Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Relentless

How do I even begin this post? My life continues to spiral faster and faster and I struggle daily to keep my head above water. I feel exhausted in every way. I don't know how long I can keep up this grueling pace. I worked my butt off for 9 hours straight today with no break assisting our new associate who is like a tornado of dental work and it brought every fear and doubt about my being good enough to the surface. The hard thing about taking him on 2 days a week is that I am already facing every fear and doubt I have in my personal life-I just don't know if I have it in me to do it professionally. I am WAY out of my comfort zone. It is all I can do most days just to get through them let alone when I am literally shaking with anxiety and barely able to form complete sentences because I'm trying to do 10 more things at once than my usual 20 at work. Today was crazy. So then I sped to my gym because Joe was taking the kids so I could workout and despite barely eating today (yes for those of you who have commented about my weight-I DO eat-when I can make time-tonight I had dinner finally at 8ish) I needed to go and do something I knew I was good at. That would made me feel like laughing instead of crying. So I did that and it was great and then came home and got the kids occupied and went in the shower and just bawled. I let out everything I had to hold in all day. My life is SO go go go and everything I have and everything my kids have depends on me. It gives me great anxiety to feel that heavy burden daily. I always pray simply to get through another day. There is no downtime with running a home by myself, taking care of 2 small children, and working fulltime outside my home 5 days a week. Right now I should be putting dishes away, packing Josh's lunch, taking out the garbage and recycling, unpacking my work bag and repacking it for tomorrow, and getting out Josh's clothes for tomorrow so he can make his 7:30am bus. Oh and sleeping. I have chosen to blog instead to get these feelings out. The hard thing is when I choose me, I choose to let all those things go but at some point they have to get done so we can all get to where we need to be in a day. It is SO completely overwhelming on top of what I am going through emotionally with the separation. It is extremely frustrating to watch someone I love lose their job, a job they want to be at, so that I can be working at a job I DON'T want to be at, at all, so that I can provide for my family. I'm not trying to play the victim-I AM the victim. A victim of someone else's actions that I can't control. Those choices keep impacting my life in a huge way on a daily basis and it is all I can do not to hate him for it when I see him.
I don't know if I knew that it would be this bad, this hard, if I would have chosen to leave Joe. I guess that is why we don't get to see the future because it may limit our growth. I'm sorta okay with limited growth at this point. I was thinking today-oh so THIS is what the term "living hell" truly feels like. I could have gone my whole life not knowing that feeling and been okay with that. There is nothing I feel I have to look forward to in my future other than seeing my kids at the end of the day-that is what I am living for right now-they keep me going. Their spontaneous hugs and I love you Mom's. I cuddled with Josh tonight and completely passed out for 2 hours in his bed. And it sucks that I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. IT SUCKS. I miss my old life but I don't miss the hurt and complete void that we were all getting sucked into. I don't know that where I am now is much better-just a different insanity.
I have lost so much in this separation-it is broader than Joe and I just living in separate homes. I was really close to his family and now I am not. That is partially because he is living at his parents house right now and partially to protect myself but it is still a major loss. I have lost the freedom to come and go as I please, the joy of staying home with my children more than I leave them, that extra pair of hands to get someone a drink of water, daily backrubs or backscratches from that same pair of hands. I have had to let go of that small shred of hope that one day our family would be eternally sealed once again. So many dreams I have had for 11 years I am having to let go of because of his choices. I'm heartbroken. My circle of trust continues to get smaller and smaller and the phone rings less and less. It is lonely.
So if you see me and think I look like I'm doing okay, know this. I am not. Not deep down where it counts. The odd day is better than today was but mostly SO NOT OKAY. My hope is that one day I will be. Everyone else seems to be convinced of that. It will take me a lot more than 3 months to know it for myself. However, I HAVE survived 3 months and that does count for something. I really want more for myself than just to survive, I want to thrive. One day. Until then, if this is the refiners fire, then I am in the hottest part of the flame. Will someone please pull me out? I'm ready to cool off for a bit.

10 comments:

Casey said...

Hang in there. Like you said, you've made it through 3 months! and survived. Sometimes that's all you can do is just survive, but it will get better. It will get easier.

DeeMomof6 said...

Erica I don't know exactly how you feel but I understand. You and I are alike in that we put on a brave face to make it through everything for our kids and so we don't have to face the pain until we are alone and no one else can really see it. I wish we lived closer just so I could help give you a little of your freedom back, even if just to give you a little more time to release everything so you can have that little extra strenth to get just a little bit further in your day. Does your school there have a lunch program for kids? Sometimes for a small fee they make healthy lunches everyday and bring them to the students. It is something that helps takes a little off my plate right now and saves a little money too. Hugs and prayers from here in PG for you.

adrienne said...

Oh, Erica. I wish I could say something profound that would give you some comfort, but I don't know what to say. You are going through some really, really hard things. You are amazingly strong, even though I'm sure right now, you feel very far from it. I know that through some of the trials we've had over the last couple of years (which don't quite compare to what you're going through), I've learned that sometimes survival mode is all you can do. Just keep surviving. There will be time for progression and thriving, but right now, it's okay to just get by. It's more than okay. I wish I could do more to help you, but know that you're in my prayers.

Jewels said...

we want to see you thrive too! definitely looking forward to that day with you! and it WILL happen! i'm so glad you called me last night, it was so nice to talk to you even though we were both doing dishes or whatever!

Mrs. M said...

Keep on keeping on. I'm not alone in praying for you. It's okay to cry. Love you!

Alison said...

Oh Hun, I'm sorry things are so rough :( I get it. The details of our situations are different but the feelings are still very much the same. You're not alone, love you :)

Proud Momma said...

Just don't give up Erica. I hope you don't mind that I'm reading your blog but I saw on facebook that you had one. You are a strong woman and can get through anything, and remember that the Lord would never give us struggles that we couldn't get through, they will make you stronger:)
L

Barb Stanford said...

Erica, it was hard for me to read how hard things are for you...so I can't even imagine what it feels like to be going through all that you are going through! I love how open and honest you are about your life...cause it is YOUR life. When someone else's selfish choices affect others so negatively, you are right...it does suck! And it isn't fair! I am SO sorry for all that you are struggling with and going through.

Just know that you are not alone and that you are very loved!

k said...

love you so much - don't rainbows come after rain storms?...you are going to need sunglasses to see your rainbow after this downpour of a storm!!!!!! ~ K

tonya said...

I hope you don't mind me checking on you. I know that I have no clue what you are going through, but I wanted to share a moment from my mother-in-law's life. She had to leave her husband. It was hard, depths of despair hard (like you), with four of her five kids still at home. But many years later, as she and her second husband were leaving for a mission, three of her sons stood and praised her for her strength and her goodness. They said that they knew she was special when they were young, but until they were grown they had no idea just how special. All four boys served missions and all five kids married in the temple. I just wanted to give you a tiny glimpse of something to look forward to. Your kids will someday know what you have done for them and you will have what you lack now. You really are amazing.