The Sun Will Rise

It's kid free Thursday and I'm blogging from my IPhone because I have no idea how to get my computer to work (it's broken) and supposedly Catherine says I can blog just as easily from here. Plus I owe Kevyn a post so here goes. Life update since last May:still alive/separated/mostly sane. Mostly. Though it really depends on the day and sometimes the hour. I have wondered if I'm bi-polar with the way my moods swing like a pendulum but when I get a quiet night like tonight I realize that it is simply that I have tons going on and that doesn't leave a lot of time for me to fill myself back up to keep going. Hence kid-free Thursday. They will stay at their dad's every Thursday so I don't have to pick them up at 7pm to turn around and drop them off tomorrow morning at 6:30am on my way back to work. I cannot tell you how much I HATE working fulltime. I don't say the word hate often but it's the honest truth. There are so many things that I would rather be doing with my time and I never grew up wanting a career outside my home. Unfortunately I didn't take the time to figure out what I really wanted to be doing and the things I wanted out of life until it was too late.  I wish I could be home with my kids more/slow down the pace of life more. Where's that genie in a bottle when you need him? Yet I feel bad for complaining-a broken record-as my problems are so small and mostly manageable compared to so many out there.
I have been able to find healing and peace about my situation with Joe. He has been 100% supportive of everything these past 18 months and our relationship is healthier than it's been in years. That being said, I have decided that the marriage part of our relationship is over and am going to file for divorce this year. People keep asking when. When I get around to it. It's scary to type it or say it out loud  but it has been the focus of my thoughts for a long time stressing and wondering what to do. I did have a confirmation in the temple a year ago that it was time for me to move on but I was still very emotional and things happened over the course of this past year to make me question if that was still the right choice. After all is said and done, it is. We are lucky that we can stil be friends and do things as a family. Family in a non-traditional was but it is healthier for the kids and me this way. I don't know that I could be married to him and not be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next 60 years and that's not fair to him or to me. Time continues to soothe the hurts of my soul and though it is extremely lonely, I feel less lonely than I did when he was present physically but not present any other way in our life together. I can honestly say that I wish nothing but the best for him and I am glad that I haven't rushed into anything, but have let things progress the way they were meant to. Our bishop at the time we separated told me this would be the hardest thing I'd ever do and so far he's completely right. But if this ends up being the worst things that happens in my life I'm ok with that. I read an article about the way we choose to tell the story of our life-do we tell it as a victim or focus on the good things that have happened. I am choosing to write this as a story of my path to peace and eternal happiness and of gaining a deeper understanding of the Atonement and how it heals as well as saves souls. And if this is what had to happen so that Joe could be whole again, than I can truly say that it was worth it. It doesn't mean that we have to be married for this to have a happy ending. I have a picture in my house that says " It's never too late to live happily ever after". So here's so writing my own happy ending and focusing on the good that can come out of all of this. I know as I do what is right and am guided by Heavenly Father that things will contiue to work together for my good. I am grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life who take me as I am-the good and the bad-and don't judge but just let me cry or laugh or scream or swear or spaz out or whatever it will take for me to get through the day and to the next phase of my life. You never know when a kind word or phone call you gave to me at the right moment got me through a tough day.
Maybe kid-free Thursday nights can also be blogging Thursday. Or maybe it'll be another 8 months before you hear from me. I continually with I could do more but try not to overextend myself as it stresses my already stressed self out too much.To those of you who are in the midst of your personal hell, please know from someone that is coming through into the other side of it that the sun will rise again (see Kelly Clarkson song). We can only fully appreciate the miracle of a brilliant sunrise if we have waited in darkness.
Hugs from here. E
P.S. I had to type this out at work the next day as my IPhone had issues posting it last night at 1:30am when I finally finished it.

Leap of Faith

I LOVE this picture I took of Multnomah Falls-looking straight down-when I visited Portland over the May long weekend for my cousin's wedding. My parents offered to whisk me away and it was incredible. These past few weeks is the longest I've felt like myself since my separation in August of last year. We left on Friday afternoon and flew (!!! I haven't flown since Dec '06) into Portland which is SOOOO lush with trees everywhere. I find trees and water very calming to my soul so immediately felt like I could breathe better and I felt like all the stress that I carry daily was forgotten. I had my own room with a king sized bed and it was a bit surreal to only have to get myself ready in the mornings-this was the longest I'd been away from my kids since Josh was born 7 years ago. Friday we went to my aunt and uncle's (AMAZING) home and visited with family over a casual dinner. Then Saturday, my parents, Uncle Tom and Aunt Sue and I got to do a session at the Portland temple. It was the first time I'd been to a temple other than Cardston since I was endowed in 2002. I loved that the feeling was the same but the layout was really different. When I walked into the celestial room it took my breath away for a second it was that stunning. (google it). I thought to myself that if this is what heaven is going to be like then I can wait, I can hold on, to be able to be there with my family forever.
While we were waiting for the session to start, I was reading in D&C 84:81-84 which says:
81 Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed (or if I'll ever have an eternal companion-just adding that in..)
82 For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these.
83 For your Father, who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things.
84 Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself.
Ever since my separation, I have felt heavily the burden of caring for these 2 precious children on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have TONS of help from family and friends. But when it comes right down to it, I'm the one that is responsible and will be held accountable for them. I stress daily their physical, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual needs. I worry about the things I feel I cannot provide for them at this time due to my circumstances. I worry that I am not doing enough, being enough , giving enough, or worthy enough to see this through. Those 4 verses quieted the tape that plays in my head and I felt the comfort of my Father saying "You are enough. Leave it with me and I will take care of it." I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, as he is of you. I am taking this leap of faith that in His own time, things will work out for my little family. I am trying my best to do what is right and counting on him to fulfill his promises. I know he is one man that WON'T let me down, no matter how many times I may have let him down with my choices.
I've been reading this book "God Never Blinks. 50 Lessons for Life's Little Detours" by Regina Brett. She is a writer who, when she turned 50, wrote a newspaper column on the fifty lessons life had taught her. This became one of the most popular columns ever published in her newspaper and has been e-mailed to thousands worldwide. You've gotta read it-it's so uplifting and inspiring and it was around $10 at Wal-mart (my Happy Mother's day to me gift)
These are the titles of the lessons:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next right step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. The most important sex organ is the brain.
10. God never gives us more than we were designed to carry.
11. Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.
12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be kept secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything life hands you if you stay put in the day you are in and don't jump ahead.
18. A writer is someone who writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save anything for a special occasion. Today is special enough.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. Start saving 10% for retirement as soon as you get your first paycheck.
25. No one else is in charge of your happiness. You are the CEO of your joy.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: " In five years will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30.The passage of time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. No matter how good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick, but your friends will. Stay in touch with them.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative. Dying young looks good only in movies.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. No matter what your faith, they cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting for you to discover.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and got a look at everyone else's, we'd fight to get back our own.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything you truly need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life.
47. Breathe. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

