The Sun Will Rise

It's kid free Thursday and I'm blogging from my IPhone because I have no idea how to get my computer to work (it's broken) and supposedly Catherine says I can blog just as easily from here. Plus I owe Kevyn a post so here goes. Life update since last May:still alive/separated/mostly sane. Mostly. Though it really depends on the day and sometimes the hour. I have wondered if I'm bi-polar with the way my moods swing like a pendulum but when I get a quiet night like tonight I realize that it is simply that I have tons going on and that doesn't leave a lot of time for me to fill myself back up to keep going. Hence kid-free Thursday. They will stay at their dad's every Thursday so I don't have to pick them up at 7pm to turn around and drop them off tomorrow morning at 6:30am on my way back to work. I cannot tell you how much I HATE working fulltime. I don't say the word hate often but it's the honest truth. There are so many things that I would rather be doing with my time and I never grew up wanting a career outside my home. Unfortunately I didn't take the time to figure out what I really wanted to be doing and the things I wanted out of life until it was too late.  I wish I could be home with my kids more/slow down the pace of life more. Where's that genie in a bottle when you need him? Yet I feel bad for complaining-a broken record-as my problems are so small and mostly manageable compared to so many out there.
I have been able to find healing and peace about my situation with Joe. He has been 100% supportive of everything these past 18 months and our relationship is healthier than it's been in years. That being said, I have decided that the marriage part of our relationship is over and am going to file for divorce this year. People keep asking when. When I get around to it. It's scary to type it or say it out loud  but it has been the focus of my thoughts for a long time stressing and wondering what to do. I did have a confirmation in the temple a year ago that it was time for me to move on but I was still very emotional and things happened over the course of this past year to make me question if that was still the right choice. After all is said and done, it is. We are lucky that we can stil be friends and do things as a family. Family in a non-traditional was but it is healthier for the kids and me this way. I don't know that I could be married to him and not be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next 60 years and that's not fair to him or to me. Time continues to soothe the hurts of my soul and though it is extremely lonely, I feel less lonely than I did when he was present physically but not present any other way in our life together. I can honestly say that I wish nothing but the best for him and I am glad that I haven't rushed into anything, but have let things progress the way they were meant to. Our bishop at the time we separated told me this would be the hardest thing I'd ever do and so far he's completely right. But if this ends up being the worst things that happens in my life I'm ok with that. I read an article about the way we choose to tell the story of our life-do we tell it as a victim or focus on the good things that have happened. I am choosing to write this as a story of my path to peace and eternal happiness and of gaining a deeper understanding of the Atonement and how it heals as well as saves souls. And if this is what had to happen so that Joe could be whole again, than I can truly say that it was worth it. It doesn't mean that we have to be married for this to have a happy ending. I have a picture in my house that says " It's never too late to live happily ever after". So here's so writing my own happy ending and focusing on the good that can come out of all of this. I know as I do what is right and am guided by Heavenly Father that things will contiue to work together for my good. I am grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life who take me as I am-the good and the bad-and don't judge but just let me cry or laugh or scream or swear or spaz out or whatever it will take for me to get through the day and to the next phase of my life. You never know when a kind word or phone call you gave to me at the right moment got me through a tough day.
Maybe kid-free Thursday nights can also be blogging Thursday. Or maybe it'll be another 8 months before you hear from me. I continually with I could do more but try not to overextend myself as it stresses my already stressed self out too much.To those of you who are in the midst of your personal hell, please know from someone that is coming through into the other side of it that the sun will rise again (see Kelly Clarkson song). We can only fully appreciate the miracle of a brilliant sunrise if we have waited in darkness.
Hugs from here. E
P.S. I had to type this out at work the next day as my IPhone had issues posting it last night at 1:30am when I finally finished it.

