Reprieve

My mom gave me a book titled "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart" an emotional and spiritual handbook. #1 says-If you want to get through this crisis you will have to Cry Your Heart Out. Check. When I did my last post I was right in the thick of it. It was all I could do to hang on and not just start sobbing in the middle of Wal-mart. I felt like things were foggy around me and I couldn't focus.
This week has been much much better. Mostly thanks to all of you. I feel SO SO loved by all my friends and family. It amazes me how many of you went above and beyond just to make my life/day/that minute better. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the hugs, e-mails, FB messages, warm banana bread, yummy meals, Edible Arrangement (!), flowers, books, taking care of my kids when I couldn't, priesthood blessings and especially for your prayers. Every one of you who reached out helped me at a time when I could barely stand up straight, when just existing was hard. I hope that one day I can do the same for you.
I keep telling people that I feel bipolar-these crazy emotions and mood swings are pretty wild. I suppose with all the stress of the past 10 years, I just have to let myself feel anything and everything I've been holding in as I've tried to keep our lives from falling apart. It was a big job. It's such a breath of fresh air not to have to stress all that came with the situation we were in with Joe. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that anxiety and I wonder how I did it for so long. It's SO NICE not to have to do THAT anymore.
Luckily, this week I've had a reprieve from the sadness and feel wonderful. Productive, energetic and back to me. Thank goodness for that. I know that I have to work through this step by step and not do a classic me and try to skip ahead. I want to heal from the past and have closure before I move on. I want to understand myself more fully so that I can be the best mom, friend, and woman that I can be. I FINALLY know what I deserve from life and I won't accept less than that. To those of you who have been caught in the emotional crossfire (you know who you are) I'm sorry. But thank you for allowing me to be me and sticking around anyway ;) I continue to be a work in progress.
Bottom line-I'm good. And if any of you are in that dark place, please call me anytime. At least this week, I'm good.
xoxoxoxox E
P.S. Divine Ms. M-I busted out the Josh Groban Christmas music for this post. You win. :)

Relentless

How do I even begin this post? My life continues to spiral faster and faster and I struggle daily to keep my head above water. I feel exhausted in every way. I don't know how long I can keep up this grueling pace. I worked my butt off for 9 hours straight today with no break assisting our new associate who is like a tornado of dental work and it brought every fear and doubt about my being good enough to the surface. The hard thing about taking him on 2 days a week is that I am already facing every fear and doubt I have in my personal life-I just don't know if I have it in me to do it professionally. I am WAY out of my comfort zone. It is all I can do most days just to get through them let alone when I am literally shaking with anxiety and barely able to form complete sentences because I'm trying to do 10 more things at once than my usual 20 at work. Today was crazy. So then I sped to my gym because Joe was taking the kids so I could workout and despite barely eating today (yes for those of you who have commented about my weight-I DO eat-when I can make time-tonight I had dinner finally at 8ish) I needed to go and do something I knew I was good at. That would made me feel like laughing instead of crying. So I did that and it was great and then came home and got the kids occupied and went in the shower and just bawled. I let out everything I had to hold in all day. My life is SO go go go and everything I have and everything my kids have depends on me. It gives me great anxiety to feel that heavy burden daily. I always pray simply to get through another day. There is no downtime with running a home by myself, taking care of 2 small children, and working fulltime outside my home 5 days a week. Right now I should be putting dishes away, packing Josh's lunch, taking out the garbage and recycling, unpacking my work bag and repacking it for tomorrow, and getting out Josh's clothes for tomorrow so he can make his 7:30am bus. Oh and sleeping. I have chosen to blog instead to get these feelings out. The hard thing is when I choose me, I choose to let all those things go but at some point they have to get done so we can all get to where we need to be in a day. It is SO completely overwhelming on top of what I am going through emotionally with the separation. It is extremely frustrating to watch someone I love lose their job, a job they want to be at, so that I can be working at a job I DON'T want to be at, at all, so that I can provide for my family. I'm not trying to play the victim-I AM the victim. A victim of someone else's actions that I can't control. Those choices keep impacting my life in a huge way on a daily basis and it is all I can do not to hate him for it when I see him.
I don't know if I knew that it would be this bad, this hard, if I would have chosen to leave Joe. I guess that is why we don't get to see the future because it may limit our growth. I'm sorta okay with limited growth at this point. I was thinking today-oh so THIS is what the term "living hell" truly feels like. I could have gone my whole life not knowing that feeling and been okay with that. There is nothing I feel I have to look forward to in my future other than seeing my kids at the end of the day-that is what I am living for right now-they keep me going. Their spontaneous hugs and I love you Mom's. I cuddled with Josh tonight and completely passed out for 2 hours in his bed. And it sucks that I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. IT SUCKS. I miss my old life but I don't miss the hurt and complete void that we were all getting sucked into. I don't know that where I am now is much better-just a different insanity.
I have lost so much in this separation-it is broader than Joe and I just living in separate homes. I was really close to his family and now I am not. That is partially because he is living at his parents house right now and partially to protect myself but it is still a major loss. I have lost the freedom to come and go as I please, the joy of staying home with my children more than I leave them, that extra pair of hands to get someone a drink of water, daily backrubs or backscratches from that same pair of hands. I have had to let go of that small shred of hope that one day our family would be eternally sealed once again. So many dreams I have had for 11 years I am having to let go of because of his choices. I'm heartbroken. My circle of trust continues to get smaller and smaller and the phone rings less and less. It is lonely.
So if you see me and think I look like I'm doing okay, know this. I am not. Not deep down where it counts. The odd day is better than today was but mostly SO NOT OKAY. My hope is that one day I will be. Everyone else seems to be convinced of that. It will take me a lot more than 3 months to know it for myself. However, I HAVE survived 3 months and that does count for something. I really want more for myself than just to survive, I want to thrive. One day. Until then, if this is the refiners fire, then I am in the hottest part of the flame. Will someone please pull me out? I'm ready to cool off for a bit.

