Brown Eyed Girl

Leap of Faith

2011-05-31T22:34:00.003-06:00

I LOVE this picture I took of Multnomah Falls-looking straight down-when I visited Portland over the May long weekend for my cousin's wedding. My parents offered to whisk me away and it was incredible. These past few weeks is the longest I've felt like myself since my separation in August of last year. We left on Friday afternoon and flew (!!! I haven't flown since Dec '06) into Portland which is SOOOO lush with trees everywhere. I find trees and water very calming to my soul so immediately felt like I could breathe better and I felt like all the stress that I carry daily was forgotten. I had my own room with a king sized bed and it was a bit surreal to only have to get myself ready in the mornings-this was the longest I'd been away from my kids since Josh was born 7 years ago. Friday we went to my aunt and uncle's (AMAZING) home and visited with family over a casual dinner. Then Saturday, my parents, Uncle Tom and Aunt Sue and I got to do a session at the Portland temple. It was the first time I'd been to a temple other than Cardston since I was endowed in 2002. I loved that the feeling was the same but the layout was really different. When I walked into the celestial room it took my breath away for a second it was that stunning. (google it). I thought to myself that if this is what heaven is going to be like then I can wait, I can hold on, to be able to be there with my family forever.
While we were waiting for the session to start, I was reading in D&C 84:81-84 which says:
81 Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed (or if I'll ever have an eternal companion-just adding that in..)
82 For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these.
83 For your Father, who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things.
84 Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself.
Ever since my separation, I have felt heavily the burden of caring for these 2 precious children on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have TONS of help from family and friends. But when it comes right down to it, I'm the one that is responsible and will be held accountable for them. I stress daily their physical, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual needs. I worry about the things I feel I cannot provide for them at this time due to my circumstances. I worry that I am not doing enough, being enough , giving enough, or worthy enough to see this through. Those 4 verses quieted the tape that plays in my head and I felt the comfort of my Father saying "You are enough. Leave it with me and I will take care of it." I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, as he is of you. I am taking this leap of faith that in His own time, things will work out for my little family. I am trying my best to do what is right and counting on him to fulfill his promises. I know he is one man that WON'T let me down, no matter how many times I may have let him down with my choices.
I've been reading this book "God Never Blinks. 50 Lessons for Life's Little Detours" by Regina Brett. She is a writer who, when she turned 50, wrote a newspaper column on the fifty lessons life had taught her. This became one of the most popular columns ever published in her newspaper and has been e-mailed to thousands worldwide. You've gotta read it-it's so uplifting and inspiring and it was around $10 at Wal-mart (my Happy Mother's day to me gift)
These are the titles of the lessons:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next right step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. The most important sex organ is the brain.
10. God never gives us more than we were designed to carry.
11. Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.
12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be kept secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything life hands you if you stay put in the day you are in and don't jump ahead.
18. A writer is someone who writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save anything for a special occasion. Today is special enough.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. Start saving 10% for retirement as soon as you get your first paycheck.
25. No one else is in charge of your happiness. You are the CEO of your joy.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: " In five years will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30.The passage of time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. No matter how good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick, but your friends will. Stay in touch with them.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative. Dying young looks good only in movies.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. No matter what your faith, they cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting for you to discover.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and got a look at everyone else's, we'd fight to get back our own.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything you truly need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life.
47. Breathe. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

As she expounds on the first lesson, she gives an example of replacing the words "I have to" with "I get to". I get to go grocery shopping, I get to pick up my kids, I get to go to work, etc...
Putting a positive spin on it changes your view of it. We all "get to " do things in our lives that others only wish they could.
At any rate-that's my life right now. It feel so good to feel good. I'm excited for the future and can't wait to see what is in store for me. Sometimes it seems like anything is possible. And when I get discouraged, I read President Monson's favorite scripture (also one of Ms. A's)
D&C 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Gotta love a man who keeps his promises. Love and hugs, E

Whatever it takes

2011-04-14T22:54:00.003-06:00

It's my new mantra because heaven knows I need one. Whatever it takes to get through this brutal time. It has been BRUTAL emotionally for me recently. I am either freakishly giddy, really pissed off or severely depressed. Does not make for pleasant blogging. Or a pleasant life frankly. I have a hard time focusing on the details of my life and feel like a complete idiot when people are talking and I should be able to follow the conversation or question they are asking me but it gets a little foggy when I try to interpret it. What? Huh? Then I feel like I just want to blurt out my whole life story and that I'm usually way more together than I am right now, but I'm barely surviving with all the things I need to get done just to get through a day working full time with 2 small children and a home to maintain. I get that there are worse things in the world-earthquakes in Japan, children locked in closets by their parents (thanks Oprah for that uplifting episode now I need to go buy more Kleenex) sickness, job loss etc. But what has happened in my life these past 10 years has rocked my emotional world as devastatingly as that earthquake rocked their physical one.
Rocked my world-not in a good way. I am questioning and examining everything that makes me who I am and why I do the things I do. Most days I am just hanging on by my fingernails at the edge of the cliff wondering if anyone will extend a helping hand to pull me up. Unless you've gone through a separation or divorce you just don't get it. If he had stabbed me 1000 times physically, people would be saying you need to rest, wait til your strength is better and you feel up to handling your life. He stabbed me 1000 times emotionally and though you cannot see it, the pain is overwhelming at times. I need time to heal. Time is the one thing that I don't feel I have. My time is rarely my own. I feel such a sense of loss and I never know what will set me off. The census guy was here the other night and asked me the standard questions. "Hubby?" No. But I did have one once. Cue crying fit in the kitchen for 10 minutes after I shut the door. It's funny though (well it's not but whatever) because said hubby didn't treat me very well a lot of the time. And maybe I am grieving that most of all. That I didn't have the self worth to say that it wasn't okay to be treated like that over and over again. I don't think he sees that it's that big a deal which is even harder to take. I invested so much of myself into that relationship and for what? I tried my hardest for 10 years to make it work, be patient, pray, fast, scream, cry, plead, beg until I had nothing left and then I gave it to God and still nothing changed. So there is a part of me that doesn't want to try at anything anymore if this is where I have ended up for trying my hardest. I simply don't have the energy right now. Just getting through it. Whatever it takes. If that means I am 20 minutes late to church-at least I'm going. There are a lot of times lately that I really really don't want to show up for my life. But I am. At least now I know what I don't want. Still trying to figure out how to get what I do want and feel worthy of that. It really doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are when the one person who was supposed to think you were the world didn't seem to feel that way at all. I wasn't even on his list. I'm tired of being unequally yoked except now I'm pulling the freaking handcart completely alone which isn't any harder-just different hard. Thank you to those of you out there who come along the path and help me pull when you can. It makes all the difference. And hopefully someday I will find the person who would be willing to pull the cart even if I had to ride in it for awhile to rest. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. I want someone who is in it for forever not just if he feels like it in the moment. However I truly feel that until I figure out what it is about me that is willing to accept less, I will just get a different looking version of the same person. And I will end up here again. This is not a spot I want to revisit. Through the grace of God I will get through this and come out the other side a better, stronger me.