Leap of Faith

I LOVE this picture I took of Multnomah Falls-looking straight down-when I visited Portland over the May long weekend for my cousin's wedding. My parents offered to whisk me away and it was incredible. These past few weeks is the longest I've felt like myself since my separation in August of last year. We left on Friday afternoon and flew (!!! I haven't flown since Dec '06) into Portland which is SOOOO lush with trees everywhere. I find trees and water very calming to my soul so immediately felt like I could breathe better and I felt like all the stress that I carry daily was forgotten. I had my own room with a king sized bed and it was a bit surreal to only have to get myself ready in the mornings-this was the longest I'd been away from my kids since Josh was born 7 years ago. Friday we went to my aunt and uncle's (AMAZING) home and visited with family over a casual dinner. Then Saturday, my parents, Uncle Tom and Aunt Sue and I got to do a session at the Portland temple. It was the first time I'd been to a temple other than Cardston since I was endowed in 2002. I loved that the feeling was the same but the layout was really different. When I walked into the celestial room it took my breath away for a second it was that stunning. (google it). I thought to myself that if this is what heaven is going to be like then I can wait, I can hold on, to be able to be there with my family forever.
While we were waiting for the session to start, I was reading in D&C 84:81-84 which says:
81 Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed (or if I'll ever have an eternal companion-just adding that in..)
82 For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these.
83 For your Father, who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things.
84 Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself.
Ever since my separation, I have felt heavily the burden of caring for these 2 precious children on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have TONS of help from family and friends. But when it comes right down to it, I'm the one that is responsible and will be held accountable for them. I stress daily their physical, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual needs. I worry about the things I feel I cannot provide for them at this time due to my circumstances. I worry that I am not doing enough, being enough , giving enough, or worthy enough to see this through. Those 4 verses quieted the tape that plays in my head and I felt the comfort of my Father saying "You are enough. Leave it with me and I will take care of it." I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, as he is of you. I am taking this leap of faith that in His own time, things will work out for my little family. I am trying my best to do what is right and counting on him to fulfill his promises. I know he is one man that WON'T let me down, no matter how many times I may have let him down with my choices.
I've been reading this book "God Never Blinks. 50 Lessons for Life's Little Detours" by Regina Brett. She is a writer who, when she turned 50, wrote a newspaper column on the fifty lessons life had taught her. This became one of the most popular columns ever published in her newspaper and has been e-mailed to thousands worldwide. You've gotta read it-it's so uplifting and inspiring and it was around $10 at Wal-mart (my Happy Mother's day to me gift)
These are the titles of the lessons:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next right step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. The most important sex organ is the brain.
10. God never gives us more than we were designed to carry.
11. Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.
12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be kept secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything life hands you if you stay put in the day you are in and don't jump ahead.
18. A writer is someone who writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save anything for a special occasion. Today is special enough.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. Start saving 10% for retirement as soon as you get your first paycheck.
25. No one else is in charge of your happiness. You are the CEO of your joy.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: " In five years will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30.The passage of time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. No matter how good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick, but your friends will. Stay in touch with them.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative. Dying young looks good only in movies.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. No matter what your faith, they cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting for you to discover.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and got a look at everyone else's, we'd fight to get back our own.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything you truly need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life.
47. Breathe. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

As she expounds on the first lesson, she gives an example of replacing the words "I have to" with "I get to". I get to go grocery shopping, I get to pick up my kids, I get to go to work, etc...
Putting a positive spin on it changes your view of it. We all "get to " do things in our lives that others only wish they could.
At any rate-that's my life right now. It feel so good to feel good. I'm excited for the future and can't wait to see what is in store for me. Sometimes it seems like anything is possible. And when I get discouraged, I read President Monson's favorite scripture (also one of Ms. A's)
D&C 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Gotta love a man who keeps his promises. Love and hugs, E