As she expounds on the first lesson, she gives an example of replacing the words "I have to" with "I get to". I get to go grocery shopping, I get to pick up my kids, I get to go to work, etc...
Putting a positive spin on it changes your view of it. We all "get to " do things in our lives that others only wish they could.
At any rate-that's my life right now. It feel so good to feel good. I'm excited for the future and can't wait to see what is in store for me. Sometimes it seems like anything is possible. And when I get discouraged, I read President Monson's favorite scripture (also one of Ms. A's)
D&C 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Gotta love a man who keeps his promises. Love and hugs, E

Whatever it takes

It's my new mantra because heaven knows I need one. Whatever it takes to get through this brutal time. It has been BRUTAL emotionally for me recently. I am either freakishly giddy, really pissed off or severely depressed. Does not make for pleasant blogging. Or a pleasant life frankly. I have a hard time focusing on the details of my life and feel like a complete idiot when people are talking and I should be able to follow the conversation or question they are asking me but it gets a little foggy when I try to interpret it. What? Huh? Then I feel like I just want to blurt out my whole life story and that I'm usually way more together than I am right now, but I'm barely surviving with all the things I need to get done just to get through a day working full time with 2 small children and a home to maintain. I get that there are worse things in the world-earthquakes in Japan, children locked in closets by their parents (thanks Oprah for that uplifting episode now I need to go buy more Kleenex) sickness, job loss etc. But what has happened in my life these past 10 years has rocked my emotional world as devastatingly as that earthquake rocked their physical one.
Rocked my world-not in a good way. I am questioning and examining everything that makes me who I am and why I do the things I do. Most days I am just hanging on by my fingernails at the edge of the cliff wondering if anyone will extend a helping hand to pull me up. Unless you've gone through a separation or divorce you just don't get it. If he had stabbed me 1000 times physically, people would be saying you need to rest, wait til your strength is better and you feel up to handling your life. He stabbed me 1000 times emotionally and though you cannot see it, the pain is overwhelming at times. I need time to heal. Time is the one thing that I don't feel I have. My time is rarely my own. I feel such a sense of loss and I never know what will set me off. The census guy was here the other night and asked me the standard questions. "Hubby?" No. But I did have one once. Cue crying fit in the kitchen for 10 minutes after I shut the door. It's funny though (well it's not but whatever) because said hubby didn't treat me very well a lot of the time. And maybe I am grieving that most of all. That I didn't have the self worth to say that it wasn't okay to be treated like that over and over again. I don't think he sees that it's that big a deal which is even harder to take. I invested so much of myself into that relationship and for what? I tried my hardest for 10 years to make it work, be patient, pray, fast, scream, cry, plead, beg until I had nothing left and then I gave it to God and still nothing changed. So there is a part of me that doesn't want to try at anything anymore if this is where I have ended up for trying my hardest. I simply don't have the energy right now. Just getting through it. Whatever it takes. If that means I am 20 minutes late to church-at least I'm going. There are a lot of times lately that I really really don't want to show up for my life. But I am. At least now I know what I don't want. Still trying to figure out how to get what I do want and feel worthy of that. It really doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are when the one person who was supposed to think you were the world didn't seem to feel that way at all. I wasn't even on his list. I'm tired of being unequally yoked except now I'm pulling the freaking handcart completely alone which isn't any harder-just different hard. Thank you to those of you out there who come along the path and help me pull when you can. It makes all the difference. And hopefully someday I will find the person who would be willing to pull the cart even if I had to ride in it for awhile to rest. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. I want someone who is in it for forever not just if he feels like it in the moment. However I truly feel that until I figure out what it is about me that is willing to accept less, I will just get a different looking version of the same person. And I will end up here again. This is not a spot I want to revisit. Through the grace of God I will get through this and come out the other side a better, stronger me.