Boundries

2011-02-20T00:10:00.002-07:00

Hello my friends. It's been awhile. I've been, well, busy. 2 kids (one that never stops saying Mom-really-NEVER-Mom mom mom mom-what Caitlyn?!?!?!?!? Mom mom mom mom. Sigh. One day she won't want to speak to me at all and then i'll miss this I'm sure) fulltime job (going way better-more of a routine now) house to keep up (just the basics because frankly that's what closets are for-to store all the crap that clutters my space) workouts to attend (somehow I'm now eating through my emotions and don't want to have any more padding than is already there) friends to enjoy (thank heavens for that) church (can always do more really).
But I've been the most busy in my head. Trying to figure out what has happened in my life that made me think that the things that were going on in my marital relationship were okay. I could name 10 things off the top of my head that went on that could curl your toes. So how come I rationalized my way to here? This is what I've been busy doing. Figuring it out. And grieving it now because I couldn't when it happened. I had to hold it all together so things wouldn't fall apart. Funny how they do anyway. I think Heavenly Father gives us a certain amount of time in a situation and then when we're REALLY not getting the picture, gives us a swift kick in the butt so that we finally take action instead of simply allowing life to pass us by. I'm sorta tired of life passing me by. It feels good to take action. But heartwrenching, gutwrenching to see clearly that which has been foggy for so long. I'm excited to create this beautiful, SAFE future for myself and my children. And completely anxious and scared all at the same time. Which brings me to boundries. I tend to have pretty fuzzy boundries after having been emotionally abused for most of my life. At least they've been fuzzy in the past. Time to learn about boundries and how to create them. For that reason I have considered making my blog private as I don't know if I want certain people to read my innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want that part of me you're going to have to work hard to get it-this is what people with boundries do ( it's a revalation to me). However, I also have had private comments sent to me from those who read my blog that really helped me and maybe something I have said helped them. Sorta win win. So for now the blog stays as is. Don't know how often I'll post or how interesting it really is to you out there in bloggerland but it is what it is.
2 things I've learned lately that have really struck me:
1. Marie Osmond when she was on Oprah said " You marry at the level of your self worth" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lightbulb moment.
2. Love shouldn't hurt. Wait. What? Really. Hmmmmmmmmm.
Bottom line for my life: I know what I deserve and I won't settle for less anymore. I AM DONE SETTLING AND FIXING AND PLEADING AND CRYING AND HOPING. DONE.
Just so we're clear.
Boundries. They kinda rock.

Reprieve

2010-11-11T19:45:00.003-07:00

My mom gave me a book titled "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart" an emotional and spiritual handbook. #1 says-If you want to get through this crisis you will have to Cry Your Heart Out. Check. When I did my last post I was right in the thick of it. It was all I could do to hang on and not just start sobbing in the middle of Wal-mart. I felt like things were foggy around me and I couldn't focus.
This week has been much much better. Mostly thanks to all of you. I feel SO SO loved by all my friends and family. It amazes me how many of you went above and beyond just to make my life/day/that minute better. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the hugs, e-mails, FB messages, warm banana bread, yummy meals, Edible Arrangement (!), flowers, books, taking care of my kids when I couldn't, priesthood blessings and especially for your prayers. Every one of you who reached out helped me at a time when I could barely stand up straight, when just existing was hard. I hope that one day I can do the same for you.
I keep telling people that I feel bipolar-these crazy emotions and mood swings are pretty wild. I suppose with all the stress of the past 10 years, I just have to let myself feel anything and everything I've been holding in as I've tried to keep our lives from falling apart. It was a big job. It's such a breath of fresh air not to have to stress all that came with the situation we were in with Joe. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that anxiety and I wonder how I did it for so long. It's SO NICE not to have to do THAT anymore.
Luckily, this week I've had a reprieve from the sadness and feel wonderful. Productive, energetic and back to me. Thank goodness for that. I know that I have to work through this step by step and not do a classic me and try to skip ahead. I want to heal from the past and have closure before I move on. I want to understand myself more fully so that I can be the best mom, friend, and woman that I can be. I FINALLY know what I deserve from life and I won't accept less than that. To those of you who have been caught in the emotional crossfire (you know who you are) I'm sorry. But thank you for allowing me to be me and sticking around anyway ;) I continue to be a work in progress.
Bottom line-I'm good. And if any of you are in that dark place, please call me anytime. At least this week, I'm good.
xoxoxoxox E
P.S. Divine Ms. M-I busted out the Josh Groban Christmas music for this post. You win. :)

Relentless

2010-11-02T23:46:00.004-06:00

How do I even begin this post? My life continues to spiral faster and faster and I struggle daily to keep my head above water. I feel exhausted in every way. I don't know how long I can keep up this grueling pace. I worked my butt off for 9 hours straight today with no break assisting our new associate who is like a tornado of dental work and it brought every fear and doubt about my being good enough to the surface. The hard thing about taking him on 2 days a week is that I am already facing every fear and doubt I have in my personal life-I just don't know if I have it in me to do it professionally. I am WAY out of my comfort zone. It is all I can do most days just to get through them let alone when I am literally shaking with anxiety and barely able to form complete sentences because I'm trying to do 10 more things at once than my usual 20 at work. Today was crazy. So then I sped to my gym because Joe was taking the kids so I could workout and despite barely eating today (yes for those of you who have commented about my weight-I DO eat-when I can make time-tonight I had dinner finally at 8ish) I needed to go and do something I knew I was good at. That would made me feel like laughing instead of crying. So I did that and it was great and then came home and got the kids occupied and went in the shower and just bawled. I let out everything I had to hold in all day. My life is SO go go go and everything I have and everything my kids have depends on me. It gives me great anxiety to feel that heavy burden daily. I always pray simply to get through another day. There is no downtime with running a home by myself, taking care of 2 small children, and working fulltime outside my home 5 days a week. Right now I should be putting dishes away, packing Josh's lunch, taking out the garbage and recycling, unpacking my work bag and repacking it for tomorrow, and getting out Josh's clothes for tomorrow so he can make his 7:30am bus. Oh and sleeping. I have chosen to blog instead to get these feelings out. The hard thing is when I choose me, I choose to let all those things go but at some point they have to get done so we can all get to where we need to be in a day. It is SO completely overwhelming on top of what I am going through emotionally with the separation. It is extremely frustrating to watch someone I love lose their job, a job they want to be at, so that I can be working at a job I DON'T want to be at, at all, so that I can provide for my family. I'm not trying to play the victim-I AM the victim. A victim of someone else's actions that I can't control. Those choices keep impacting my life in a huge way on a daily basis and it is all I can do not to hate him for it when I see him.
I don't know if I knew that it would be this bad, this hard, if I would have chosen to leave Joe. I guess that is why we don't get to see the future because it may limit our growth. I'm sorta okay with limited growth at this point. I was thinking today-oh so THIS is what the term "living hell" truly feels like. I could have gone my whole life not knowing that feeling and been okay with that. There is nothing I feel I have to look forward to in my future other than seeing my kids at the end of the day-that is what I am living for right now-they keep me going. Their spontaneous hugs and I love you Mom's. I cuddled with Josh tonight and completely passed out for 2 hours in his bed. And it sucks that I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. IT SUCKS. I miss my old life but I don't miss the hurt and complete void that we were all getting sucked into. I don't know that where I am now is much better-just a different insanity.
I have lost so much in this separation-it is broader than Joe and I just living in separate homes. I was really close to his family and now I am not. That is partially because he is living at his parents house right now and partially to protect myself but it is still a major loss. I have lost the freedom to come and go as I please, the joy of staying home with my children more than I leave them, that extra pair of hands to get someone a drink of water, daily backrubs or backscratches from that same pair of hands. I have had to let go of that small shred of hope that one day our family would be eternally sealed once again. So many dreams I have had for 11 years I am having to let go of because of his choices. I'm heartbroken. My circle of trust continues to get smaller and smaller and the phone rings less and less. It is lonely.
So if you see me and think I look like I'm doing okay, know this. I am not. Not deep down where it counts. The odd day is better than today was but mostly SO NOT OKAY. My hope is that one day I will be. Everyone else seems to be convinced of that. It will take me a lot more than 3 months to know it for myself. However, I HAVE survived 3 months and that does count for something. I really want more for myself than just to survive, I want to thrive. One day. Until then, if this is the refiners fire, then I am in the hottest part of the flame. Will someone please pull me out? I'm ready to cool off for a bit.

