Thursday, November 11, 2010

Reprieve

My mom gave me a book titled "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart" an emotional and spiritual handbook. #1 says-If you want to get through this crisis you will have to Cry Your Heart Out. Check. When I did my last post I was right in the thick of it. It was all I could do to hang on and not just start sobbing in the middle of Wal-mart. I felt like things were foggy around me and I couldn't focus.
This week has been much much better. Mostly thanks to all of you. I feel SO SO loved by all my friends and family. It amazes me how many of you went above and beyond just to make my life/day/that minute better. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the hugs, e-mails, FB messages, warm banana bread, yummy meals, Edible Arrangement (!), flowers, books, taking care of my kids when I couldn't, priesthood blessings and especially for your prayers. Every one of you who reached out helped me at a time when I could barely stand up straight, when just existing was hard. I hope that one day I can do the same for you.
I keep telling people that I feel bipolar-these crazy emotions and mood swings are pretty wild. I suppose with all the stress of the past 10 years, I just have to let myself feel anything and everything I've been holding in as I've tried to keep our lives from falling apart. It was a big job. It's such a breath of fresh air not to have to stress all that came with the situation we were in with Joe. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that anxiety and I wonder how I did it for so long. It's SO NICE not to have to do THAT anymore.
Luckily, this week I've had a reprieve from the sadness and feel wonderful. Productive, energetic and back to me. Thank goodness for that. I know that I have to work through this step by step and not do a classic me and try to skip ahead. I want to heal from the past and have closure before I move on. I want to understand myself more fully so that I can be the best mom, friend, and woman that I can be. I FINALLY know what I deserve from life and I won't accept less than that. To those of you who have been caught in the emotional crossfire (you know who you are) I'm sorry. But thank you for allowing me to be me and sticking around anyway ;) I continue to be a work in progress.
Bottom line-I'm good. And if any of you are in that dark place, please call me anytime. At least this week, I'm good.
xoxoxoxox E
P.S. Divine Ms. M-I busted out the Josh Groban Christmas music for this post. You win. :)

5 comments:

DeeMomof6 said...

I am sooo glad you feel better :) We will still keep you and your little ones in our prayers because like you said there will still be ups and downs but hopefully they won't be as bad as the last one. Continued hugs from PG :D

Lynn said...

OH Erica......my heart totally goes out to you. Unfortunately, I am not checking in often enough to see when you really need something. So happy to know that others around you are filling in and helping. This post makes me realize how wonderful those friends around us are. You are amazing. Keep on keepin' on. You are doing it girl. HugS!

candice said...

Erica, I pen these long letters in my head to you and then never end up writing them down---i'm sorry, but i do want you to know that you are in our prayers, mine and eden's :)

I know that Heavenly Father hears prayers and answers them---he is watching over you. Know that. Even when you feel alone and abandoned, you are not.

Sending all our love.

Jewels said...

oh dear! reading this reminded me that I haven't done any of the things that flickered through my head that I WANTED to do to brighten your day! But I'm glad that lots of others are! know that you're in our prayers and on our minds, and really, truly; if there is anything we can do, please let us know! and if you want to hang out, let us know too :)

Alison said...

To my VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, I love you. Keep going, you're on the right road for YOU! Hugs...