Boundries

Hello my friends. It's been awhile. I've been, well, busy. 2 kids (one that never stops saying Mom-really-NEVER-Mom mom mom mom-what Caitlyn?!?!?!?!? Mom mom mom mom. Sigh. One day she won't want to speak to me at all and then i'll miss this I'm sure) fulltime job (going way better-more of a routine now) house to keep up (just the basics because frankly that's what closets are for-to store all the crap that clutters my space) workouts to attend (somehow I'm now eating through my emotions and don't want to have any more padding than is already there) friends to enjoy (thank heavens for that) church (can always do more really).
But I've been the most busy in my head. Trying to figure out what has happened in my life that made me think that the things that were going on in my marital relationship were okay. I could name 10 things off the top of my head that went on that could curl your toes. So how come I rationalized my way to here? This is what I've been busy doing. Figuring it out. And grieving it now because I couldn't when it happened. I had to hold it all together so things wouldn't fall apart. Funny how they do anyway. I think Heavenly Father gives us a certain amount of time in a situation and then when we're REALLY not getting the picture, gives us a swift kick in the butt so that we finally take action instead of simply allowing life to pass us by. I'm sorta tired of life passing me by. It feels good to take action. But heartwrenching, gutwrenching to see clearly that which has been foggy for so long. I'm excited to create this beautiful, SAFE future for myself and my children. And completely anxious and scared all at the same time. Which brings me to boundries. I tend to have pretty fuzzy boundries after having been emotionally abused for most of my life. At least they've been fuzzy in the past. Time to learn about boundries and how to create them. For that reason I have considered making my blog private as I don't know if I want certain people to read my innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want that part of me you're going to have to work hard to get it-this is what people with boundries do ( it's a revalation to me). However, I also have had private comments sent to me from those who read my blog that really helped me and maybe something I have said helped them. Sorta win win. So for now the blog stays as is. Don't know how often I'll post or how interesting it really is to you out there in bloggerland but it is what it is.
2 things I've learned lately that have really struck me:
1. Marie Osmond when she was on Oprah said " You marry at the level of your self worth" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lightbulb moment.
2. Love shouldn't hurt. Wait. What? Really. Hmmmmmmmmm.
Bottom line for my life: I know what I deserve and I won't settle for less anymore. I AM DONE SETTLING AND FIXING AND PLEADING AND CRYING AND HOPING. DONE.
Just so we're clear.
Boundries. They kinda rock.

Reprieve

My mom gave me a book titled "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart" an emotional and spiritual handbook. #1 says-If you want to get through this crisis you will have to Cry Your Heart Out. Check. When I did my last post I was right in the thick of it. It was all I could do to hang on and not just start sobbing in the middle of Wal-mart. I felt like things were foggy around me and I couldn't focus.
This week has been much much better. Mostly thanks to all of you. I feel SO SO loved by all my friends and family. It amazes me how many of you went above and beyond just to make my life/day/that minute better. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the hugs, e-mails, FB messages, warm banana bread, yummy meals, Edible Arrangement (!), flowers, books, taking care of my kids when I couldn't, priesthood blessings and especially for your prayers. Every one of you who reached out helped me at a time when I could barely stand up straight, when just existing was hard. I hope that one day I can do the same for you.
I keep telling people that I feel bipolar-these crazy emotions and mood swings are pretty wild. I suppose with all the stress of the past 10 years, I just have to let myself feel anything and everything I've been holding in as I've tried to keep our lives from falling apart. It was a big job. It's such a breath of fresh air not to have to stress all that came with the situation we were in with Joe. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that anxiety and I wonder how I did it for so long. It's SO NICE not to have to do THAT anymore.
Luckily, this week I've had a reprieve from the sadness and feel wonderful. Productive, energetic and back to me. Thank goodness for that. I know that I have to work through this step by step and not do a classic me and try to skip ahead. I want to heal from the past and have closure before I move on. I want to understand myself more fully so that I can be the best mom, friend, and woman that I can be. I FINALLY know what I deserve from life and I won't accept less than that. To those of you who have been caught in the emotional crossfire (you know who you are) I'm sorry. But thank you for allowing me to be me and sticking around anyway ;) I continue to be a work in progress.
Bottom line-I'm good. And if any of you are in that dark place, please call me anytime. At least this week, I'm good.
xoxoxoxox E
P.S. Divine Ms. M-I busted out the Josh Groban Christmas music for this post. You win. :)