Back

2010-09-23T23:42:00.005-06:00

This picture is Josh personified. Just for fun.

Hello lovelies. I'm back. Not just back here to type random things to you but BACK. I didn't really realize I'd been gone for so long. I look at myself and think-oh yeah-THERE I am. Hooray for me. Hooray for all of you who have had my back while I waded through all the "stuff " these past years have brought to me. You rock. Some of you will make it into heaven simply based on that fact-don't worry I'll vouch for you. Now let me tell you WHY I'm back.

Last Sunday I was having a meltdown-couldn't keep it together, called Miss A (who you should really meet if you don't know her-she's amazing and has saved me thousands in therapy) who told me to PRAY. Now, I DO pray. I pray a lot. But that night I knelt down and prayed out loud and I haven't said and felt a prayer that powerful since I prayed when I chose to be active in the church again when I was 23 years old. And ever since that prayer (thanks again Miss A-gold star-see above remark about heaven) I have been feeling like things are right with the world again. And my world hasn't felt this right for years. It's blissful. I feel like anything is possible because I am willing to do what He tells me to do-to follow the plan He has in store. I have let go of the need to control it all and am content to just follow. It's nice not to lead or at least think I am leading. I am a very dominant personality and it's interesting to finally click in to being humble and teachable and open to every possibility. I feel liberated. I don't feel the need to know where all of this is going to end up because HE knows and as long as I keep doing what I can to stay in touch with Him, then He'll let ME know. Not a revelation to most of you but this is blowing my mind lately. Are things perfect? Nope. But I am learning and growing at such a rapid pace-like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Wonder if this is what it will feel like when we get to heaven and that other veil is removed. I hope so. I wish everyone could feel this much hope who have been feeling utter despair. But that's another beautiful thing is that THEY CAN. We all can.

On another note. My mother. She's another one of those people that you just have to meet. My mother is larger than life. Her favorite word lately is fabulous-it's how she describes everything from her day to her latest purchase. My mother is the one person on this earth who has done the most for me in every aspect and continues to do more every day. She called and left a message on my answering machine the day of my birthday (which sucked this year) singing happy birthday to me in this gentle voice and I saved the message. I love it so much I want to keep it forever. If Telus automatically deletes it after 9 days or whatever I'm gonna be ticked so I keep going in and resaving it. Really cheesy, right? But I just LOVE it. And when I came home on my birthday from a LOOONNNGGGG day with my 2 kids in tow feeling so sad, I opened the door to my house and Josh gasped. Because there were helium balloons tied to my railing, purple stars glittering up my coffee table with a big bouquet of flowers, a birthday cake with the numbers 35 on it, and beautifully wrapped gifts. I burst into tears. Every gift Josh kept opening for me just made me cry harder. Because SHE KNEW that I would need that at the end of that day. She knew and she did and it was amazing. I know she is one of the people that I told Heavenly Father I'd have to have right beside me if I was going to come down to earth and do all of this. I knew I would have to have her to get me through it. And I put her through a lot when I was younger-just had to test her to see if she'd stick around-poor woman. That's one thing my mom does well-she sticks. I learned that from her. My mom is loyal. Thank you Mom for all that you do for me. I love you to pieces.

Such a time as this

2010-09-05T14:33:00.007-06:00

....and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Esther 4:14
This was a scripture quoted by our new Stake Relief Society President at the adult session of stake conference and it was such an amazing talk about remembering why we are on the earth and what our purpose may be. God knows it and we once knew it, even though we aren't allowed to fully remember it ( that would be too easy ) we can get insight as we draw close to the Lord.

I recently read the blog of a woman who lost her 18 month old daughter this past July after she fell into a canal and died a week later. Click here. This woman's faith amazes me and has inspired me to be a more present mother and take the time to play with my children. One of her recent posts was titled-I CAN DO HARD THINGS which is what she tells herself as she meets daily challenges that have the potential to cripple her already heartbroken spirit not even 2 months after losing her only child. Though I cannot relate to her situation, I CAN relate to her emotion and applaud her for her courage and steadfastness to the Saviour. I do not know if I would be able to do the same in her shoes.
However, I can keep going in my own life despite the overwhelming feeling of being a single parent. There are days I just want to scream. There are days where I just don't want to get out of bed. But I keep going because it is what I choose to do. I want my children to remember that I never gave up-I FOUGHT. I fought until I couldn't fight anymore and then I picked myself up and fought some more. Because they are worth more than what they have had. And so am I.

Choice

2010-08-29T00:56:00.008-06:00

Josh and I at the Calgary Zoo-Aug 2010

Photo courtesy of Josh-don't mind my no makeup just going to the park with the kids and didn't think I'd be getting my pic taken but Caitlyn looks too adorable not to post this.

Spray park at Summerland

This is how we found them sleeping in the tent the first night out. So we let them sleep together evey night after that the whole week. SO cute. Took them a good hour to settle most nights.

This is the view along the path I run at Summerland. It is my new screensaver to remind my to be calm. I have been angry about certain people not being sensitive to my needs on and off for the past week. (which has been everyone at certain times and no one at others-I'm hypersensitive right now). I haven't been in the best place emotionally and was focusing on what others were or weren't doing for me or to me or with me. I'm not a let it go kind of gal. I'm a let's confront all the emotions we're feeling and talk about them til someone is crying or yelling so it's all laid out on the table. (When I took my anger management course after Josh was born, I learned that my personality type has to learn to AVOID-pick my battles-not pick to battle every time.)
Then I was sitting at the table at dinner today and decided I was just going to let it go. Not talk to the people I wanted to confront. Not worry or be mad about what I couldn't control but choose to control what I can. Keep my power by choosing to be positive and not stressing about what is so totally wrong with this whole situation or who isn't helping me the way I want them to. Because the reality is that it's really no one's job to make this okay for me. I have to make things okay for myself. Plus, as my sister-in-law pointed out-if I feel like I'm doing it alone, it just proves that I AM strong enough to do it. I'm not giving up. Not on my kids, not on my life, not on me. I AM STRONG. For all the things that I wasn't able to choose these past few years, I can choose this. I choose peace. I looked out my kitchen window and saw a rainbow which I took as God's approval at me letting it go. Choosing differently. That's big for me. This whole thing is big for me. Fingers crossed and one day at a time we'll all come through it somehow.