Whatever it takes

It's my new mantra because heaven knows I need one. Whatever it takes to get through this brutal time. It has been BRUTAL emotionally for me recently. I am either freakishly giddy, really pissed off or severely depressed. Does not make for pleasant blogging. Or a pleasant life frankly. I have a hard time focusing on the details of my life and feel like a complete idiot when people are talking and I should be able to follow the conversation or question they are asking me but it gets a little foggy when I try to interpret it. What? Huh? Then I feel like I just want to blurt out my whole life story and that I'm usually way more together than I am right now, but I'm barely surviving with all the things I need to get done just to get through a day working full time with 2 small children and a home to maintain. I get that there are worse things in the world-earthquakes in Japan, children locked in closets by their parents (thanks Oprah for that uplifting episode now I need to go buy more Kleenex) sickness, job loss etc. But what has happened in my life these past 10 years has rocked my emotional world as devastatingly as that earthquake rocked their physical one.
Rocked my world-not in a good way. I am questioning and examining everything that makes me who I am and why I do the things I do. Most days I am just hanging on by my fingernails at the edge of the cliff wondering if anyone will extend a helping hand to pull me up. Unless you've gone through a separation or divorce you just don't get it. If he had stabbed me 1000 times physically, people would be saying you need to rest, wait til your strength is better and you feel up to handling your life. He stabbed me 1000 times emotionally and though you cannot see it, the pain is overwhelming at times. I need time to heal. Time is the one thing that I don't feel I have. My time is rarely my own. I feel such a sense of loss and I never know what will set me off. The census guy was here the other night and asked me the standard questions. "Hubby?" No. But I did have one once. Cue crying fit in the kitchen for 10 minutes after I shut the door. It's funny though (well it's not but whatever) because said hubby didn't treat me very well a lot of the time. And maybe I am grieving that most of all. That I didn't have the self worth to say that it wasn't okay to be treated like that over and over again. I don't think he sees that it's that big a deal which is even harder to take. I invested so much of myself into that relationship and for what? I tried my hardest for 10 years to make it work, be patient, pray, fast, scream, cry, plead, beg until I had nothing left and then I gave it to God and still nothing changed. So there is a part of me that doesn't want to try at anything anymore if this is where I have ended up for trying my hardest. I simply don't have the energy right now. Just getting through it. Whatever it takes. If that means I am 20 minutes late to church-at least I'm going. There are a lot of times lately that I really really don't want to show up for my life. But I am. At least now I know what I don't want. Still trying to figure out how to get what I do want and feel worthy of that. It really doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are when the one person who was supposed to think you were the world didn't seem to feel that way at all. I wasn't even on his list. I'm tired of being unequally yoked except now I'm pulling the freaking handcart completely alone which isn't any harder-just different hard. Thank you to those of you out there who come along the path and help me pull when you can. It makes all the difference. And hopefully someday I will find the person who would be willing to pull the cart even if I had to ride in it for awhile to rest. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. I want someone who is in it for forever not just if he feels like it in the moment. However I truly feel that until I figure out what it is about me that is willing to accept less, I will just get a different looking version of the same person. And I will end up here again. This is not a spot I want to revisit. Through the grace of God I will get through this and come out the other side a better, stronger me.

Boundries

Hello my friends. It's been awhile. I've been, well, busy. 2 kids (one that never stops saying Mom-really-NEVER-Mom mom mom mom-what Caitlyn?!?!?!?!? Mom mom mom mom. Sigh. One day she won't want to speak to me at all and then i'll miss this I'm sure) fulltime job (going way better-more of a routine now) house to keep up (just the basics because frankly that's what closets are for-to store all the crap that clutters my space) workouts to attend (somehow I'm now eating through my emotions and don't want to have any more padding than is already there) friends to enjoy (thank heavens for that) church (can always do more really).
But I've been the most busy in my head. Trying to figure out what has happened in my life that made me think that the things that were going on in my marital relationship were okay. I could name 10 things off the top of my head that went on that could curl your toes. So how come I rationalized my way to here? This is what I've been busy doing. Figuring it out. And grieving it now because I couldn't when it happened. I had to hold it all together so things wouldn't fall apart. Funny how they do anyway. I think Heavenly Father gives us a certain amount of time in a situation and then when we're REALLY not getting the picture, gives us a swift kick in the butt so that we finally take action instead of simply allowing life to pass us by. I'm sorta tired of life passing me by. It feels good to take action. But heartwrenching, gutwrenching to see clearly that which has been foggy for so long. I'm excited to create this beautiful, SAFE future for myself and my children. And completely anxious and scared all at the same time. Which brings me to boundries. I tend to have pretty fuzzy boundries after having been emotionally abused for most of my life. At least they've been fuzzy in the past. Time to learn about boundries and how to create them. For that reason I have considered making my blog private as I don't know if I want certain people to read my innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want that part of me you're going to have to work hard to get it-this is what people with boundries do ( it's a revalation to me). However, I also have had private comments sent to me from those who read my blog that really helped me and maybe something I have said helped them. Sorta win win. So for now the blog stays as is. Don't know how often I'll post or how interesting it really is to you out there in bloggerland but it is what it is.
2 things I've learned lately that have really struck me:
1. Marie Osmond when she was on Oprah said " You marry at the level of your self worth" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lightbulb moment.
2. Love shouldn't hurt. Wait. What? Really. Hmmmmmmmmm.
Bottom line for my life: I know what I deserve and I won't settle for less anymore. I AM DONE SETTLING AND FIXING AND PLEADING AND CRYING AND HOPING. DONE.
Just so we're clear.
Boundries. They kinda rock.