Relentless

How do I even begin this post? My life continues to spiral faster and faster and I struggle daily to keep my head above water. I feel exhausted in every way. I don't know how long I can keep up this grueling pace. I worked my butt off for 9 hours straight today with no break assisting our new associate who is like a tornado of dental work and it brought every fear and doubt about my being good enough to the surface. The hard thing about taking him on 2 days a week is that I am already facing every fear and doubt I have in my personal life-I just don't know if I have it in me to do it professionally. I am WAY out of my comfort zone. It is all I can do most days just to get through them let alone when I am literally shaking with anxiety and barely able to form complete sentences because I'm trying to do 10 more things at once than my usual 20 at work. Today was crazy. So then I sped to my gym because Joe was taking the kids so I could workout and despite barely eating today (yes for those of you who have commented about my weight-I DO eat-when I can make time-tonight I had dinner finally at 8ish) I needed to go and do something I knew I was good at. That would made me feel like laughing instead of crying. So I did that and it was great and then came home and got the kids occupied and went in the shower and just bawled. I let out everything I had to hold in all day. My life is SO go go go and everything I have and everything my kids have depends on me. It gives me great anxiety to feel that heavy burden daily. I always pray simply to get through another day. There is no downtime with running a home by myself, taking care of 2 small children, and working fulltime outside my home 5 days a week. Right now I should be putting dishes away, packing Josh's lunch, taking out the garbage and recycling, unpacking my work bag and repacking it for tomorrow, and getting out Josh's clothes for tomorrow so he can make his 7:30am bus. Oh and sleeping. I have chosen to blog instead to get these feelings out. The hard thing is when I choose me, I choose to let all those things go but at some point they have to get done so we can all get to where we need to be in a day. It is SO completely overwhelming on top of what I am going through emotionally with the separation. It is extremely frustrating to watch someone I love lose their job, a job they want to be at, so that I can be working at a job I DON'T want to be at, at all, so that I can provide for my family. I'm not trying to play the victim-I AM the victim. A victim of someone else's actions that I can't control. Those choices keep impacting my life in a huge way on a daily basis and it is all I can do not to hate him for it when I see him.
I don't know if I knew that it would be this bad, this hard, if I would have chosen to leave Joe. I guess that is why we don't get to see the future because it may limit our growth. I'm sorta okay with limited growth at this point. I was thinking today-oh so THIS is what the term "living hell" truly feels like. I could have gone my whole life not knowing that feeling and been okay with that. There is nothing I feel I have to look forward to in my future other than seeing my kids at the end of the day-that is what I am living for right now-they keep me going. Their spontaneous hugs and I love you Mom's. I cuddled with Josh tonight and completely passed out for 2 hours in his bed. And it sucks that I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. IT SUCKS. I miss my old life but I don't miss the hurt and complete void that we were all getting sucked into. I don't know that where I am now is much better-just a different insanity.
I have lost so much in this separation-it is broader than Joe and I just living in separate homes. I was really close to his family and now I am not. That is partially because he is living at his parents house right now and partially to protect myself but it is still a major loss. I have lost the freedom to come and go as I please, the joy of staying home with my children more than I leave them, that extra pair of hands to get someone a drink of water, daily backrubs or backscratches from that same pair of hands. I have had to let go of that small shred of hope that one day our family would be eternally sealed once again. So many dreams I have had for 11 years I am having to let go of because of his choices. I'm heartbroken. My circle of trust continues to get smaller and smaller and the phone rings less and less. It is lonely.
So if you see me and think I look like I'm doing okay, know this. I am not. Not deep down where it counts. The odd day is better than today was but mostly SO NOT OKAY. My hope is that one day I will be. Everyone else seems to be convinced of that. It will take me a lot more than 3 months to know it for myself. However, I HAVE survived 3 months and that does count for something. I really want more for myself than just to survive, I want to thrive. One day. Until then, if this is the refiners fire, then I am in the hottest part of the flame. Will someone please pull me out? I'm ready to cool off for a bit.

Back

This picture is Josh personified. Just for fun.

Hello lovelies. I'm back. Not just back here to type random things to you but BACK. I didn't really realize I'd been gone for so long. I look at myself and think-oh yeah-THERE I am. Hooray for me. Hooray for all of you who have had my back while I waded through all the "stuff " these past years have brought to me. You rock. Some of you will make it into heaven simply based on that fact-don't worry I'll vouch for you. Now let me tell you WHY I'm back.

Last Sunday I was having a meltdown-couldn't keep it together, called Miss A (who you should really meet if you don't know her-she's amazing and has saved me thousands in therapy) who told me to PRAY. Now, I DO pray. I pray a lot. But that night I knelt down and prayed out loud and I haven't said and felt a prayer that powerful since I prayed when I chose to be active in the church again when I was 23 years old. And ever since that prayer (thanks again Miss A-gold star-see above remark about heaven) I have been feeling like things are right with the world again. And my world hasn't felt this right for years. It's blissful. I feel like anything is possible because I am willing to do what He tells me to do-to follow the plan He has in store. I have let go of the need to control it all and am content to just follow. It's nice not to lead or at least think I am leading. I am a very dominant personality and it's interesting to finally click in to being humble and teachable and open to every possibility. I feel liberated. I don't feel the need to know where all of this is going to end up because HE knows and as long as I keep doing what I can to stay in touch with Him, then He'll let ME know. Not a revelation to most of you but this is blowing my mind lately. Are things perfect? Nope. But I am learning and growing at such a rapid pace-like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Wonder if this is what it will feel like when we get to heaven and that other veil is removed. I hope so. I wish everyone could feel this much hope who have been feeling utter despair. But that's another beautiful thing is that THEY CAN. We all can.

On another note. My mother. She's another one of those people that you just have to meet. My mother is larger than life. Her favorite word lately is fabulous-it's how she describes everything from her day to her latest purchase. My mother is the one person on this earth who has done the most for me in every aspect and continues to do more every day. She called and left a message on my answering machine the day of my birthday (which sucked this year) singing happy birthday to me in this gentle voice and I saved the message. I love it so much I want to keep it forever. If Telus automatically deletes it after 9 days or whatever I'm gonna be ticked so I keep going in and resaving it. Really cheesy, right? But I just LOVE it. And when I came home on my birthday from a LOOONNNGGGG day with my 2 kids in tow feeling so sad, I opened the door to my house and Josh gasped. Because there were helium balloons tied to my railing, purple stars glittering up my coffee table with a big bouquet of flowers, a birthday cake with the numbers 35 on it, and beautifully wrapped gifts. I burst into tears. Every gift Josh kept opening for me just made me cry harder. Because SHE KNEW that I would need that at the end of that day. She knew and she did and it was amazing. I know she is one of the people that I told Heavenly Father I'd have to have right beside me if I was going to come down to earth and do all of this. I knew I would have to have her to get me through it. And I put her through a lot when I was younger-just had to test her to see if she'd stick around-poor woman. That's one thing my mom does well-she sticks. I learned that from her. My mom is loyal. Thank you Mom for all that you do for me. I love you to pieces.

