Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Leap of Faith

I LOVE this picture I took of Multnomah Falls-looking straight down-when I visited Portland over the May long weekend for my cousin's wedding. My parents offered to whisk me away and it was incredible. These past few weeks is the longest I've felt like myself since my separation in August of last year. We left on Friday afternoon and flew (!!! I haven't flown since Dec '06) into Portland which is SOOOO lush with trees everywhere. I find trees and water very calming to my soul so immediately felt like I could breathe better and I felt like all the stress that I carry daily was forgotten. I had my own room with a king sized bed and it was a bit surreal to only have to get myself ready in the mornings-this was the longest I'd been away from my kids since Josh was born 7 years ago. Friday we went to my aunt and uncle's (AMAZING) home and visited with family over a casual dinner. Then Saturday, my parents, Uncle Tom and Aunt Sue and I got to do a session at the Portland temple. It was the first time I'd been to a temple other than Cardston since I was endowed in 2002. I loved that the feeling was the same but the layout was really different. When I walked into the celestial room it took my breath away for a second it was that stunning. (google it). I thought to myself that if this is what heaven is going to be like then I can wait, I can hold on, to be able to be there with my family forever.
While we were waiting for the session to start, I was reading in D&C 84:81-84 which says:
81 Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed (or if I'll ever have an eternal companion-just adding that in..)
82 For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these.
83 For your Father, who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things.
84 Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself.
Ever since my separation, I have felt heavily the burden of caring for these 2 precious children on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have TONS of help from family and friends. But when it comes right down to it, I'm the one that is responsible and will be held accountable for them. I stress daily their physical, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual needs. I worry about the things I feel I cannot provide for them at this time due to my circumstances. I worry that I am not doing enough, being enough , giving enough, or worthy enough to see this through. Those 4 verses quieted the tape that plays in my head and I felt the comfort of my Father saying "You are enough. Leave it with me and I will take care of it." I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, as he is of you. I am taking this leap of faith that in His own time, things will work out for my little family. I am trying my best to do what is right and counting on him to fulfill his promises. I know he is one man that WON'T let me down, no matter how many times I may have let him down with my choices.
I've been reading this book "God Never Blinks. 50 Lessons for Life's Little Detours" by Regina Brett. She is a writer who, when she turned 50, wrote a newspaper column on the fifty lessons life had taught her. This became one of the most popular columns ever published in her newspaper and has been e-mailed to thousands worldwide. You've gotta read it-it's so uplifting and inspiring and it was around $10 at Wal-mart (my Happy Mother's day to me gift)
These are the titles of the lessons:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next right step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. The most important sex organ is the brain.
10. God never gives us more than we were designed to carry.
11. Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.
12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be kept secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything life hands you if you stay put in the day you are in and don't jump ahead.
18. A writer is someone who writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save anything for a special occasion. Today is special enough.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. Start saving 10% for retirement as soon as you get your first paycheck.
25. No one else is in charge of your happiness. You are the CEO of your joy.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: " In five years will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30.The passage of time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. No matter how good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick, but your friends will. Stay in touch with them.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative. Dying young looks good only in movies.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. No matter what your faith, they cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting for you to discover.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and got a look at everyone else's, we'd fight to get back our own.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything you truly need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life.
47. Breathe. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

As she expounds on the first lesson, she gives an example of replacing the words "I have to" with "I get to". I get to go grocery shopping, I get to pick up my kids, I get to go to work, etc...
Putting a positive spin on it changes your view of it. We all "get to " do things in our lives that others only wish they could.
At any rate-that's my life right now. It feel so good to feel good. I'm excited for the future and can't wait to see what is in store for me. Sometimes it seems like anything is possible. And when I get discouraged, I read President Monson's favorite scripture (also one of Ms. A's)
D&C 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Gotta love a man who keeps his promises. Love and hugs, E

