I'm sad about our family relationship and how that will never be the same. We move out of our current home July 31st as neither of us can afford it by ourselves plus I need to start creating my own life without the constant memories from this house.
A therapist I saw at the beginning of the year told me that I dismiss things. Feelings, situations, bad behaviour-I just ignore it and don't let myself feel things fully because it's been too much over the years. I think I just got desensitized to getting treated poorly or crazy things going on in our house. Let me tell you-I'm feeling it all now. And I'm LETTING myself feel it. Kicked a hole in one of our (flimsy) walls one day when no one was around because I was SO angry and frustrated. Started bawling when a friend hugged me in the hall at church. Letting it all out. Hopefully that will make for a better fresh start in the future. No baggage to hold onto. Wish me luck.