Back

This picture is Josh personified. Just for fun.

Hello lovelies. I'm back. Not just back here to type random things to you but BACK. I didn't really realize I'd been gone for so long. I look at myself and think-oh yeah-THERE I am. Hooray for me. Hooray for all of you who have had my back while I waded through all the "stuff " these past years have brought to me. You rock. Some of you will make it into heaven simply based on that fact-don't worry I'll vouch for you. Now let me tell you WHY I'm back.

Last Sunday I was having a meltdown-couldn't keep it together, called Miss A (who you should really meet if you don't know her-she's amazing and has saved me thousands in therapy) who told me to PRAY. Now, I DO pray. I pray a lot. But that night I knelt down and prayed out loud and I haven't said and felt a prayer that powerful since I prayed when I chose to be active in the church again when I was 23 years old. And ever since that prayer (thanks again Miss A-gold star-see above remark about heaven) I have been feeling like things are right with the world again. And my world hasn't felt this right for years. It's blissful. I feel like anything is possible because I am willing to do what He tells me to do-to follow the plan He has in store. I have let go of the need to control it all and am content to just follow. It's nice not to lead or at least think I am leading. I am a very dominant personality and it's interesting to finally click in to being humble and teachable and open to every possibility. I feel liberated. I don't feel the need to know where all of this is going to end up because HE knows and as long as I keep doing what I can to stay in touch with Him, then He'll let ME know. Not a revelation to most of you but this is blowing my mind lately. Are things perfect? Nope. But I am learning and growing at such a rapid pace-like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Wonder if this is what it will feel like when we get to heaven and that other veil is removed. I hope so. I wish everyone could feel this much hope who have been feeling utter despair. But that's another beautiful thing is that THEY CAN. We all can.

On another note. My mother. She's another one of those people that you just have to meet. My mother is larger than life. Her favorite word lately is fabulous-it's how she describes everything from her day to her latest purchase. My mother is the one person on this earth who has done the most for me in every aspect and continues to do more every day. She called and left a message on my answering machine the day of my birthday (which sucked this year) singing happy birthday to me in this gentle voice and I saved the message. I love it so much I want to keep it forever. If Telus automatically deletes it after 9 days or whatever I'm gonna be ticked so I keep going in and resaving it. Really cheesy, right? But I just LOVE it. And when I came home on my birthday from a LOOONNNGGGG day with my 2 kids in tow feeling so sad, I opened the door to my house and Josh gasped. Because there were helium balloons tied to my railing, purple stars glittering up my coffee table with a big bouquet of flowers, a birthday cake with the numbers 35 on it, and beautifully wrapped gifts. I burst into tears. Every gift Josh kept opening for me just made me cry harder. Because SHE KNEW that I would need that at the end of that day. She knew and she did and it was amazing. I know she is one of the people that I told Heavenly Father I'd have to have right beside me if I was going to come down to earth and do all of this. I knew I would have to have her to get me through it. And I put her through a lot when I was younger-just had to test her to see if she'd stick around-poor woman. That's one thing my mom does well-she sticks. I learned that from her. My mom is loyal. Thank you Mom for all that you do for me. I love you to pieces.

Such a time as this

....and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Esther 4:14
This was a scripture quoted by our new Stake Relief Society President at the adult session of stake conference and it was such an amazing talk about remembering why we are on the earth and what our purpose may be. God knows it and we once knew it, even though we aren't allowed to fully remember it ( that would be too easy ) we can get insight as we draw close to the Lord.