Reprieve

My mom gave me a book titled "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart" an emotional and spiritual handbook. #1 says-If you want to get through this crisis you will have to Cry Your Heart Out. Check. When I did my last post I was right in the thick of it. It was all I could do to hang on and not just start sobbing in the middle of Wal-mart. I felt like things were foggy around me and I couldn't focus.
This week has been much much better. Mostly thanks to all of you. I feel SO SO loved by all my friends and family. It amazes me how many of you went above and beyond just to make my life/day/that minute better. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the hugs, e-mails, FB messages, warm banana bread, yummy meals, Edible Arrangement (!), flowers, books, taking care of my kids when I couldn't, priesthood blessings and especially for your prayers. Every one of you who reached out helped me at a time when I could barely stand up straight, when just existing was hard. I hope that one day I can do the same for you.
I keep telling people that I feel bipolar-these crazy emotions and mood swings are pretty wild. I suppose with all the stress of the past 10 years, I just have to let myself feel anything and everything I've been holding in as I've tried to keep our lives from falling apart. It was a big job. It's such a breath of fresh air not to have to stress all that came with the situation we were in with Joe. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that anxiety and I wonder how I did it for so long. It's SO NICE not to have to do THAT anymore.
Luckily, this week I've had a reprieve from the sadness and feel wonderful. Productive, energetic and back to me. Thank goodness for that. I know that I have to work through this step by step and not do a classic me and try to skip ahead. I want to heal from the past and have closure before I move on. I want to understand myself more fully so that I can be the best mom, friend, and woman that I can be. I FINALLY know what I deserve from life and I won't accept less than that. To those of you who have been caught in the emotional crossfire (you know who you are) I'm sorry. But thank you for allowing me to be me and sticking around anyway ;) I continue to be a work in progress.
Bottom line-I'm good. And if any of you are in that dark place, please call me anytime. At least this week, I'm good.
xoxoxoxox E
P.S. Divine Ms. M-I busted out the Josh Groban Christmas music for this post. You win. :)

Relentless

How do I even begin this post? My life continues to spiral faster and faster and I struggle daily to keep my head above water. I feel exhausted in every way. I don't know how long I can keep up this grueling pace. I worked my butt off for 9 hours straight today with no break assisting our new associate who is like a tornado of dental work and it brought every fear and doubt about my being good enough to the surface. The hard thing about taking him on 2 days a week is that I am already facing every fear and doubt I have in my personal life-I just don't know if I have it in me to do it professionally. I am WAY out of my comfort zone. It is all I can do most days just to get through them let alone when I am literally shaking with anxiety and barely able to form complete sentences because I'm trying to do 10 more things at once than my usual 20 at work. Today was crazy. So then I sped to my gym because Joe was taking the kids so I could workout and despite barely eating today (yes for those of you who have commented about my weight-I DO eat-when I can make time-tonight I had dinner finally at 8ish) I needed to go and do something I knew I was good at. That would made me feel like laughing instead of crying. So I did that and it was great and then came home and got the kids occupied and went in the shower and just bawled. I let out everything I had to hold in all day. My life is SO go go go and everything I have and everything my kids have depends on me. It gives me great anxiety to feel that heavy burden daily. I always pray simply to get through another day. There is no downtime with running a home by myself, taking care of 2 small children, and working fulltime outside my home 5 days a week. Right now I should be putting dishes away, packing Josh's lunch, taking out the garbage and recycling, unpacking my work bag and repacking it for tomorrow, and getting out Josh's clothes for tomorrow so he can make his 7:30am bus. Oh and sleeping. I have chosen to blog instead to get these feelings out. The hard thing is when I choose me, I choose to let all those things go but at some point they have to get done so we can all get to where we need to be in a day. It is SO completely overwhelming on top of what I am going through emotionally with the separation. It is extremely frustrating to watch someone I love lose their job, a job they want to be at, so that I can be working at a job I DON'T want to be at, at all, so that I can provide for my family. I'm not trying to play the victim-I AM the victim. A victim of someone else's actions that I can't control. Those choices keep impacting my life in a huge way on a daily basis and it is all I can do not to hate him for it when I see him.
I don't know if I knew that it would be this bad, this hard, if I would have chosen to leave Joe. I guess that is why we don't get to see the future because it may limit our growth. I'm sorta okay with limited growth at this point. I was thinking today-oh so THIS is what the term "living hell" truly feels like. I could have gone my whole life not knowing that feeling and been okay with that. There is nothing I feel I have to look forward to in my future other than seeing my kids at the end of the day-that is what I am living for right now-they keep me going. Their spontaneous hugs and I love you Mom's. I cuddled with Josh tonight and completely passed out for 2 hours in his bed. And it sucks that I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. IT SUCKS. I miss my old life but I don't miss the hurt and complete void that we were all getting sucked into. I don't know that where I am now is much better-just a different insanity.
I have lost so much in this separation-it is broader than Joe and I just living in separate homes. I was really close to his family and now I am not. That is partially because he is living at his parents house right now and partially to protect myself but it is still a major loss. I have lost the freedom to come and go as I please, the joy of staying home with my children more than I leave them, that extra pair of hands to get someone a drink of water, daily backrubs or backscratches from that same pair of hands. I have had to let go of that small shred of hope that one day our family would be eternally sealed once again. So many dreams I have had for 11 years I am having to let go of because of his choices. I'm heartbroken. My circle of trust continues to get smaller and smaller and the phone rings less and less. It is lonely.
So if you see me and think I look like I'm doing okay, know this. I am not. Not deep down where it counts. The odd day is better than today was but mostly SO NOT OKAY. My hope is that one day I will be. Everyone else seems to be convinced of that. It will take me a lot more than 3 months to know it for myself. However, I HAVE survived 3 months and that does count for something. I really want more for myself than just to survive, I want to thrive. One day. Until then, if this is the refiners fire, then I am in the hottest part of the flame. Will someone please pull me out? I'm ready to cool off for a bit.