Fragile-handle with care

2010-08-24T23:38:00.003-06:00

I can't sleep. Well, I probably could sleep if I'd just go to bed. I find myself staying up really late for no real reason at all other than trying to figure out this new life I've created for myself. The move went really well-lots of help. People went above and beyond just to help my little family. I was a bit surprised at the extent really.
This whole settling in part is throwing me off. My life has changed drastically and it's been hard to adjust. Sometimes I love having the whole place to myself in the evening with the kids asleep and my time truly my own. Mostly I don't. Mostly it's really lonely. Peaceful, but lonely. Not only have I lost the only other adult who is technically responsible for these 2 kids and a second body in the house to help, but I am mourning the loss of my best friend. Because no matter how he treated me, I always viewed him as that. The two of us talk A LOT as those who know us well can attest to. So now it's just really quiet around here (once kids are in bed obviously and I still haven't got the bedtime routine down pat with just me doing it every night yet). Right now I don't want the logic of all the good things that are coming from this situation, I just want to be sad about the loss.
Now that things have settled I feel forgotten by those who shouldn't forget me, like an afterthought. Like now that the major decisions are made and the hurricane has been weathered I don't need anyone. I get it-people have their own lives and they're busy. I get it. But it still hurts my heart. And there's another part of me that can hardly stand to talk about things because that hurts my heart even more. So that part of me just wants to be left alone to grieve and mourn my losses in solitude until time makes this bearable. This feels like a death to me-the end of so many things. All the "you'll get through it -you're strong/ it's for the best" comments are understandable but a lot of times people say other things and I wonder what is going through their heads. Like I don't understand this situation or the reasons it's happening? I don't need it spelled out for me- I GET IT. Empathy and tact go a long way. I'm just so heartbroken. Maybe I'll get a sign that says Fragile-handle with care and wear it around my neck til things start to get better. Because they will, right?
P.S. Bear with me-it's late and I just needed to vent.
P.P.S. MAJOR exception being my good friend and visiting teacher Karen who came this past week and was everything I needed her to be. Thanks hon.

Reality check

2010-07-26T23:44:00.002-06:00

I am back from Summerland and had the BEST time ever. I need to move there and see if I like living there as much as I like to vacation there. I feel SO connected to life, so connected to ME when I'm out there. Running down by the beach in the morning, swimming and boating in the lake, enjoying family and friends. I LOVE the water. I love being active and moving my body so much every day. It was the most relaxed I've been in at least a year. I didn't think about moving day or separating from Joe or packing or all the things I had to do. I just thought about what we had to pack to take to the beach or that I really should stop eating all this food or that the kids needed more sunscreen but not one bit about reality. I didn't even have to talk myself out of thinking and analyzing over and over-I was completely away from it all even though the source of it was in bed beside me every night, it didn't faze me. Got a bit sad one evening (only one out of seven-not bad considering sad has been my on and off state for over a month now) and went for a walk down to the dock. Just laid there on a bench staring up at the sky watching the clouds with tears running down my cheeks and listened to the water. Wondering how I got here, to this point, and where life would take me. Knowing that as long as I'm doing what's right (which is SO cliche but SO true) I will be guided by the Spirit and not fear the future. Wanting a guy who does the same with his life which is truly NOT the guy I have now. He is not guided by anything but what he feels like doing that minute ( we should all be so lucky).
I am learning a lot about what I'm made of. That I really will do what is asked of me when the going gets tough. And it's been tough. Learning why I've chosen the men I have in the past and why I've stayed in a situation that could make me a guest on Oprah. It's kind of like waking up from a deep sleep ,which sounds odd, but I am starting to feel alive again. Not just going through the motions. I used to tell Miss A that I felt like I had a fake life-what people saw definitely wasn't what I was getting. I don't feel like that any longer. The more people I tell and the more open I am, the better I feel. I think Satan tries to make us ashamed of what we've been accepting of and encourages secrecy. Someone told me the other day that true love gets better with time, not worse. What? This is a news flash to my love life. Tolerance has a limit and I have definitely reached mine. I move to my new house this Saturday with the help of many wonderful friends and family. It'll be nice to not have to be on guard all the time. Please don't think that I have been abused physically-I just went back and read this and it sounds like that's what I'm alluding to. Those of you who know my husband know what's been going on. I have absolutely been emotionally abused though and it hasn't been fun and it hasn't been right. I can give as good as I get but it's not my first line of defense, though it used to be. I don't want that kind of relationship anymore. It's not what I want my kids to think is normal. The world is crazy enough without the craziness seeping in through the cracks of my own house. I'm done with crazy. I want boring. Same old, day in day out, BORING. ( Maybe with a few sparks here and there-I am ME after all).
Oh yeah. Joe calls me at work today to tell me that Miss Cate has been busy tearing apart my jewelery box ( that he left open while he was downstairs on the phone) and he came up to see jewelery strewn everywhere and Cate FLUSHING things down the toilet. What things you ask? Only my wedding and engagement ring and the other half of 5 pairs of earrings. Yep. Really? Down the toilet. Now that seems awfully symbolic. I keep telling myself that they're only rings and I wasn't wearing them anyway. But it still hurts. I wanted to be the one to decide what would be done with them. Out of my hands (literally) I suppose unless they miraculously end up turning up when we move this weekend. Insert BIG SIGH HERE.
On the plus side. My fab-u-lous parents used dad's bonus points from his dental lab to get me a Sony 40 inch LCD TV to replace the monsterous beast that has taken up space in our family room these past 5 years. Public thank you was needed. I have the best parents. Initially I turned them down not wanting to use dad's points up til Joe told me I was crazy and to call mom back and gracefully accept their offer. Which I did. I'm not trying to play the "life as I know it will never be the same and they say divorce is 2nd only to death in stress levels "card but facts are facts. AND someone who will remain anonymous is buying me a brand new Samsung frontload washer and dryer to be delivered to the new house this Saturday. THANK YOU! I love laundry-I am the laundry queen and the thought of no washer and dryer was daunting but I knew I would figure something out eventually. Until anonymous figured it out for me. Joe jokes that we should have staged a break-up long ago as this is literally Christmas in July. Um-ok-funny but not. All of these items will now be the nicest things I own. LOL. Not so funny but very true. I am VERY blessed that those dear to me are helping me out so much as I move out on my own with these 2 small children. Can't think about it too much as my chest tightens and I tend to forget to breathe. No-usually I'm okay-just moments of what the heck do I think I'm doing pop up here and there. Nothing I can't handle.
So 2 very good things today and 1 very bad. As I re-read this post I realize I love the word SO and the use of the run-on sentence. Bear with me people. Crisis mode here-not worried about the little things. ;) I'm done-off to bed. Thanks again for all your prayers and love. I really couldn't do it without all of you. xoxo. E

Purpose

2010-07-15T20:56:00.003-06:00

A church near us has a billboard (for lack of a better word) outside and they always have sayings posted there. Some are funny, some are thought provoking. The other day I drove by and it said this: You're on this earth for a purpose. Find it. It really struck me and I know that is what this next chapter of my life is going to be about. My patriarchal blessing says a lot about service to my family and my fellow man and I do love to be busy serving others. I find with all the emotional turmoil I've been having about getting separated that I haven't had much time to really feel anything else. But the past few days I've felt so much better. Steadier. Not so crushed. Things are really starting to look up and I'm sort of excited to see what my future holds. Still taking life one day at a time but a LOT calmer. Thanks to all of you that have kept my little family in your prayers and on the prayer list at the temple. I can feel the help from above.
We leave for Summerland this Saturday for a week of bliss away from reality. I love Summerland. If you've never been there-GO. I call it Hawaii without the plane ride. I'd love to own a cottage out there someday. When we get back it'll be a week til the big move to my new place and thanks to my BEST FRIEND EVER (Alison) I'm 75% packed. Alison came over last Friday for 6 hours and then her and her 2 kids came Saturday for 7 hours and helped pack and entertain my kids. AMAZING. I've never had a friend I could count on like I can count on her.
So here's to new beginnings, old friends, and a heart that is starting to heal.

