Sunday, August 29, 2010


Josh and I at the Calgary Zoo-Aug 2010

Photo courtesy of Josh-don't mind my no makeup just going to the park with the kids and didn't think I'd be getting my pic taken but Caitlyn looks too adorable not to post this.

Spray park at Summerland

This is how we found them sleeping in the tent the first night out. So we let them sleep together evey night after that the whole week. SO cute. Took them a good hour to settle most nights.

This is the view along the path I run at Summerland. It is my new screensaver to remind my to be calm. I have been angry about certain people not being sensitive to my needs on and off for the past week. (which has been everyone at certain times and no one at others-I'm hypersensitive right now). I haven't been in the best place emotionally and was focusing on what others were or weren't doing for me or to me or with me. I'm not a let it go kind of gal. I'm a let's confront all the emotions we're feeling and talk about them til someone is crying or yelling so it's all laid out on the table. (When I took my anger management course after Josh was born, I learned that my personality type has to learn to AVOID-pick my battles-not pick to battle every time.)
Then I was sitting at the table at dinner today and decided I was just going to let it go. Not talk to the people I wanted to confront. Not worry or be mad about what I couldn't control but choose to control what I can. Keep my power by choosing to be positive and not stressing about what is so totally wrong with this whole situation or who isn't helping me the way I want them to. Because the reality is that it's really no one's job to make this okay for me. I have to make things okay for myself. Plus, as my sister-in-law pointed out-if I feel like I'm doing it alone, it just proves that I AM strong enough to do it. I'm not giving up. Not on my kids, not on my life, not on me. I AM STRONG. For all the things that I wasn't able to choose these past few years, I can choose this. I choose peace. I looked out my kitchen window and saw a rainbow which I took as God's approval at me letting it go. Choosing differently. That's big for me. This whole thing is big for me. Fingers crossed and one day at a time we'll all come through it somehow.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Fragile-handle with care

I can't sleep. Well, I probably could sleep if I'd just go to bed. I find myself staying up really late for no real reason at all other than trying to figure out this new life I've created for myself. The move went really well-lots of help. People went above and beyond just to help my little family. I was a bit surprised at the extent really.
This whole settling in part is throwing me off. My life has changed drastically and it's been hard to adjust. Sometimes I love having the whole place to myself in the evening with the kids asleep and my time truly my own. Mostly I don't. Mostly it's really lonely. Peaceful, but lonely. Not only have I lost the only other adult who is technically responsible for these 2 kids and a second body in the house to help, but I am mourning the loss of my best friend. Because no matter how he treated me, I always viewed him as that. The two of us talk A LOT as those who know us well can attest to. So now it's just really quiet around here (once kids are in bed obviously and I still haven't got the bedtime routine down pat with just me doing it every night yet). Right now I don't want the logic of all the good things that are coming from this situation, I just want to be sad about the loss.
Now that things have settled I feel forgotten by those who shouldn't forget me, like an afterthought. Like now that the major decisions are made and the hurricane has been weathered I don't need anyone. I get it-people have their own lives and they're busy. I get it. But it still hurts my heart. And there's another part of me that can hardly stand to talk about things because that hurts my heart even more. So that part of me just wants to be left alone to grieve and mourn my losses in solitude until time makes this bearable. This feels like a death to me-the end of so many things. All the "you'll get through it -you're strong/ it's for the best" comments are understandable but a lot of times people say other things and I wonder what is going through their heads. Like I don't understand this situation or the reasons it's happening? I don't need it spelled out for me- I GET IT. Empathy and tact go a long way. I'm just so heartbroken. Maybe I'll get a sign that says Fragile-handle with care and wear it around my neck til things start to get better. Because they will, right?
P.S. Bear with me-it's late and I just needed to vent.
P.P.S. MAJOR exception being my good friend and visiting teacher Karen who came this past week and was everything I needed her to be. Thanks hon.