Reprieve

My mom gave me a book titled "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart" an emotional and spiritual handbook. #1 says-If you want to get through this crisis you will have to Cry Your Heart Out. Check. When I did my last post I was right in the thick of it. It was all I could do to hang on and not just start sobbing in the middle of Wal-mart. I felt like things were foggy around me and I couldn't focus.
This week has been much much better. Mostly thanks to all of you. I feel SO SO loved by all my friends and family. It amazes me how many of you went above and beyond just to make my life/day/that minute better. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the hugs, e-mails, FB messages, warm banana bread, yummy meals, Edible Arrangement (!), flowers, books, taking care of my kids when I couldn't, priesthood blessings and especially for your prayers. Every one of you who reached out helped me at a time when I could barely stand up straight, when just existing was hard. I hope that one day I can do the same for you.
I keep telling people that I feel bipolar-these crazy emotions and mood swings are pretty wild. I suppose with all the stress of the past 10 years, I just have to let myself feel anything and everything I've been holding in as I've tried to keep our lives from falling apart. It was a big job. It's such a breath of fresh air not to have to stress all that came with the situation we were in with Joe. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that anxiety and I wonder how I did it for so long. It's SO NICE not to have to do THAT anymore.
Luckily, this week I've had a reprieve from the sadness and feel wonderful. Productive, energetic and back to me. Thank goodness for that. I know that I have to work through this step by step and not do a classic me and try to skip ahead. I want to heal from the past and have closure before I move on. I want to understand myself more fully so that I can be the best mom, friend, and woman that I can be. I FINALLY know what I deserve from life and I won't accept less than that. To those of you who have been caught in the emotional crossfire (you know who you are) I'm sorry. But thank you for allowing me to be me and sticking around anyway ;) I continue to be a work in progress.
Bottom line-I'm good. And if any of you are in that dark place, please call me anytime. At least this week, I'm good.
xoxoxoxox E
P.S. Divine Ms. M-I busted out the Josh Groban Christmas music for this post. You win. :)

Relentless

How do I even begin this post? My life continues to spiral faster and faster and I struggle daily to keep my head above water. I feel exhausted in every way. I don't know how long I can keep up this grueling pace. I worked my butt off for 9 hours straight today with no break assisting our new associate who is like a tornado of dental work and it brought every fear and doubt about my being good enough to the surface. The hard thing about taking him on 2 days a week is that I am already facing every fear and doubt I have in my personal life-I just don't know if I have it in me to do it professionally. I am WAY out of my comfort zone. It is all I can do most days just to get through them let alone when I am literally shaking with anxiety and barely able to form complete sentences because I'm trying to do 10 more things at once than my usual 20 at work. Today was crazy. So then I sped to my gym because Joe was taking the kids so I could workout and despite barely eating today (yes for those of you who have commented about my weight-I DO eat-when I can make time-tonight I had dinner finally at 8ish) I needed to go and do something I knew I was good at. That would made me feel like laughing instead of crying. So I did that and it was great and then came home and got the kids occupied and went in the shower and just bawled. I let out everything I had to hold in all day. My life is SO go go go and everything I have and everything my kids have depends on me. It gives me great anxiety to feel that heavy burden daily. I always pray simply to get through another day. There is no downtime with running a home by myself, taking care of 2 small children, and working fulltime outside my home 5 days a week. Right now I should be putting dishes away, packing Josh's lunch, taking out the garbage and recycling, unpacking my work bag and repacking it for tomorrow, and getting out Josh's clothes for tomorrow so he can make his 7:30am bus. Oh and sleeping. I have chosen to blog instead to get these feelings out. The hard thing is when I choose me, I choose to let all those things go but at some point they have to get done so we can all get to where we need to be in a day. It is SO completely overwhelming on top of what I am going through emotionally with the separation. It is extremely frustrating to watch someone I love lose their job, a job they want to be at, so that I can be working at a job I DON'T want to be at, at all, so that I can provide for my family. I'm not trying to play the victim-I AM the victim. A victim of someone else's actions that I can't control. Those choices keep impacting my life in a huge way on a daily basis and it is all I can do not to hate him for it when I see him.
I don't know if I knew that it would be this bad, this hard, if I would have chosen to leave Joe. I guess that is why we don't get to see the future because it may limit our growth. I'm sorta okay with limited growth at this point. I was thinking today-oh so THIS is what the term "living hell" truly feels like. I could have gone my whole life not knowing that feeling and been okay with that. There is nothing I feel I have to look forward to in my future other than seeing my kids at the end of the day-that is what I am living for right now-they keep me going. Their spontaneous hugs and I love you Mom's. I cuddled with Josh tonight and completely passed out for 2 hours in his bed. And it sucks that I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. IT SUCKS. I miss my old life but I don't miss the hurt and complete void that we were all getting sucked into. I don't know that where I am now is much better-just a different insanity.
I have lost so much in this separation-it is broader than Joe and I just living in separate homes. I was really close to his family and now I am not. That is partially because he is living at his parents house right now and partially to protect myself but it is still a major loss. I have lost the freedom to come and go as I please, the joy of staying home with my children more than I leave them, that extra pair of hands to get someone a drink of water, daily backrubs or backscratches from that same pair of hands. I have had to let go of that small shred of hope that one day our family would be eternally sealed once again. So many dreams I have had for 11 years I am having to let go of because of his choices. I'm heartbroken. My circle of trust continues to get smaller and smaller and the phone rings less and less. It is lonely.
So if you see me and think I look like I'm doing okay, know this. I am not. Not deep down where it counts. The odd day is better than today was but mostly SO NOT OKAY. My hope is that one day I will be. Everyone else seems to be convinced of that. It will take me a lot more than 3 months to know it for myself. However, I HAVE survived 3 months and that does count for something. I really want more for myself than just to survive, I want to thrive. One day. Until then, if this is the refiners fire, then I am in the hottest part of the flame. Will someone please pull me out? I'm ready to cool off for a bit.