Therapy

2010-07-11T22:18:00.003-06:00

I want to thank you all for your amazing support from my last post. Tomorrow will be one month since I decided to separate from my husband and I have gone through every emotion in the book. Sometimes minute to minute. I heard Josh and Joe laughing when I was upstairs reading on my bed and just started crying. Josh doesn't know that these next few weeks are going to be the last that his family is together under one roof. I'm going to have Joe tell him when we're home from vacation because this isn't MY choice-I'm just reacting to Joe's endless poor unhealthy choices. So the news gets to come from his dad even though I'll be there. It's going to rock his little world and not in a good way. I'm REALLY not looking forward to that. Any advice you have to give would be appreciated. I'm not so sad about Joe and I's relationship because it hasn't been great for a very long time but I'm sad about our family relationship and how that will never be the same. We move out of our current home July 31st as neither of us can afford it by ourselves plus I need to start creating my own life without the constant memories from this house.
A therapist I saw at the beginning of the year told me that I dismiss things. Feelings, situations, bad behaviour-I just ignore it and don't let myself feel things fully because it's been too much over the years. I think I just got desensitized to getting treated poorly or crazy things going on in our house. Let me tell you-I'm feeling it all now. And I'm LETTING myself feel it. Kicked a hole in one of our (flimsy) walls one day when no one was around because I was SO angry and frustrated. Started bawling when a friend hugged me in the hall at church. Letting it all out. Hopefully that will make for a better fresh start in the future. No baggage to hold onto. Wish me luck.

Where do I go from here?

2010-06-20T23:54:00.002-06:00

This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. Joe and I have decided to separate. Most of you who know our situation will not be surprised. And even though I know it's the right thing to do I just can't get it together emotionally. I'm a wreck-not sleeping well and no appetite. This isn't something I WANT to do but something I HAVE to do. For my future and the kids. And for Joe himself. I am uncertain of where this path leads but I know where the path I'm on is taking me and I'm tired of it. I just want a life filled with some sense of normal and peace. Is that so wrong? To want what it seems like everyone else takes for granted. I'm tired of living in uncertainty. I know this life has not been what Heavenly Father wanted for me but I know I've grown so much from this situation. And it has always been up to me how long it continued. It's just hard to think that I'll be doing it on my own. All I ever wanted was to be home full time with my kids and now I'm going to have to go back to work full time to support us. I guess we all want what we can't have. Grass is always greener blah blah blah. I feel fragile and get really emotional at odd times. So many things hurt to think about. Everyone I've told says they're sorry. Yeah, well. I'm sorry too.

Time

2010-05-31T00:45:00.002-06:00

Hello friends. I'm still here. Just haven't made time to blog. My life overwhelms me to the point that I can't create anything-just try to get by sometimes and that means forming complete (nevermind witty) sentences simply isn't in the cards.
I loved regional conference today. Mostly because I got to go BY MYSELF and sit still in the very same chair for the whole 2 hours. It was bliss. I felt the Spirit stronger than I have in months and I really needed the boost. It reminded me about my purpose in life and that when I'm doing the little daily spiritual things that I don't hit the point where I feel disconnected. I feel like I woke up again. Like things are clearer. Hope it sticks.
It's my mom's birthday today. And Joey's Grandma Quist passed away tonight. (Nevermind what time I blogged this-it's not tomorrow til you've gone to bed no matter what the clock says) Which made me think about how I'll feel when my mom passes away (hopefully way down the road). My mom is one of my best friends. She is larger than life and her life is dedicated to those she loves the most. She spoke at her mother's funeral. I don't know if I could hold it together enough to speak at hers. She is pretty, fun, LOUD, kind, generous, sassy, stylish, and REAL. I am so proud to be her daughter. And tonight I am happy for Grandma because she is back with her sweetheart and not in pain any longer. We should all be so lucky.

Jamie

2010-03-21T22:42:00.003-06:00

If at first glance, this name doesn't conjure up thoughts of a firey, tall, broad shouldered hunk of Scottish man from the 1700's then......you haven't read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and are completely missing out on the kind of man you should expect YOUR man to be. LOL. I am in book 3 of the 7 book series and that, my friends, is what occupies my free time lately. Frankly, I'm slightly obsessed and will come up for air again in probably another month or two. See you then Blog stalkers!!
Love, E
P.S. Congrats to real life Jamie on her new baby GIRL!!

How long has it been since you shook YOUR thing?

2010-02-10T20:32:00.003-07:00

It's funny-I like to blog and get my feelings out but a lot of what I have been going through is too personal for me to feel comfortable sharing with most of you in Bloggerville so I find I just don't post as often as I could. When I have major stress I know it because I don't want to create anything and that includes coming up with something to blog about. Just trying to get through the days does me in most of the time.
That being said....I took my first Zumba class at the gym yesterday. It's a group fitness dance class that's got some really tribal based music with lots of heavy beats mixed up with Latin music that allows for plenty of hip shaking-think Shakira. I wanted to try something different and figured-why not? It was AWESOME! I haven't felt that ALIVE in a long time! As the mommy of 2 small kids and the wife to someone who often acts like a child (love you hon) I have a lot of "should do's" and "need to do's" on my list every day. This was something I did for purely selfish reasons and it felt great. Just moving my body in ways I never do and letting myself go wild. (I know-odd mental picture for most of you reading this) Sort of felt like the old days except without the next morning reprocussions. I am going to do it EVERY week! And hopefully as an added bonus it will get rid of the excess baby leftover around my waist from Miss Cate. Because it's only been 18 months-too soon to have it ALL as it was pre-kid, right?!?!? (Insert sweet comments from Bloggers about my cute figure that they fortunately don't have to see in the buff)
Speaking of the little demon. Her new nickname after the all out screaming TANTRUM she threw in church Sunday. Literally had to go shut myself in a room somewhere after someone had to shut the chapel doors so she couldn't be heard when we were out in the hall. Sigh. She pulled my hair 3 TIMES. She likes to just throw herself in random directions and ends up smacking her head really hard. You'd think that would stop the insanity but it just seems to fuel her fire. And I was SO PATIENT-I just sat on the floor and waited it out while trying to minimize the damage to both of us. She was just tired and cranky. Of course after that 20 minute episode she was an angel in nursery. Whatever-as long as she gets this all out of her system before she turns into someone else at age 15, I don't care. I'll probably have to use the same technique for managing her at that age....
When I got pregnant with Caitlyn I was training to be a group fitness instructor but I never ended up completing my certification and I really regret it. I see the girls I took my courses with teaching classes now and they're completely incredible and I wish I'd finished my course. As this seems to be a recurring theme in my life that I'd like to stop, I'm really trying to get in shape and complete my training but I find I'm hesitant to do it. Not sure what's stopping me really. I sort of suck at completing things. Great starter, poor finisher. I love to set goal's as my Type A personality craves the structure, but am hard on myself when I don't measure up to my own standards. Any insight or encouragement is appreciated, as always.
I must say a big thank you for those of you out there who post on your blogs regularly. They make me laugh, cry and think about things in ways I haven't before. My challenge to you is to do one thing this week that makes you feel ALIVE like jumping out of your skin, laughing little kid ALIVE.
Hugs from here,
E