I recently read the blog of a woman who lost her 18 month old daughter this past July after she fell into a canal and died a week later. Click here. This woman's faith amazes me and has inspired me to be a more present mother and take the time to play with my children. One of her recent posts was titled-I CAN DO HARD THINGS which is what she tells herself as she meets daily challenges that have the potential to cripple her already heartbroken spirit not even 2 months after losing her only child. Though I cannot relate to her situation, I CAN relate to her emotion and applaud her for her courage and steadfastness to the Saviour. I do not know if I would be able to do the same in her shoes.
However, I can keep going in my own life despite the overwhelming feeling of being a single parent. There are days I just want to scream. There are days where I just don't want to get out of bed. But I keep going because it is what I choose to do. I want my children to remember that I never gave up-I FOUGHT. I fought until I couldn't fight anymore and then I picked myself up and fought some more. Because they are worth more than what they have had. And so am I.

Choice

Josh and I at the Calgary Zoo-Aug 2010

Photo courtesy of Josh-don't mind my no makeup just going to the park with the kids and didn't think I'd be getting my pic taken but Caitlyn looks too adorable not to post this.


Spray park at Summerland




This is how we found them sleeping in the tent the first night out. So we let them sleep together evey night after that the whole week. SO cute. Took them a good hour to settle most nights.

This is the view along the path I run at Summerland. It is my new screensaver to remind my to be calm. I have been angry about certain people not being sensitive to my needs on and off for the past week. (which has been everyone at certain times and no one at others-I'm hypersensitive right now). I haven't been in the best place emotionally and was focusing on what others were or weren't doing for me or to me or with me. I'm not a let it go kind of gal. I'm a let's confront all the emotions we're feeling and talk about them til someone is crying or yelling so it's all laid out on the table. (When I took my anger management course after Josh was born, I learned that my personality type has to learn to AVOID-pick my battles-not pick to battle every time.)
Then I was sitting at the table at dinner today and decided I was just going to let it go. Not talk to the people I wanted to confront. Not worry or be mad about what I couldn't control but choose to control what I can. Keep my power by choosing to be positive and not stressing about what is so totally wrong with this whole situation or who isn't helping me the way I want them to. Because the reality is that it's really no one's job to make this okay for me. I have to make things okay for myself. Plus, as my sister-in-law pointed out-if I feel like I'm doing it alone, it just proves that I AM strong enough to do it. I'm not giving up. Not on my kids, not on my life, not on me. I AM STRONG. For all the things that I wasn't able to choose these past few years, I can choose this. I choose peace. I looked out my kitchen window and saw a rainbow which I took as God's approval at me letting it go. Choosing differently. That's big for me. This whole thing is big for me. Fingers crossed and one day at a time we'll all come through it somehow.

Fragile-handle with care

I can't sleep. Well, I probably could sleep if I'd just go to bed. I find myself staying up really late for no real reason at all other than trying to figure out this new life I've created for myself. The move went really well-lots of help. People went above and beyond just to help my little family. I was a bit surprised at the extent really.
This whole settling in part is throwing me off. My life has changed drastically and it's been hard to adjust. Sometimes I love having the whole place to myself in the evening with the kids asleep and my time truly my own. Mostly I don't. Mostly it's really lonely. Peaceful, but lonely. Not only have I lost the only other adult who is technically responsible for these 2 kids and a second body in the house to help, but I am mourning the loss of my best friend. Because no matter how he treated me, I always viewed him as that. The two of us talk A LOT as those who know us well can attest to. So now it's just really quiet around here (once kids are in bed obviously and I still haven't got the bedtime routine down pat with just me doing it every night yet). Right now I don't want the logic of all the good things that are coming from this situation, I just want to be sad about the loss.
Now that things have settled I feel forgotten by those who shouldn't forget me, like an afterthought. Like now that the major decisions are made and the hurricane has been weathered I don't need anyone. I get it-people have their own lives and they're busy. I get it. But it still hurts my heart. And there's another part of me that can hardly stand to talk about things because that hurts my heart even more. So that part of me just wants to be left alone to grieve and mourn my losses in solitude until time makes this bearable. This feels like a death to me-the end of so many things. All the "you'll get through it -you're strong/ it's for the best" comments are understandable but a lot of times people say other things and I wonder what is going through their heads. Like I don't understand this situation or the reasons it's happening? I don't need it spelled out for me- I GET IT. Empathy and tact go a long way. I'm just so heartbroken. Maybe I'll get a sign that says Fragile-handle with care and wear it around my neck til things start to get better. Because they will, right?
P.S. Bear with me-it's late and I just needed to vent.
P.P.S. MAJOR exception being my good friend and visiting teacher Karen who came this past week and was everything I needed her to be. Thanks hon.