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Whatever it takes

It's my new mantra because heaven knows I need one. Whatever it takes to get through this brutal time. It has been BRUTAL emotionally for me recently. I am either freakishly giddy, really pissed off or severely depressed. Does not make for pleasant blogging. Or a pleasant life frankly. I have a hard time focusing on the details of my life and feel like a complete idiot when people are talking and I should be able to follow the conversation or question they are asking me but it gets a little foggy when I try to interpret it. What? Huh? Then I feel like I just want to blurt out my whole life story and that I'm usually way more together than I am right now, but I'm barely surviving with all the things I need to get done just to get through a day working full time with 2 small children and a home to maintain. I get that there are worse things in the world-earthquakes in Japan, children locked in closets by their parents (thanks Oprah for that uplifting episode now I need to go buy more Kleenex) sickness, job loss etc. But what has happened in my life these past 10 years has rocked my emotional world as devastatingly as that earthquake rocked their physical one.
Rocked my world-not in a good way. I am questioning and examining everything that makes me who I am and why I do the things I do. Most days I am just hanging on by my fingernails at the edge of the cliff wondering if anyone will extend a helping hand to pull me up. Unless you've gone through a separation or divorce you just don't get it. If he had stabbed me 1000 times physically, people would be saying you need to rest, wait til your strength is better and you feel up to handling your life. He stabbed me 1000 times emotionally and though you cannot see it, the pain is overwhelming at times. I need time to heal. Time is the one thing that I don't feel I have. My time is rarely my own. I feel such a sense of loss and I never know what will set me off. The census guy was here the other night and asked me the standard questions. "Hubby?" No. But I did have one once. Cue crying fit in the kitchen for 10 minutes after I shut the door. It's funny though (well it's not but whatever) because said hubby didn't treat me very well a lot of the time. And maybe I am grieving that most of all. That I didn't have the self worth to say that it wasn't okay to be treated like that over and over again. I don't think he sees that it's that big a deal which is even harder to take. I invested so much of myself into that relationship and for what? I tried my hardest for 10 years to make it work, be patient, pray, fast, scream, cry, plead, beg until I had nothing left and then I gave it to God and still nothing changed. So there is a part of me that doesn't want to try at anything anymore if this is where I have ended up for trying my hardest. I simply don't have the energy right now. Just getting through it. Whatever it takes. If that means I am 20 minutes late to church-at least I'm going. There are a lot of times lately that I really really don't want to show up for my life. But I am. At least now I know what I don't want. Still trying to figure out how to get what I do want and feel worthy of that. It really doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are when the one person who was supposed to think you were the world didn't seem to feel that way at all. I wasn't even on his list. I'm tired of being unequally yoked except now I'm pulling the freaking handcart completely alone which isn't any harder-just different hard. Thank you to those of you out there who come along the path and help me pull when you can. It makes all the difference. And hopefully someday I will find the person who would be willing to pull the cart even if I had to ride in it for awhile to rest. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. I want someone who is in it for forever not just if he feels like it in the moment. However I truly feel that until I figure out what it is about me that is willing to accept less, I will just get a different looking version of the same person. And I will end up here again. This is not a spot I want to revisit. Through the grace of God I will get through this and come out the other side a better, stronger me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Hello my friends. It's been awhile. I've been, well, busy. 2 kids (one that never stops saying Mom-really-NEVER-Mom mom mom mom-what Caitlyn?!?!?!?!? Mom mom mom mom. Sigh. One day she won't want to speak to me at all and then i'll miss this I'm sure) fulltime job (going way better-more of a routine now) house to keep up (just the basics because frankly that's what closets are for-to store all the crap that clutters my space) workouts to attend (somehow I'm now eating through my emotions and don't want to have any more padding than is already there) friends to enjoy (thank heavens for that) church (can always do more really).
But I've been the most busy in my head. Trying to figure out what has happened in my life that made me think that the things that were going on in my marital relationship were okay. I could name 10 things off the top of my head that went on that could curl your toes. So how come I rationalized my way to here? This is what I've been busy doing. Figuring it out. And grieving it now because I couldn't when it happened. I had to hold it all together so things wouldn't fall apart. Funny how they do anyway. I think Heavenly Father gives us a certain amount of time in a situation and then when we're REALLY not getting the picture, gives us a swift kick in the butt so that we finally take action instead of simply allowing life to pass us by. I'm sorta tired of life passing me by. It feels good to take action. But heartwrenching, gutwrenching to see clearly that which has been foggy for so long. I'm excited to create this beautiful, SAFE future for myself and my children. And completely anxious and scared all at the same time. Which brings me to boundries. I tend to have pretty fuzzy boundries after having been emotionally abused for most of my life. At least they've been fuzzy in the past. Time to learn about boundries and how to create them. For that reason I have considered making my blog private as I don't know if I want certain people to read my innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want that part of me you're going to have to work hard to get it-this is what people with boundries do ( it's a revalation to me). However, I also have had private comments sent to me from those who read my blog that really helped me and maybe something I have said helped them. Sorta win win. So for now the blog stays as is. Don't know how often I'll post or how interesting it really is to you out there in bloggerland but it is what it is.
2 things I've learned lately that have really struck me:
1. Marie Osmond when she was on Oprah said " You marry at the level of your self worth" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lightbulb moment.
2. Love shouldn't hurt. Wait. What? Really. Hmmmmmmmmm.
Bottom line for my life: I know what I deserve and I won't settle for less anymore. I AM DONE SETTLING AND FIXING AND PLEADING AND CRYING AND HOPING. DONE.
Just so we're clear.
Boundries. They kinda rock.