Monday, July 26, 2010

Reality check

I am back from Summerland and had the BEST time ever. I need to move there and see if I like living there as much as I like to vacation there. I feel SO connected to life, so connected to ME when I'm out there. Running down by the beach in the morning, swimming and boating in the lake, enjoying family and friends. I LOVE the water. I love being active and moving my body so much every day. It was the most relaxed I've been in at least a year. I didn't think about moving day or separating from Joe or packing or all the things I had to do. I just thought about what we had to pack to take to the beach or that I really should stop eating all this food or that the kids needed more sunscreen but not one bit about reality. I didn't even have to talk myself out of thinking and analyzing over and over-I was completely away from it all even though the source of it was in bed beside me every night, it didn't faze me. Got a bit sad one evening (only one out of seven-not bad considering sad has been my on and off state for over a month now) and went for a walk down to the dock. Just laid there on a bench staring up at the sky watching the clouds with tears running down my cheeks and listened to the water. Wondering how I got here, to this point, and where life would take me. Knowing that as long as I'm doing what's right (which is SO cliche but SO true) I will be guided by the Spirit and not fear the future. Wanting a guy who does the same with his life which is truly NOT the guy I have now. He is not guided by anything but what he feels like doing that minute ( we should all be so lucky).
I am learning a lot about what I'm made of. That I really will do what is asked of me when the going gets tough. And it's been tough. Learning why I've chosen the men I have in the past and why I've stayed in a situation that could make me a guest on Oprah. It's kind of like waking up from a deep sleep ,which sounds odd, but I am starting to feel alive again. Not just going through the motions. I used to tell Miss A that I felt like I had a fake life-what people saw definitely wasn't what I was getting. I don't feel like that any longer. The more people I tell and the more open I am, the better I feel. I think Satan tries to make us ashamed of what we've been accepting of and encourages secrecy. Someone told me the other day that true love gets better with time, not worse. What? This is a news flash to my love life. Tolerance has a limit and I have definitely reached mine. I move to my new house this Saturday with the help of many wonderful friends and family. It'll be nice to not have to be on guard all the time. Please don't think that I have been abused physically-I just went back and read this and it sounds like that's what I'm alluding to. Those of you who know my husband know what's been going on. I have absolutely been emotionally abused though and it hasn't been fun and it hasn't been right. I can give as good as I get but it's not my first line of defense, though it used to be. I don't want that kind of relationship anymore. It's not what I want my kids to think is normal. The world is crazy enough without the craziness seeping in through the cracks of my own house. I'm done with crazy. I want boring. Same old, day in day out, BORING. ( Maybe with a few sparks here and there-I am ME after all).
Oh yeah. Joe calls me at work today to tell me that Miss Cate has been busy tearing apart my jewelery box ( that he left open while he was downstairs on the phone) and he came up to see jewelery strewn everywhere and Cate FLUSHING things down the toilet. What things you ask? Only my wedding and engagement ring and the other half of 5 pairs of earrings. Yep. Really? Down the toilet. Now that seems awfully symbolic. I keep telling myself that they're only rings and I wasn't wearing them anyway. But it still hurts. I wanted to be the one to decide what would be done with them. Out of my hands (literally) I suppose unless they miraculously end up turning up when we move this weekend. Insert BIG SIGH HERE.
On the plus side. My fab-u-lous parents used dad's bonus points from his dental lab to get me a Sony 40 inch LCD TV to replace the monsterous beast that has taken up space in our family room these past 5 years. Public thank you was needed. I have the best parents. Initially I turned them down not wanting to use dad's points up til Joe told me I was crazy and to call mom back and gracefully accept their offer. Which I did. I'm not trying to play the "life as I know it will never be the same and they say divorce is 2nd only to death in stress levels "card but facts are facts. AND someone who will remain anonymous is buying me a brand new Samsung frontload washer and dryer to be delivered to the new house this Saturday. THANK YOU! I love laundry-I am the laundry queen and the thought of no washer and dryer was daunting but I knew I would figure something out eventually. Until anonymous figured it out for me. Joe jokes that we should have staged a break-up long ago as this is literally Christmas in July. Um-ok-funny but not. All of these items will now be the nicest things I own. LOL. Not so funny but very true. I am VERY blessed that those dear to me are helping me out so much as I move out on my own with these 2 small children. Can't think about it too much as my chest tightens and I tend to forget to breathe. No-usually I'm okay-just moments of what the heck do I think I'm doing pop up here and there. Nothing I can't handle.
So 2 very good things today and 1 very bad. As I re-read this post I realize I love the word SO and the use of the run-on sentence. Bear with me people. Crisis mode here-not worried about the little things. ;) I'm done-off to bed. Thanks again for all your prayers and love. I really couldn't do it without all of you. xoxo. E


Alison said...

Ahhhh :) It DOES sound like you, makes me smile. It also makes me tear up too because you are just so special to me and you really are the very best... and getting better all the time!! I mean it, love you forever hun til we're old and grey and raising hell in a home and checking out all the cute old guys ;) hahaha! Love Miss A (which I love btw)

Tiffany said...

Hey Cousin,

I have to say this...regardless of how my life has played out the last while, I have found a peace in life that I didn't know existed. A connection with a man I didn't know I could attain, and a meaning to life that I didn't have before.

May you find the same.


Lynn said...

Proud of you! You are SO doing this. Really you are. I could feel such a difference already when I read this post. It's like you are actually exhaling. Sounds like your trip was amazing (well, all except for the one sad night...sorry about that.....but it also sounded very I guess that's good too.)

misssrobin said...

I remember when I had that moment. The moment when I felt like I woke up.

I found me.

Good luck finding you again. May you continue to be blessed as you work to heal yourself and your family.

Susan said...

My Dear Erica
You are a strong & amazing woman. You might not believe it right now or anytime soon, but you will get through this difficult time. There are sooooo many people that love & support you. You being an amazing example for your beautiful babies. You are so blessed..but you know that.
I love you Honey.
Love Susan

k said...

Deep breaths and one day at a time... these are things that keep me focused in challenging times. Thinking of you often ~Karen :)

Lori Olsen said...

Soooo proud of you Erica. You are a strong amazing young woman. I am sorry for the tough time you are going through but I know you and your little family will be all the better for it. I will continue to pray for you and hope for all the joy you can stand to come into your life. Love ya.

tonya said...

I stumbled onto your blog while seeing what other people from our Calgary days are up to. I wanted to post, but I was chicken. Today I can't ignore it. I don't even know if you remember me, but I remember you very well. The first time I met you I knew you were special. You have a sweetness and real-ness that I admired. I knew that callings were inspired and that Primary pianist was where you should be, but I sensed that you had gifts that weren't being utilized. That you had potential that was waiting. I am not glad to see you suffer, but I am glad to see you becoming the woman that you are. I just knew God had great plans for you. So keep doing the good things you are doing. Even though we weren't close, I wanted you to know what I knew. Take care! You are wonderful!

k said...

just checking on you friend - you ok... well, there are different degrees of ok/fine/surviving! what ever the degree know that you are still in my prayers and often in my thoughts. Love to you ~ K