Reality check

I am back from Summerland and had the BEST time ever. I need to move there and see if I like living there as much as I like to vacation there. I feel SO connected to life, so connected to ME when I'm out there. Running down by the beach in the morning, swimming and boating in the lake, enjoying family and friends. I LOVE the water. I love being active and moving my body so much every day. It was the most relaxed I've been in at least a year. I didn't think about moving day or separating from Joe or packing or all the things I had to do. I just thought about what we had to pack to take to the beach or that I really should stop eating all this food or that the kids needed more sunscreen but not one bit about reality. I didn't even have to talk myself out of thinking and analyzing over and over-I was completely away from it all even though the source of it was in bed beside me every night, it didn't faze me. Got a bit sad one evening (only one out of seven-not bad considering sad has been my on and off state for over a month now) and went for a walk down to the dock. Just laid there on a bench staring up at the sky watching the clouds with tears running down my cheeks and listened to the water. Wondering how I got here, to this point, and where life would take me. Knowing that as long as I'm doing what's right (which is SO cliche but SO true) I will be guided by the Spirit and not fear the future. Wanting a guy who does the same with his life which is truly NOT the guy I have now. He is not guided by anything but what he feels like doing that minute ( we should all be so lucky).
I am learning a lot about what I'm made of. That I really will do what is asked of me when the going gets tough. And it's been tough. Learning why I've chosen the men I have in the past and why I've stayed in a situation that could make me a guest on Oprah. It's kind of like waking up from a deep sleep ,which sounds odd, but I am starting to feel alive again. Not just going through the motions. I used to tell Miss A that I felt like I had a fake life-what people saw definitely wasn't what I was getting. I don't feel like that any longer. The more people I tell and the more open I am, the better I feel. I think Satan tries to make us ashamed of what we've been accepting of and encourages secrecy. Someone told me the other day that true love gets better with time, not worse. What? This is a news flash to my love life. Tolerance has a limit and I have definitely reached mine. I move to my new house this Saturday with the help of many wonderful friends and family. It'll be nice to not have to be on guard all the time. Please don't think that I have been abused physically-I just went back and read this and it sounds like that's what I'm alluding to. Those of you who know my husband know what's been going on. I have absolutely been emotionally abused though and it hasn't been fun and it hasn't been right. I can give as good as I get but it's not my first line of defense, though it used to be. I don't want that kind of relationship anymore. It's not what I want my kids to think is normal. The world is crazy enough without the craziness seeping in through the cracks of my own house. I'm done with crazy. I want boring. Same old, day in day out, BORING. ( Maybe with a few sparks here and there-I am ME after all).
Oh yeah. Joe calls me at work today to tell me that Miss Cate has been busy tearing apart my jewelery box ( that he left open while he was downstairs on the phone) and he came up to see jewelery strewn everywhere and Cate FLUSHING things down the toilet. What things you ask? Only my wedding and engagement ring and the other half of 5 pairs of earrings. Yep. Really? Down the toilet. Now that seems awfully symbolic. I keep telling myself that they're only rings and I wasn't wearing them anyway. But it still hurts. I wanted to be the one to decide what would be done with them. Out of my hands (literally) I suppose unless they miraculously end up turning up when we move this weekend. Insert BIG SIGH HERE.
On the plus side. My fab-u-lous parents used dad's bonus points from his dental lab to get me a Sony 40 inch LCD TV to replace the monsterous beast that has taken up space in our family room these past 5 years. Public thank you was needed. I have the best parents. Initially I turned them down not wanting to use dad's points up til Joe told me I was crazy and to call mom back and gracefully accept their offer. Which I did. I'm not trying to play the "life as I know it will never be the same and they say divorce is 2nd only to death in stress levels "card but facts are facts. AND someone who will remain anonymous is buying me a brand new Samsung frontload washer and dryer to be delivered to the new house this Saturday. THANK YOU! I love laundry-I am the laundry queen and the thought of no washer and dryer was daunting but I knew I would figure something out eventually. Until anonymous figured it out for me. Joe jokes that we should have staged a break-up long ago as this is literally Christmas in July. Um-ok-funny but not. All of these items will now be the nicest things I own. LOL. Not so funny but very true. I am VERY blessed that those dear to me are helping me out so much as I move out on my own with these 2 small children. Can't think about it too much as my chest tightens and I tend to forget to breathe. No-usually I'm okay-just moments of what the heck do I think I'm doing pop up here and there. Nothing I can't handle.
So 2 very good things today and 1 very bad. As I re-read this post I realize I love the word SO and the use of the run-on sentence. Bear with me people. Crisis mode here-not worried about the little things. ;) I'm done-off to bed. Thanks again for all your prayers and love. I really couldn't do it without all of you. xoxo. E