Such a time as this

....and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Esther 4:14
This was a scripture quoted by our new Stake Relief Society President at the adult session of stake conference and it was such an amazing talk about remembering why we are on the earth and what our purpose may be. God knows it and we once knew it, even though we aren't allowed to fully remember it ( that would be too easy ) we can get insight as we draw close to the Lord.

I recently read the blog of a woman who lost her 18 month old daughter this past July after she fell into a canal and died a week later. Click here. This woman's faith amazes me and has inspired me to be a more present mother and take the time to play with my children. One of her recent posts was titled-I CAN DO HARD THINGS which is what she tells herself as she meets daily challenges that have the potential to cripple her already heartbroken spirit not even 2 months after losing her only child. Though I cannot relate to her situation, I CAN relate to her emotion and applaud her for her courage and steadfastness to the Saviour. I do not know if I would be able to do the same in her shoes.
However, I can keep going in my own life despite the overwhelming feeling of being a single parent. There are days I just want to scream. There are days where I just don't want to get out of bed. But I keep going because it is what I choose to do. I want my children to remember that I never gave up-I FOUGHT. I fought until I couldn't fight anymore and then I picked myself up and fought some more. Because they are worth more than what they have had. And so am I.

Choice

Josh and I at the Calgary Zoo-Aug 2010

Photo courtesy of Josh-don't mind my no makeup just going to the park with the kids and didn't think I'd be getting my pic taken but Caitlyn looks too adorable not to post this.


Spray park at Summerland




This is how we found them sleeping in the tent the first night out. So we let them sleep together evey night after that the whole week. SO cute. Took them a good hour to settle most nights.

This is the view along the path I run at Summerland. It is my new screensaver to remind my to be calm. I have been angry about certain people not being sensitive to my needs on and off for the past week. (which has been everyone at certain times and no one at others-I'm hypersensitive right now). I haven't been in the best place emotionally and was focusing on what others were or weren't doing for me or to me or with me. I'm not a let it go kind of gal. I'm a let's confront all the emotions we're feeling and talk about them til someone is crying or yelling so it's all laid out on the table. (When I took my anger management course after Josh was born, I learned that my personality type has to learn to AVOID-pick my battles-not pick to battle every time.)
Then I was sitting at the table at dinner today and decided I was just going to let it go. Not talk to the people I wanted to confront. Not worry or be mad about what I couldn't control but choose to control what I can. Keep my power by choosing to be positive and not stressing about what is so totally wrong with this whole situation or who isn't helping me the way I want them to. Because the reality is that it's really no one's job to make this okay for me. I have to make things okay for myself. Plus, as my sister-in-law pointed out-if I feel like I'm doing it alone, it just proves that I AM strong enough to do it. I'm not giving up. Not on my kids, not on my life, not on me. I AM STRONG. For all the things that I wasn't able to choose these past few years, I can choose this. I choose peace. I looked out my kitchen window and saw a rainbow which I took as God's approval at me letting it go. Choosing differently. That's big for me. This whole thing is big for me. Fingers crossed and one day at a time we'll all come through it somehow.

Fragile-handle with care

I can't sleep. Well, I probably could sleep if I'd just go to bed. I find myself staying up really late for no real reason at all other than trying to figure out this new life I've created for myself. The move went really well-lots of help. People went above and beyond just to help my little family. I was a bit surprised at the extent really.
This whole settling in part is throwing me off. My life has changed drastically and it's been hard to adjust. Sometimes I love having the whole place to myself in the evening with the kids asleep and my time truly my own. Mostly I don't. Mostly it's really lonely. Peaceful, but lonely. Not only have I lost the only other adult who is technically responsible for these 2 kids and a second body in the house to help, but I am mourning the loss of my best friend. Because no matter how he treated me, I always viewed him as that. The two of us talk A LOT as those who know us well can attest to. So now it's just really quiet around here (once kids are in bed obviously and I still haven't got the bedtime routine down pat with just me doing it every night yet). Right now I don't want the logic of all the good things that are coming from this situation, I just want to be sad about the loss.
Now that things have settled I feel forgotten by those who shouldn't forget me, like an afterthought. Like now that the major decisions are made and the hurricane has been weathered I don't need anyone. I get it-people have their own lives and they're busy. I get it. But it still hurts my heart. And there's another part of me that can hardly stand to talk about things because that hurts my heart even more. So that part of me just wants to be left alone to grieve and mourn my losses in solitude until time makes this bearable. This feels like a death to me-the end of so many things. All the "you'll get through it -you're strong/ it's for the best" comments are understandable but a lot of times people say other things and I wonder what is going through their heads. Like I don't understand this situation or the reasons it's happening? I don't need it spelled out for me- I GET IT. Empathy and tact go a long way. I'm just so heartbroken. Maybe I'll get a sign that says Fragile-handle with care and wear it around my neck til things start to get better. Because they will, right?
P.S. Bear with me-it's late and I just needed to vent.
P.P.S. MAJOR exception being my good friend and visiting teacher Karen who came this past week and was everything I needed her to be. Thanks hon.