Back

This picture is Josh personified. Just for fun.

Hello lovelies. I'm back. Not just back here to type random things to you but BACK. I didn't really realize I'd been gone for so long. I look at myself and think-oh yeah-THERE I am. Hooray for me. Hooray for all of you who have had my back while I waded through all the "stuff " these past years have brought to me. You rock. Some of you will make it into heaven simply based on that fact-don't worry I'll vouch for you. Now let me tell you WHY I'm back.

Last Sunday I was having a meltdown-couldn't keep it together, called Miss A (who you should really meet if you don't know her-she's amazing and has saved me thousands in therapy) who told me to PRAY. Now, I DO pray. I pray a lot. But that night I knelt down and prayed out loud and I haven't said and felt a prayer that powerful since I prayed when I chose to be active in the church again when I was 23 years old. And ever since that prayer (thanks again Miss A-gold star-see above remark about heaven) I have been feeling like things are right with the world again. And my world hasn't felt this right for years. It's blissful. I feel like anything is possible because I am willing to do what He tells me to do-to follow the plan He has in store. I have let go of the need to control it all and am content to just follow. It's nice not to lead or at least think I am leading. I am a very dominant personality and it's interesting to finally click in to being humble and teachable and open to every possibility. I feel liberated. I don't feel the need to know where all of this is going to end up because HE knows and as long as I keep doing what I can to stay in touch with Him, then He'll let ME know. Not a revelation to most of you but this is blowing my mind lately. Are things perfect? Nope. But I am learning and growing at such a rapid pace-like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Wonder if this is what it will feel like when we get to heaven and that other veil is removed. I hope so. I wish everyone could feel this much hope who have been feeling utter despair. But that's another beautiful thing is that THEY CAN. We all can.

On another note. My mother. She's another one of those people that you just have to meet. My mother is larger than life. Her favorite word lately is fabulous-it's how she describes everything from her day to her latest purchase. My mother is the one person on this earth who has done the most for me in every aspect and continues to do more every day. She called and left a message on my answering machine the day of my birthday (which sucked this year) singing happy birthday to me in this gentle voice and I saved the message. I love it so much I want to keep it forever. If Telus automatically deletes it after 9 days or whatever I'm gonna be ticked so I keep going in and resaving it. Really cheesy, right? But I just LOVE it. And when I came home on my birthday from a LOOONNNGGGG day with my 2 kids in tow feeling so sad, I opened the door to my house and Josh gasped. Because there were helium balloons tied to my railing, purple stars glittering up my coffee table with a big bouquet of flowers, a birthday cake with the numbers 35 on it, and beautifully wrapped gifts. I burst into tears. Every gift Josh kept opening for me just made me cry harder. Because SHE KNEW that I would need that at the end of that day. She knew and she did and it was amazing. I know she is one of the people that I told Heavenly Father I'd have to have right beside me if I was going to come down to earth and do all of this. I knew I would have to have her to get me through it. And I put her through a lot when I was younger-just had to test her to see if she'd stick around-poor woman. That's one thing my mom does well-she sticks. I learned that from her. My mom is loyal. Thank you Mom for all that you do for me. I love you to pieces.