It's kid free Thursday and I'm blogging from my IPhone because I have no idea how to get my computer to work (it's broken) and supposedly Catherine says I can blog just as easily from here. Plus I owe Kevyn a post so here goes. Life update since last May:still alive/separated/mostly sane. Mostly. Though it really depends on the day and sometimes the hour. I have wondered if I'm bi-polar with the way my moods swing like a pendulum but when I get a quiet night like tonight I realize that it is simply that I have tons going on and that doesn't leave a lot of time for me to fill myself back up to keep going. Hence kid-free Thursday. They will stay at their dad's every Thursday so I don't have to pick them up at 7pm to turn around and drop them off tomorrow morning at 6:30am on my way back to work. I cannot tell you how much I HATE working fulltime. I don't say the word hate often but it's the honest truth. There are so many things that I would rather be doing with my time and I never grew up wanting a career outside my home. Unfortunately I didn't take the time to figure out what I really wanted to be doing and the things I wanted out of life until it was too late. I wish I could be home with my kids more/slow down the pace of life more. Where's that genie in a bottle when you need him? Yet I feel bad for complaining-a broken record-as my problems are so small and mostly manageable compared to so many out there.
I have been able to find healing and peace about my situation with Joe. He has been 100% supportive of everything these past 18 months and our relationship is healthier than it's been in years. That being said, I have decided that the marriage part of our relationship is over and am going to file for divorce this year. People keep asking when. When I get around to it. It's scary to type it or say it out loud but it has been the focus of my thoughts for a long time stressing and wondering what to do. I did have a confirmation in the temple a year ago that it was time for me to move on but I was still very emotional and things happened over the course of this past year to make me question if that was still the right choice. After all is said and done, it is. We are lucky that we can stil be friends and do things as a family. Family in a non-traditional was but it is healthier for the kids and me this way. I don't know that I could be married to him and not be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next 60 years and that's not fair to him or to me. Time continues to soothe the hurts of my soul and though it is extremely lonely, I feel less lonely than I did when he was present physically but not present any other way in our life together. I can honestly say that I wish nothing but the best for him and I am glad that I haven't rushed into anything, but have let things progress the way they were meant to. Our bishop at the time we separated told me this would be the hardest thing I'd ever do and so far he's completely right. But if this ends up being the worst things that happens in my life I'm ok with that. I read an article about the way we choose to tell the story of our life-do we tell it as a victim or focus on the good things that have happened. I am choosing to write this as a story of my path to peace and eternal happiness and of gaining a deeper understanding of the Atonement and how it heals as well as saves souls. And if this is what had to happen so that Joe could be whole again, than I can truly say that it was worth it. It doesn't mean that we have to be married for this to have a happy ending. I have a picture in my house that says " It's never too late to live happily ever after". So here's so writing my own happy ending and focusing on the good that can come out of all of this. I know as I do what is right and am guided by Heavenly Father that things will contiue to work together for my good. I am grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life who take me as I am-the good and the bad-and don't judge but just let me cry or laugh or scream or swear or spaz out or whatever it will take for me to get through the day and to the next phase of my life. You never know when a kind word or phone call you gave to me at the right moment got me through a tough day.
Maybe kid-free Thursday nights can also be blogging Thursday. Or maybe it'll be another 8 months before you hear from me. I continually with I could do more but try not to overextend myself as it stresses my already stressed self out too much.To those of you who are in the midst of your personal hell, please know from someone that is coming through into the other side of it that the sun will rise again (see Kelly Clarkson song). We can only fully appreciate the miracle of a brilliant sunrise if we have waited in darkness.
Hugs from here. E
P.S. I had to type this out at work the next day as my IPhone had issues posting it last night at 1:30am when I finally finished it.
Some days I wave.
20 hours ago