Thursday, April 14, 2011

Whatever it takes

It's my new mantra because heaven knows I need one. Whatever it takes to get through this brutal time. It has been BRUTAL emotionally for me recently. I am either freakishly giddy, really pissed off or severely depressed. Does not make for pleasant blogging. Or a pleasant life frankly. I have a hard time focusing on the details of my life and feel like a complete idiot when people are talking and I should be able to follow the conversation or question they are asking me but it gets a little foggy when I try to interpret it. What? Huh? Then I feel like I just want to blurt out my whole life story and that I'm usually way more together than I am right now, but I'm barely surviving with all the things I need to get done just to get through a day working full time with 2 small children and a home to maintain. I get that there are worse things in the world-earthquakes in Japan, children locked in closets by their parents (thanks Oprah for that uplifting episode now I need to go buy more Kleenex) sickness, job loss etc. But what has happened in my life these past 10 years has rocked my emotional world as devastatingly as that earthquake rocked their physical one.
Rocked my world-not in a good way. I am questioning and examining everything that makes me who I am and why I do the things I do. Most days I am just hanging on by my fingernails at the edge of the cliff wondering if anyone will extend a helping hand to pull me up. Unless you've gone through a separation or divorce you just don't get it. If he had stabbed me 1000 times physically, people would be saying you need to rest, wait til your strength is better and you feel up to handling your life. He stabbed me 1000 times emotionally and though you cannot see it, the pain is overwhelming at times. I need time to heal. Time is the one thing that I don't feel I have. My time is rarely my own. I feel such a sense of loss and I never know what will set me off. The census guy was here the other night and asked me the standard questions. "Hubby?" No. But I did have one once. Cue crying fit in the kitchen for 10 minutes after I shut the door. It's funny though (well it's not but whatever) because said hubby didn't treat me very well a lot of the time. And maybe I am grieving that most of all. That I didn't have the self worth to say that it wasn't okay to be treated like that over and over again. I don't think he sees that it's that big a deal which is even harder to take. I invested so much of myself into that relationship and for what? I tried my hardest for 10 years to make it work, be patient, pray, fast, scream, cry, plead, beg until I had nothing left and then I gave it to God and still nothing changed. So there is a part of me that doesn't want to try at anything anymore if this is where I have ended up for trying my hardest. I simply don't have the energy right now. Just getting through it. Whatever it takes. If that means I am 20 minutes late to church-at least I'm going. There are a lot of times lately that I really really don't want to show up for my life. But I am. At least now I know what I don't want. Still trying to figure out how to get what I do want and feel worthy of that. It really doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are when the one person who was supposed to think you were the world didn't seem to feel that way at all. I wasn't even on his list. I'm tired of being unequally yoked except now I'm pulling the freaking handcart completely alone which isn't any harder-just different hard. Thank you to those of you out there who come along the path and help me pull when you can. It makes all the difference. And hopefully someday I will find the person who would be willing to pull the cart even if I had to ride in it for awhile to rest. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. I want someone who is in it for forever not just if he feels like it in the moment. However I truly feel that until I figure out what it is about me that is willing to accept less, I will just get a different looking version of the same person. And I will end up here again. This is not a spot I want to revisit. Through the grace of God I will get through this and come out the other side a better, stronger me.