Reality check

I am back from Summerland and had the BEST time ever. I need to move there and see if I like living there as much as I like to vacation there. I feel SO connected to life, so connected to ME when I'm out there. Running down by the beach in the morning, swimming and boating in the lake, enjoying family and friends. I LOVE the water. I love being active and moving my body so much every day. It was the most relaxed I've been in at least a year. I didn't think about moving day or separating from Joe or packing or all the things I had to do. I just thought about what we had to pack to take to the beach or that I really should stop eating all this food or that the kids needed more sunscreen but not one bit about reality. I didn't even have to talk myself out of thinking and analyzing over and over-I was completely away from it all even though the source of it was in bed beside me every night, it didn't faze me. Got a bit sad one evening (only one out of seven-not bad considering sad has been my on and off state for over a month now) and went for a walk down to the dock. Just laid there on a bench staring up at the sky watching the clouds with tears running down my cheeks and listened to the water. Wondering how I got here, to this point, and where life would take me. Knowing that as long as I'm doing what's right (which is SO cliche but SO true) I will be guided by the Spirit and not fear the future. Wanting a guy who does the same with his life which is truly NOT the guy I have now. He is not guided by anything but what he feels like doing that minute ( we should all be so lucky).
I am learning a lot about what I'm made of. That I really will do what is asked of me when the going gets tough. And it's been tough. Learning why I've chosen the men I have in the past and why I've stayed in a situation that could make me a guest on Oprah. It's kind of like waking up from a deep sleep ,which sounds odd, but I am starting to feel alive again. Not just going through the motions. I used to tell Miss A that I felt like I had a fake life-what people saw definitely wasn't what I was getting. I don't feel like that any longer. The more people I tell and the more open I am, the better I feel. I think Satan tries to make us ashamed of what we've been accepting of and encourages secrecy. Someone told me the other day that true love gets better with time, not worse. What? This is a news flash to my love life. Tolerance has a limit and I have definitely reached mine. I move to my new house this Saturday with the help of many wonderful friends and family. It'll be nice to not have to be on guard all the time. Please don't think that I have been abused physically-I just went back and read this and it sounds like that's what I'm alluding to. Those of you who know my husband know what's been going on. I have absolutely been emotionally abused though and it hasn't been fun and it hasn't been right. I can give as good as I get but it's not my first line of defense, though it used to be. I don't want that kind of relationship anymore. It's not what I want my kids to think is normal. The world is crazy enough without the craziness seeping in through the cracks of my own house. I'm done with crazy. I want boring. Same old, day in day out, BORING. ( Maybe with a few sparks here and there-I am ME after all).
Oh yeah. Joe calls me at work today to tell me that Miss Cate has been busy tearing apart my jewelery box ( that he left open while he was downstairs on the phone) and he came up to see jewelery strewn everywhere and Cate FLUSHING things down the toilet. What things you ask? Only my wedding and engagement ring and the other half of 5 pairs of earrings. Yep. Really? Down the toilet. Now that seems awfully symbolic. I keep telling myself that they're only rings and I wasn't wearing them anyway. But it still hurts. I wanted to be the one to decide what would be done with them. Out of my hands (literally) I suppose unless they miraculously end up turning up when we move this weekend. Insert BIG SIGH HERE.
On the plus side. My fab-u-lous parents used dad's bonus points from his dental lab to get me a Sony 40 inch LCD TV to replace the monsterous beast that has taken up space in our family room these past 5 years. Public thank you was needed. I have the best parents. Initially I turned them down not wanting to use dad's points up til Joe told me I was crazy and to call mom back and gracefully accept their offer. Which I did. I'm not trying to play the "life as I know it will never be the same and they say divorce is 2nd only to death in stress levels "card but facts are facts. AND someone who will remain anonymous is buying me a brand new Samsung frontload washer and dryer to be delivered to the new house this Saturday. THANK YOU! I love laundry-I am the laundry queen and the thought of no washer and dryer was daunting but I knew I would figure something out eventually. Until anonymous figured it out for me. Joe jokes that we should have staged a break-up long ago as this is literally Christmas in July. Um-ok-funny but not. All of these items will now be the nicest things I own. LOL. Not so funny but very true. I am VERY blessed that those dear to me are helping me out so much as I move out on my own with these 2 small children. Can't think about it too much as my chest tightens and I tend to forget to breathe. No-usually I'm okay-just moments of what the heck do I think I'm doing pop up here and there. Nothing I can't handle.
So 2 very good things today and 1 very bad. As I re-read this post I realize I love the word SO and the use of the run-on sentence. Bear with me people. Crisis mode here-not worried about the little things. ;) I'm done-off to bed. Thanks again for all your prayers and love. I really couldn't do it without all of you. xoxo. E

