Heartbroken

These are my 2 beautiful children at their very best. Laying still and being quiet. So why am I heartbroken? Because this week when they were just kids being kids-well mostly Josh being Josh-I did A LOT of yelling and time out threatening. A lot. I let my frustration at things not having to do with the kids and my self imposed sleep deprivation get the best of me. So tonight after the amazing Relief Society broadcast I came home and just cried at how I'd been treating them-well-mostly Josh. You think when you have kids that you'll always be SO patient and kind and Christ-like and then feel like such a complete failure as a mother when you're not. So I got down on my knees and asked my Father's forgiveness. Then I went and knelt down by my son's bed and quietly asked his while he slept. And it's not that I haven't apologized to him numerous times this week after I've yelled. But really. Does that make much difference after the fact when I continue to behave the same way. Isn't there a little thing called restitution? I know what you are all going to post-that we all have our days and no one is perfect and I get that. But I'm still the adult and the ONE place that my children NEED to feel that they can always be safe should be our home no matter what else is swirling in the air around us. So I am recommitting to being patient and loving and what I need from you in bloggerville is ways that you deal with your children when you are tired and frustrated. I'm finding it challenging to balance Josh's need for my time with the pile of things I need to get done in a day. Please leave me your ideas and say a little prayer for me that I can continue to improve in this area and not break their little hearts with my actions.

It doesn't get much better than this

Yikes! It's been a while since I posted but I have a new baby-I'm excused. Sooooo-updates from the last month.
My mother gave us a professional photo session with Julie Miller as a baby gift and I'm thrilled with how the pictures turned out. We had them done when Caitlyn was 3 1/2 weeks old and Julie was SO patient through the whole session. Especially since my daughter seemed to want to try to leave her mark all over Julie's home when we were trying to get her naked self immortalized. All's well that ends well. Luckily Julie's couch was leather.........

We have officially adjusted to being a family of 4 and having a girl in the house. She's not pulling too much attitude quite yet but she definately is a Daddy's girl already and I'm sure that I'll have to be the bad cop to his good cop for the rest of her life. Needless to say her wardrobe is twice the size of mine and twice as nice too. I think when a baby is born that it should be a rule that the mother should get an item of clothing every time the baby does. Because nothing fits me right now that isn't maternity or contains a LOT of Lycra or shows my baby fat rolls. Of course-I don't get out too much so it's sort of redundant.

I'm still in baby bliss with Caitlyn as she not only looks like an angel but acts like one too-she actually slept for 8 hours straight last night. It makes me want as many more kids as I can which is how they suck you in to having another one. LOL. For us that probably means one more but we'll see how we feel when she's doing more than laying there cooing at us with her big blue eyes. As you can tell from the picture to the left-her eyes aren't the only thing that are big. Our chubba bubba is just shy of 2 months old and she's 12 lbs 6 oz. Check out those cheeks.

Last week I took Josh and Caitlyn on their first bus ride to go visit with Aunt Patsy at the in-laws. I'm getting more adventurous as we are down to one car right now. Josh was thrilled to hop on the bus and every time someone pulled the wire to have the bus stop at the next stop he got really excited. He was a little confused at the lack of seat belts which also made me wonder why they figure we don't need to buckle up on public transportation. While we were there we decided to get a 4 generation picture with Great Grandma Bourne. It turned out pretty well considering it was a spur of the moment thing. I've really enjoyed visiting with Grandma Bourne and getting to know her better while she's been staying at Graham and Leah's.

I turned 33 today. Well-by the time this post is official it will be yesterday. My mom got me a Magic Bullet-let the blending begin!! And there are a dozen red roses on my kitchen table from the hubby. The best gift of today was that I got to spend my birthday at home with my 2 kids and not out at work. 9/11. Now that was a FUN birthday 7 years ago. However-it did make me realize that I was running out of play time and it was time to get off the fence for good and just go to church. I don't know why as humans we have to wait til tragedy strikes to wake us up and get us to do what we should have been doing all along. I also don't get why people get upset over getting older. I have enjoyed every one of my 33 years-some more than others-and I wouldn't want to go back to any of them to relive them. I'm an in the moment kind of girl. At least-I'm trying to be :> I feel so blessed to be where I am in my life and even though we've had some struggles this past year, it has made us bond as a family. I have so many wonderful friends and extended family to rely on when my trials are getting the best of me. I am definately learning patience and that sometimes it's ok to just let things work themselves out on the Lord's timeline. I hope this next year will be a CALM, boring one but none of the previous 33 have been.....

Here's Joshua on his first day of preschool this week. We have him going 2 days a week and he's attending with one of his best friends, Isabella, from his day home. It's just at the Temple community center and I love that I get to walk him over. Needless to say he's loving "school" and I'm really glad we decided at the last minute to enroll him. He's adjusted well to his little sister but I've been trying to emphasize the things he can do that she will have to wait a LONG time to do. I've been missing my one on one time with Josh and seeing this picture makes me realize how grown up he really is. He has elaborated on his standard 5 line prayers lately and we've been cracking up at some of the things he blesses.

Joe's been working long hours with a company named KWL

trucking doing dump truck work to pay the bills while he

continues to work on his solar street light business. I just hope that his business starts generating money before my mat leave ends so I can stay at home with my kids. I love creating my own schedule and not being ruled by my work schedule-it's SO liberating. I'm just trying to enjoy every day even if we're having a rough day-at least I get to be the one rocking my little one when she's fussy and playing Candyland with Josh (his latest obsession). Which is why it doesn't get much better than this ;>