Sunday, June 20, 2010

Where do I go from here?

This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. Joe and I have decided to separate. Most of you who know our situation will not be surprised. And even though I know it's the right thing to do I just can't get it together emotionally. I'm a wreck-not sleeping well and no appetite. This isn't something I WANT to do but something I HAVE to do. For my future and the kids. And for Joe himself. I am uncertain of where this path leads but I know where the path I'm on is taking me and I'm tired of it. I just want a life filled with some sense of normal and peace. Is that so wrong? To want what it seems like everyone else takes for granted. I'm tired of living in uncertainty. I know this life has not been what Heavenly Father wanted for me but I know I've grown so much from this situation. And it has always been up to me how long it continued. It's just hard to think that I'll be doing it on my own. All I ever wanted was to be home full time with my kids and now I'm going to have to go back to work full time to support us. I guess we all want what we can't have. Grass is always greener blah blah blah. I feel fragile and get really emotional at odd times. So many things hurt to think about. Everyone I've told says they're sorry. Yeah, well. I'm sorry too.

20 comments:

herkimer fam said...

some of the hardest decisions for ourselves are best for our children. bravo for putting your children first. so many people don't. you are loved by so many wonderful people, and you are one of the strongest people i know, so i know you will make it. let me know if there is anything i can do. i'm always here.... even 2000 miles away. <3

Marns said...

Erica, my heart goes out to you. I know you've been hearing "I'm sorry" and you are probably tired of it already, but I truly am sorry for this for you. If you ever need any help with the kids, or just someone to talk to, or anything like that, let me know. I love you!

candice said...

You are so strong! You can do this! Be gentle on yourself. My sister is going through the same thing---separating from her husband of ten years. Her feelings echo yours. Hold on tight. The Lord will take care of you. Hang in there.

Sending our love, hugs and prayers.

Lori Olsen said...

Sending you my love and prayers. You are an amazing woman and you will make it through this. Heavenly Father loves you and will help you through this tough time. Know that I am here for you if you ever need me.

adrienne said...

You are an amazing person! I'll be thinking about you and you'll be in my prayers.

Mrs. M said...

You can do this. Do you ever read Dandelion Mama? Sometimes it helps to have a friend who's been there. Big hugs to you!

Lynn said...

I agree with everyone else. YOU CAN do this. You are one very strong woman....although I am sure many days you wonder if you are.

You are doing this for your kids......and I hope for yourself too. What an inspiration you are to many. The best decisions are most times the TOUGHEST decisions ever.

Heavenly Father is aware of you and your heart. Always remember that. He weeps when you weep.. He hurts when you hurt. But he rejoices when you take the RIGHT path.....no matter how hard.

Hugs! I will keep you in my prayers.

Lynn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kristi said...

We love you and will keep you in our prayers!

Wade & Jamie Layton said...

Love you and the kids. Stay strong we are all here for you.

Kendra said...

Erica, you'll do great! Maybe not right away, and maybe not all the time but you'll get there. It takes an amazing woman to do what your doing. I know you have many people behind you, and beside you. Lean on them, that's what they are there for. Lean on your father in heaven, he's there for you to! Your in my prayers.

Kristi Beth said...

Erica, I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to you. Love you!

DeeMomof6 said...

Erica my heart is with you and even though it doesn't feel ok right now I know how strong you are and it will get better for both you and the kids. Living life unhappy is like a virus on the computer and it just spreads. You are an amazing and inspirational person and how I wish I was closer so I could give you a hug. You and the your wonderful kids are in our prayers. We love you guys!

Alison said...

You can do this and anything else you set your mind to, you've already been proving that for years! I'm here for you always. Even when we're old and grey and checking out other old guys at Joey's over lettuce wraps and crab dip ;) Love you - hugs.

Jewels said...

big big big hugs

Barb Stanford said...

Erica, I don't even know what to say...except I can't even imagine what you are going through!

You are in my thoughts and my prayers...stay strong and know you are not alone and very loved!

k said...

ERICA!!!!!!!!I am the worst visiting teacher/friend... I said hi to you at church yesterday and had no clue that you were going thru this. I am crying because I didn't hug you - I just feel so sad for your sadness. I know that you have been putting on a 'brave face' but struggling thru life on a daily basis in your own home is too hard for anyone. I love you so much and am totally here for you and the kids - you know my home is full of toys! Anytime - I promise, you can call me anytime! I send you my warmest hugs and will call you at a more decent hour... 4am is not a normal chitchatting time. I am up but for different stuff... anyway, I love you and will keep cheering you on - you are in my prayers and in my heart. You are just a forever friend to me. love,Karen

CASSIE said...

Erica, my favorite quote by our loving Savior is: "I never said it would be easy... I only said it would be worth it."
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
AND YOUR FAMILY IS WORTH IT!
One day, you will look back and see the reasons for the timing in everything...
You don't have to be sorry. Nor do you have to apologize or explain your reasons and personal feelings.
Heavenly Father knows your heart, and he hears your prayers!
Don't give up on yourself ♥
I care about you very much :) I want you to know that you have my love and support too.
If there is anything that I can do for you. Please let me know!!!
{Hugs}

k said...

just wanted to let you know that I am here... sometimes just knowing that someone is there can help. I know you have a long list of "someones" and I hope you know that we all love you. We are always stronger than we think in a trial - looking back is still hard but at least you can look forward to more light. In a dark room a child will always go to the crack of light, no matter how thin or small. Keep your spirit facing the Light. Love to you ~Karen

Jen-ben said...

Erica, I haven't been to blog in forever...so I'm a little late. But, oh my gosh, I'm SO sorry you have to go through all of this! I love you!!!!