Purpose

A church near us has a billboard (for lack of a better word) outside and they always have sayings posted there. Some are funny, some are thought provoking. The other day I drove by and it said this: You're on this earth for a purpose. Find it. It really struck me and I know that is what this next chapter of my life is going to be about. My patriarchal blessing says a lot about service to my family and my fellow man and I do love to be busy serving others. I find with all the emotional turmoil I've been having about getting separated that I haven't had much time to really feel anything else. But the past few days I've felt so much better. Steadier. Not so crushed. Things are really starting to look up and I'm sort of excited to see what my future holds. Still taking life one day at a time but a LOT calmer. Thanks to all of you that have kept my little family in your prayers and on the prayer list at the temple. I can feel the help from above.
We leave for Summerland this Saturday for a week of bliss away from reality. I love Summerland. If you've never been there-GO. I call it Hawaii without the plane ride. I'd love to own a cottage out there someday. When we get back it'll be a week til the big move to my new place and thanks to my BEST FRIEND EVER (Alison) I'm 75% packed. Alison came over last Friday for 6 hours and then her and her 2 kids came Saturday for 7 hours and helped pack and entertain my kids. AMAZING. I've never had a friend I could count on like I can count on her.
So here's to new beginnings, old friends, and a heart that is starting to heal.

Therapy

I want to thank you all for your amazing support from my last post. Tomorrow will be one month since I decided to separate from my husband and I have gone through every emotion in the book. Sometimes minute to minute. I heard Josh and Joe laughing when I was upstairs reading on my bed and just started crying. Josh doesn't know that these next few weeks are going to be the last that his family is together under one roof. I'm going to have Joe tell him when we're home from vacation because this isn't MY choice-I'm just reacting to Joe's endless poor unhealthy choices. So the news gets to come from his dad even though I'll be there. It's going to rock his little world and not in a good way. I'm REALLY not looking forward to that. Any advice you have to give would be appreciated. I'm not so sad about Joe and I's relationship because it hasn't been great for a very long time but I'm sad about our family relationship and how that will never be the same. We move out of our current home July 31st as neither of us can afford it by ourselves plus I need to start creating my own life without the constant memories from this house.
A therapist I saw at the beginning of the year told me that I dismiss things. Feelings, situations, bad behaviour-I just ignore it and don't let myself feel things fully because it's been too much over the years. I think I just got desensitized to getting treated poorly or crazy things going on in our house. Let me tell you-I'm feeling it all now. And I'm LETTING myself feel it. Kicked a hole in one of our (flimsy) walls one day when no one was around because I was SO angry and frustrated. Started bawling when a friend hugged me in the hall at church. Letting it all out. Hopefully that will make for a better fresh start in the future. No baggage to hold onto. Wish me luck.

Where do I go from here?

This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. Joe and I have decided to separate. Most of you who know our situation will not be surprised. And even though I know it's the right thing to do I just can't get it together emotionally. I'm a wreck-not sleeping well and no appetite. This isn't something I WANT to do but something I HAVE to do. For my future and the kids. And for Joe himself. I am uncertain of where this path leads but I know where the path I'm on is taking me and I'm tired of it. I just want a life filled with some sense of normal and peace. Is that so wrong? To want what it seems like everyone else takes for granted. I'm tired of living in uncertainty. I know this life has not been what Heavenly Father wanted for me but I know I've grown so much from this situation. And it has always been up to me how long it continued. It's just hard to think that I'll be doing it on my own. All I ever wanted was to be home full time with my kids and now I'm going to have to go back to work full time to support us. I guess we all want what we can't have. Grass is always greener blah blah blah. I feel fragile and get really emotional at odd times. So many things hurt to think about. Everyone I've told says they're sorry. Yeah, well. I'm sorry too.

Time

Hello friends. I'm still here. Just haven't made time to blog. My life overwhelms me to the point that I can't create anything-just try to get by sometimes and that means forming complete (nevermind witty) sentences simply isn't in the cards.
I loved regional conference today. Mostly because I got to go BY MYSELF and sit still in the very same chair for the whole 2 hours. It was bliss. I felt the Spirit stronger than I have in months and I really needed the boost. It reminded me about my purpose in life and that when I'm doing the little daily spiritual things that I don't hit the point where I feel disconnected. I feel like I woke up again. Like things are clearer. Hope it sticks.
It's my mom's birthday today. And Joey's Grandma Quist passed away tonight. (Nevermind what time I blogged this-it's not tomorrow til you've gone to bed no matter what the clock says) Which made me think about how I'll feel when my mom passes away (hopefully way down the road). My mom is one of my best friends. She is larger than life and her life is dedicated to those she loves the most. She spoke at her mother's funeral. I don't know if I could hold it together enough to speak at hers. She is pretty, fun, LOUD, kind, generous, sassy, stylish, and REAL. I am so proud to be her daughter. And tonight I am happy for Grandma because she is back with her sweetheart and not in pain any longer. We should all be so lucky.

Jamie

If at first glance, this name doesn't conjure up thoughts of a firey, tall, broad shouldered hunk of Scottish man from the 1700's then......you haven't read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and are completely missing out on the kind of man you should expect YOUR man to be. LOL. I am in book 3 of the 7 book series and that, my friends, is what occupies my free time lately. Frankly, I'm slightly obsessed and will come up for air again in probably another month or two. See you then Blog stalkers!!
Love, E
P.S. Congrats to real life Jamie on her new baby GIRL!!

How long has it been since you shook YOUR thing?