Better

2010-01-06T14:51:00.002-07:00

For now anyways. Minimal drama for 2 weeks. I have felt the the influence of your prayers and thank you for them. It has made all the difference.
So. New Year. 2010. Feels like I should be making some life-changing monumental goals. Except I'm not. Sometimes just getting though life is monumental enough don't you think? Though after watching the seasom premiere of The Biggest Loser last night-I'd really like to get back to the shape I was in when I got pregnant with Caitlyn. Sigh.
And just for the record especially for those who don't have kids yet. I regret anytime in my life that I had the opportunity to nap or sleep in and neglected to take it. Enough said.
As you were.

Words to Ponder

2009-12-08T23:20:00.001-07:00

Launey said I needed to update my blog so here it is. There has been major drama at our house lately. Not drama I would like to share publically but it has knocked the wind out of me enough to mention that I need a little extra prayer said for my family by you out there in bloggerland. I don't watch soap operas because a) they're stupid and unbelieveable and b) I HAVE ENOUGH DRAMA OF MY OWN!! Through it all I have had my AMAZING friends and extended family who have been at my house when I needed them just because I said I did. I feel so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.
I think we all go through things in our lives to bring us closer to Heavenly Father and evidently he thought I was too far away. I feel such peace in knowing I'm doing what is right for me and my little family but it's still hard to do. They never taught THIS in Young Women's that's for sure. I guess I should have read the fine print on the "going to Earth" document I signed because I don't think I really knew that this is what it would be like. My best friend always tells me "you can do today". And you know what. She's right.
So here are some of the thoughts that have kept me going lately (can't tell you who said all of them as I don't know). Please post some of your own favorites.
Hugs from here, E

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Evil multiplies by the response it seeks to provoke, and when I return evil for evil, I endanger corruption myself. The chain of evil is broken for good when a pure and living heart absorbs a hurt and forbears to hurt in return. Deep within every child of God, the light of Christ resides, guiding, comforting, and purifying the heart that turns to Him.-Dennis Rasmussen

To wish that you were someone else is to waste the person that you are.

Some lessons in life cannot be taught. They must be lived to be understood.

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.

When we look at a statue of someone great, we think they've got something we don't. We are trained to think that only a tiny percetage of us have the stuff it takes to become a hero. Not many of us will cure any diseases or slay any dragons, but every single one of us, EVERY single one of us is called to be a king, a queen, a hero in our ordinary lives. We don't build statues to worship the exceptional life. We build them to remind ourselves what is possible IN OUR OWN.

PLEASE READ THIS!

2009-11-09T00:11:00.003-07:00

Noah Biorkman is a 5 year old boy who is in the last stages of neuroblastoma cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle. His family is celebrating Christmas this week and all he wants is Christmas cards. Let's try and see how many we can get to him from all over the world.

His address is :

Noah Biorkman

c/o 99.5 WYCD 2201

Woodward Heights Blvd.

Ferndale, MI

48220-1511

Please repost this to help spread the word about Noah! I chose to as he is the same age as my son and depending on the luck of the draw this could have been us.

Thanks!

Slow down

2009-10-19T20:59:00.006-06:00

It's been a whirlwind of a day. There have been many of those since Josh started Kindergarten and I went back to work (only 2 days a week-how can 2 days a week make me stressed?) I feel like I don't stop. I don't stop to eat or I eat standing up, barely stop to sleep. Because who has time for those things? I have a to do list a mile long that never gets done. I'm trying to remember a time when these things didn't matter to me. I cleaned when things got dirty, sat when the house was messy, went out to play without a thought as to how it would affect the next day's schedule. It's not til the kids are in bed that I feel like I can breathe because I only have my energy to deal with-not theirs. Go go go. I just want to SLOW DOWN. Enjoy life. Do the things that matter not waste all my time on the things that don't. Click here .I want to color pictures with Josh and stack blocks with Caitie. Honor those little people in my life because they are the most precious, sweet kids. Balance is always easier to find when I get enough sleep too ;)

So today once I'd thrown in a load of laundry, changed Caitlyn's sheets, fed the kids breakfast, got them both dressed, attempted to clean the kitchen, went to the gym, packed Josh's bag for school, fed them lunch, got him off to school, got her down for a nap, I sat. I sat and read Elder Holland's article from the September Ensign. I made time for something that REALLY mattered. (It's an amazing article-go back and read it if you didn't get a chance in Sept-like I didn't) There are so many things we HAVE to do in a day that it felt good to do something I didn't have to do but should do. In Sunday School, our teacher mentioned that the Ensign was modern revalation for our time and we should keep it by our bedside with our scriptures to refer to. Especially the conference issue-to keep it there until the next conference 6 months down the road. I'd never really thought about the Ensign that way before. Last November I read the conference issue cover to cover and it was amazing-first time I'd done that. I'm going to do that again when it comes this time. I love to read and I read quite quickly so it's very relaxing to me. It seems like there is always an article that I come across at just the right time to help me with something I've been struggling with-even if I've already glanced through the Ensign before-something new will often stand out.

Then tonight we had Family Home Evening. Which lasted all of 5 minutes due to 2 small kids but we did it. I tend to be super type A in that I have an idea in my head of how things should go and if they aren't living up to that ideal than I just don't do them. Heaven forbid it should be less than perfect. Sheesh. However, I'm really trying to focus on the things that matter so I grabbed the Friend and found an article about temples. We talked about the temple because Joe and I were sealed together for eternity on October 19, 2002-7 years ago today. He didn't remember that but I always do. I hope my children will value the sacredness of the temple as I do. I love the temple and can't wait til we get a temple here in Calgary.

And I slowed down enough to sit here and get my feelings out so I could be a calmer Mommy. Stuck on relaxing music and just typed. I met a lot of my goals today and I think if I can just DO instead of thinking about doing-we can have more days focused on the things that matter in the long run.

Bits and Pieces

2009-10-01T20:46:00.010-06:00

Now that it's October I feel like fall is officially here. September is always such a crazy month with kids back in school-it sort of feels like that should be the beginning of the year instead of January. It was a new beginning for our family this year with Joshua starting Kindergarten. He is attending a bilingual Spanish school where 30% of their studies are taught in Spanish. This is him before we left to take him on his very first day. It's the first time I've left him with someone where I don't know anything about them, other than their name, and it was a bit scary at first. Josh has already been teaching us some Spanish words and I can't believe how much he has learned in such a short time. Ever since he started school though he thinks everything is "awesome". He must say it at least 10 times a day. The only thing he doesn't like about school is how much it cuts into his time outside playing with his friends. It'll be interesting when he has to be there all day next year! Funny Josh statement of late "That mountain is bigger than my appetite". Where do they come up with this stuff?

First day on the school bus

I find with me being back to work 2 days a week I feel like I'm in constant motion. There is always something that needs my attention. And if I do choose to stop for a bit than things pile up twice as fast. I don't know if that's just typical of a mom with 2 very active children or if the ratio of cleaners to mess makers (1:4) in our house just means there will be more demands on my time for a looooooong time to come. I really don't like how it makes me feel. I feel like I'm just keeping up with the basics and the things I'd really like to be focusing on are falling by the wayside. For example, I can't remember the last time I took the kids to the park. My dad said the other day "Do you prioritize the things you have to do?" Ummm-yeah-basic kid needs come first followed immediately by household needs and husband needs are after that. My needs get addressed once everyone is in bed or occupied on the computer (ie.Joe). Soooo any tips from bloggerville on how you keep life in balance with work, family etc would be greatly appreciated!!
Here's Miss Cate (Age-14 1/2 mths)after her cousin's baby blessing this past Sunday. She seems to always have bruises or cuts on her face from running faster than her little feet can keep up and crashing into things. (hmmm maybe she gets that constant forward motion from me?) She is saying more and more words as the days go by and she loves to organize things into little groups (both my kids have severe Type A tendancies already) and stack blocks etc. It makes me miss the baby stage a bit but not enough to add another kidlet to the craziness yet. (sorry Launey) I just adore her.

Sorry for the bits and pieces but it's all I've got tonight. We have a little plaque on our mantel that says " We may not have it all together but together we have it all". That pretty much sums it up for this past month ;>

Summer Update

2009-08-23T15:11:00.014-06:00

I know I know-it's been a long time since I blogged. I just deleted 2 posts I'd started-one back in June and one from July. Started but not finished and now they are a bit redundant so here's to hoping I get this one finished!
We have had an eventful few months. Josh graduated from preschool in June and Mom, Leah and Joey were all able to come for the ceremony.

He starts kindergarten on Thursday and we're counting down the days til he gets to go. I'm a bit apprehensive because he has to take the bus and he seems so little for that. I worry that he will run across the road and get hit by an oncoming car as he doesn't really think much before he explodes into action. Must get that from his dad. Or it could just be the age. At any rate, Bubba (Graham) gave him a grandfather's blessing to start the school year and mentioned the whole safety/bus issue so I feel a bit better now. He seems like he's gotten so much taller this summer and he's definately ready for more to keep him busy than this mother can provide!

I went back to work in July just 2 days a week-Tues/Wed. It's a nice balance but if I had my choice, I'd be home full time, especially with Josh in PM kindergarten. Patients say to me "oh that's a nice balance and then you get adult conversation" etc etc. I just think-yeah and I get to drag my 2 kids out of bed one morning a week at 6:30 am to get us all where we need to be on time. It's IS good for me though because I really appreciate when I AM home with them. And truth be told, having a half hour lunch break (the days I actually get it) ,with no interruptions, is a treat. Just to sit and read in peace with only myself to worry about. I'm big on reading (which means I'm a TRUE Spackman underneath all the expressiveness). Our goal as a family is to get me at home full time but this fills in til then. It's nothing compared to working full time let me tell you. (I went back 4 days a week when Josh was 10 months old) Looking back at this past year, I can see that it everything happened for a reason and that reason was so that I COULD stay home as much as I'm able to now. If certain things hadn't gone through, I wouldn't have had the choice and would have had to work full time. So I'm very grateful for that.

Here's Caitlyn at her first birthday party on July 14th! Blame my crazy mother for the wild hat (which I loved). We had most of the immediate family there which is getting to be quite a crew. Launey made Caitlyn a GIANT cupcake for her birthday cake. Those of you who know me well know that cooking/baking is not the area that I find I want to spend my *ahem* best efforts. Mostly because my best efforts tend to look like someone else's just didn't give a darn. So Auntie made the wonderful cake (my slightly wild hat goes off to her) Caitlyn seemed to have a great time and everyone left stuffed and with ears ringing from all the little ones.

The weeked after Caitlyn's birthday party we were off to Summerland, B.C. to "camp" ( a term loosely used in this case) for a week. Flushing toilets and electricity are always my idea of roughing it and this year we were able to rent a fifth wheel to stay in that had AIR CONDITIONING. Another plus being the whole campground was blissfully unaware when said 1 year old wouldn't stop screaming. Didn't happen often but often enough to be worth the money we forked out for the luxury. Ususally I find my time in Summerland to be slightly surreal and calming but this time I didn't have as relaxing a time either because a) I'm not working more than 2 days a week which means I'm not as frazzled as I have been in the past by the time we get out there, b) vacations with anyone under the age of 3 years of age are not true vacations for the parent EVER , c) Joe had to come home for work for a few of the days we were out there so I was on alert most of the time with one or both kids or d) we only had 1 week instead of 2 weeks out there. Regardless, we came home tanned and wishing we had more time out there (again something we say every year). We're booked for 2 weeks next year and already have our trailer booked. Anyone that wants to join us is welcome!

This is how the rest of our summer was spent:

spray park at Prairie winds

Calaway Park

Calgary Zoo

Sea Dooing at Sylvan lake with family from out of town

hanging in the backyard with our "pool"

I have loved being able to spend so much time with the kids and Joe this summer. Summer is my favorite time of year. I'd love to move somewhere where flip flops are worn year round and winter jackets are a thing of the past. Maybe one day.

I have decided to recommit myself spiritually. Not that I've been doing anything that would put me on the naughty list but that I have been apathetic about my spiritual growth. My family cannot afford for me to be apathetic about my spiritual growth right now and I know it's Satan's way of trying to wear me down and wear me out so that I'm not where I need to be when things happen. Thursday I was able to attend the temple with my mom and my best friend for the first time since I've had Caitlyn. I know I need to get there more often.

So here's to August resolutions of being smarter about how my time is being spent and focusing on the things that matter. Hope your summers were spent in ways that make you happy and I can't wait for new beginnings for fall!!!

Humbled

2009-05-24T09:37:00.009-06:00

I was introduced to the NieNie blog by my best friend and have been devouring it's content the past two nights (click button on my sidebar for more). This amazing woman has been to hell and back and is continuing to inspire people all over the world with her testimony of faith and motherhood. She is someone who I wish I knew in person but I am just grateful that I was able to read of her journey and that it reminded me that I can get through what I am going through if I stick close to my Heavenly Father. For more on that click here

NieNie is the kind of mother I would like to be but am not. I want to be more connected to my children and have FUN with them. Just enjoy them while I can and while they want to be around me. Thank goodness for wake up calls.