It's funny-I like to blog and get my feelings out but a lot of what I have been going through is too personal for me to feel comfortable sharing with most of you in Bloggerville so I find I just don't post as often as I could. When I have major stress I know it because I don't want to create anything and that includes coming up with something to blog about. Just trying to get through the days does me in most of the time.
That being said....I took my first Zumba class at the gym yesterday. It's a group fitness dance class that's got some really tribal based music with lots of heavy beats mixed up with Latin music that allows for plenty of hip shaking-think Shakira. I wanted to try something different and figured-why not? It was AWESOME! I haven't felt that ALIVE in a long time! As the mommy of 2 small kids and the wife to someone who often acts like a child (love you hon) I have a lot of "should do's" and "need to do's" on my list every day. This was something I did for purely selfish reasons and it felt great. Just moving my body in ways I never do and letting myself go wild. (I know-odd mental picture for most of you reading this) Sort of felt like the old days except without the next morning reprocussions. I am going to do it EVERY week! And hopefully as an added bonus it will get rid of the excess baby leftover around my waist from Miss Cate. Because it's only been 18 months-too soon to have it ALL as it was pre-kid, right?!?!? (Insert sweet comments from Bloggers about my cute figure that they fortunately don't have to see in the buff)
Speaking of the little demon. Her new nickname after the all out screaming TANTRUM she threw in church Sunday. Literally had to go shut myself in a room somewhere after someone had to shut the chapel doors so she couldn't be heard when we were out in the hall. Sigh. She pulled my hair 3 TIMES. She likes to just throw herself in random directions and ends up smacking her head really hard. You'd think that would stop the insanity but it just seems to fuel her fire. And I was SO PATIENT-I just sat on the floor and waited it out while trying to minimize the damage to both of us. She was just tired and cranky. Of course after that 20 minute episode she was an angel in nursery. Whatever-as long as she gets this all out of her system before she turns into someone else at age 15, I don't care. I'll probably have to use the same technique for managing her at that age....
When I got pregnant with Caitlyn I was training to be a group fitness instructor but I never ended up completing my certification and I really regret it. I see the girls I took my courses with teaching classes now and they're completely incredible and I wish I'd finished my course. As this seems to be a recurring theme in my life that I'd like to stop, I'm really trying to get in shape and complete my training but I find I'm hesitant to do it. Not sure what's stopping me really. I sort of suck at completing things. Great starter, poor finisher. I love to set goal's as my Type A personality craves the structure, but am hard on myself when I don't measure up to my own standards. Any insight or encouragement is appreciated, as always.
I must say a big thank you for those of you out there who post on your blogs regularly. They make me laugh, cry and think about things in ways I haven't before. My challenge to you is to do one thing this week that makes you feel ALIVE like jumping out of your skin, laughing little kid ALIVE.
Hugs from here,
E

Better

For now anyways. Minimal drama for 2 weeks. I have felt the the influence of your prayers and thank you for them. It has made all the difference.
So. New Year. 2010. Feels like I should be making some life-changing monumental goals. Except I'm not. Sometimes just getting though life is monumental enough don't you think? Though after watching the seasom premiere of The Biggest Loser last night-I'd really like to get back to the shape I was in when I got pregnant with Caitlyn. Sigh.
And just for the record especially for those who don't have kids yet. I regret anytime in my life that I had the opportunity to nap or sleep in and neglected to take it. Enough said.
As you were.

Words to Ponder

Launey said I needed to update my blog so here it is. There has been major drama at our house lately. Not drama I would like to share publically but it has knocked the wind out of me enough to mention that I need a little extra prayer said for my family by you out there in bloggerland. I don't watch soap operas because a) they're stupid and unbelieveable and b) I HAVE ENOUGH DRAMA OF MY OWN!! Through it all I have had my AMAZING friends and extended family who have been at my house when I needed them just because I said I did. I feel so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.
I think we all go through things in our lives to bring us closer to Heavenly Father and evidently he thought I was too far away. I feel such peace in knowing I'm doing what is right for me and my little family but it's still hard to do. They never taught THIS in Young Women's that's for sure. I guess I should have read the fine print on the "going to Earth" document I signed because I don't think I really knew that this is what it would be like. My best friend always tells me "you can do today". And you know what. She's right.
So here are some of the thoughts that have kept me going lately (can't tell you who said all of them as I don't know). Please post some of your own favorites.
Hugs from here, E

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Evil multiplies by the response it seeks to provoke, and when I return evil for evil, I endanger corruption myself. The chain of evil is broken for good when a pure and living heart absorbs a hurt and forbears to hurt in return. Deep within every child of God, the light of Christ resides, guiding, comforting, and purifying the heart that turns to Him.-Dennis Rasmussen

To wish that you were someone else is to waste the person that you are.

Some lessons in life cannot be taught. They must be lived to be understood.

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.

When we look at a statue of someone great, we think they've got something we don't. We are trained to think that only a tiny percetage of us have the stuff it takes to become a hero. Not many of us will cure any diseases or slay any dragons, but every single one of us, EVERY single one of us is called to be a king, a queen, a hero in our ordinary lives. We don't build statues to worship the exceptional life. We build them to remind ourselves what is possible IN OUR OWN.

PLEASE READ THIS!

Noah Biorkman is a 5 year old boy who is in the last stages of neuroblastoma cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle. His family is celebrating Christmas this week and all he wants is Christmas cards. Let's try and see how many we can get to him from all over the world.

His address is :

Noah Biorkman

c/o 99.5 WYCD 2201

Woodward Heights Blvd.

Ferndale, MI

48220-1511

Please repost this to help spread the word about Noah! I chose to as he is the same age as my son and depending on the luck of the draw this could have been us.

Thanks!