My beautiful son Joshua Graham is 5 years old today. This picture was taken when he was 3 months old and you can see he already had that twinkle in his eye. He was 7 weeks premature and we joke that he couldn't wait to come to earth any longer. He has an enthusiasm for life matched by few and has never been the type of kid to fall asleep in the middle of anything. To sleep he must be PUT to bed (and then KEPT there)! He is amazingly empathetic, a quality I hope he keeps throughout his life. He is quick to give hugs and quick to forgive faults. He loves to meet new people and especially loves his best friend Isabella. He continues to love all things Halloween-witches, pumpkins, skeletons, etc and will sign his name JOSHW for Joshua "witch".

His preschool teacher asked me the other day which church we went to and I told her we attended the Mormon church. She told me the reason she was asking was because one day she was writing down things that made each child special and she asked Joshua what made him special. He told her " I am a Child of God". It brought tears to my eyes that he already has that testimony in his heart. I have loved watching him grow and develop and can't wait to see what the next 5 years bring. I love you son.

Disconnected

2009-05-15T23:29:00.004-06:00

I've been feeling blah lately. Life is a bit monotonous and I just can't get motivated. I open my eyes in the morning and listen to Caitlyn crying (because she always seems to WAKE me up instead of me already being up) and think-great-another day to get through.
And I'm not sure if it's just that this has been a long winter and now they're saying possibly snow flurries on Monday. Really. It's May people.
Or if it's that I'm still nursing but have a plan to get small child off the boob at least throughout the day so I can go back to work in a month and a half. Just have to implement this plan. Hmmm. Advice oh wise bloggers?
Or if it's the fact that I'm going back to work (2 days only 2 days I can do 2 days) in a month and a half and someone else (my MIL) will get to experience my children and take care of their needs when I want to be the one doing it.
Though sometimes I don't.
Or that my hormones are on the rampage from above mentioned small child.
Or that I am well versed in the concept of the run on sentence. Sorry.
SERIOUSLY. NEED. PEACE.
Or possibly just to get out of the house a bit more. Who knows. Not me obviously. But because of all the changes that seem to be looming on the horizon I'm trying not to freak out. Trying to maintain some semblance of order around this crazy house so that even if the inside of me is in turmoil at least my environment can be calming.
I want to feel some sort of passion and excitement for something but don't. Which is why my son's birthday party is going to be LOW KEY. Again. For some reason I freeze when it comes to planning things. Queen procrastinator. I think that's what they'll put on my tombstone. I admire those who have cute kids parties but somehow eliminate myself from that category on purpose. Why can't I just get it together already. ARGH! I'm hoping that venting will help and that someone out there in bloggerland will have some advice for me that helps me get back in the race. Cuz let me tell you people-it's a bit boring sitting on the sidelines.

Countdown

2009-05-11T00:35:00.007-06:00

Hello fabulous people. I know you're thrilled to hear from me ;> I was talking about my maternity leave ending the other day and counted the weeks left. 7 to go. Only 7. That's okay-I can handle it. I just sort of thought that day would never come. It was always far in the future. I'm a bit excited and I'm only going back 2 days a week soooo it will be fine. I'm one of those freaky people who are more productive the more they have to do so hooray for that. Less of a cheer for having to wake up to an alarm again. Blech. Hooray for scheduled lunch breaks and witty comments from Launey (which I HAVE missed)!

I read other people's blogs and wish I were as clever as them but I'm just me. It's not like I'm forcing you to read the details of my mostly mundane life, right? I had a great Mother's Day weekend. Lots of family which I love. It was the first Mother's Day I could say I have a daughter. I love that little girl.

Joe and I took the kids to the zoo on Monday and we all had a great time. Finally the weather was nice enough to actually be able to enjoy being outside.

Koala Caitlyn

Koala Josh

Here's to making the most of these last few weeks.

Wedding Memories

2009-04-24T13:54:00.004-06:00

1) What was your wedding date? February 24, 2001
2) How long from "I will" to "I Do" 5 months-I think. I can't remember if we got engaged in Sept or Oct.
3) Where were you married? The Institute (Not for crazy people-that came later ;> )
4) What were your wedding colours? Periwinkle and Silver
5) Who was in your wedding party? I had 2 close friends (that ironically I don't speak to now)and Joe had Mike Bourne and Rob O'Bray
6) Honestly, could your bridesmaids REALLY have worn the dress again? No
7) Did you LOVE your gown? Would you choose the same gown again? I LOVED my gown but would probably pick something different if I got married today. I still like the basic style but would go with something more elegant.
8) Flowers: Real or Silk? Real-my mom picked them out and they were gorgeous.
9) Reception: Full meal or Calling reception? Full meal after the ceremony and calling reception later that night
10) Dance or no dance? I think some dancing occured but we split fairly quickly afterwards
11) What would you have done differently? The wedding we had worked for us at the time but I would have preferred to have gotten married in the temple. Something a bit simpler maybe.
12) Any disasters? I didn't book enough time for hair and makeup before the ceremony started and there was a blizzard so we ended up starting about a half hour late.
13) Best Gift you received? Cash. I'm not the most sentimental person. My grandparents gave us a vaccum. Honestly-I can't remember anything that stands out especially.
14) Strangest gift you received? No comment
15) Most Memorable moment that day? My father in law giving me a hug after the ceremony and getting all teary. Those who know my husband well will know why. Also my dad leaning in the car window as we were about to drive off to our hotel that evening and telling Joe to take care of his little girl. Aww. I AM his only daughter.
Now feel free to post pictures for any or ALL of the questions, but post your favorite picture from your wedding at least!I don't care if you are married, separated, divorced, whatever! Join in!
Just to add a bit more-The older I get the more I realize how much I took for granted with how smoothly my wedding day went and all that was involved. I have to say a special public thank you to my mother who spent SO much time planning and shopping for my wedding while my family had just gone through a house fire November of 2000 and were in a rental home. She made it a beautiful day with every last detail just right for me. Thanks Mom. You're amazing and I love you.

I got nothing!

2009-04-07T22:12:00.008-06:00

Which is why it's been so long since my last post. Nothing new here. Kids getting bigger and louder. Spring may finally have shown its face for good. General Conference was great~loved Elder Holland's talk especially.

I've been working out miminum 3 times a week for the past 6 weeks and haven't lost a single pound. Darn baby weight. I have some really cute summer clothes that I'd like to wear-mostly because I have zero money to go buy more clothes. Sort of hoping that when I stop nursing this last 10 pounds will just fall off. Weight will do that right? Just sort of....disappear? Though I am definately feeling more toned. I'm slightly freaky in that I love to workout. Which is a good thing because I love to eat too. SIL has signed us up for a 10K in Sept. I've never run any race and would love any advice from bloggerland. Hopefully that will help with the weight loss too. Runners seem to have great bodies. And bad knees.....yikes. Already got those.

I find when women have kids it generally takes them a year to get back to caring about how they look. Since having Caitlyn, I have gone out in public looking the worst I've looked my whole life and generally not caring. Because really. No one notices. The checkout girl could care less if my hair is done or if I have makeup on. And when you're running on 2 hours of sleep, vanity is the last thing on your mind. But I'm starting to come out of my mommy stupor and want to look semi presentable again. Hence the working out and wanting to get my hair cut into some sort of style again. Not just throwing it in a ponytail.

Have felt shocked by some recent news. Sad news. I hate news that hits you in the gut and makes your world tilt on its axis for a while. Keeps you humble and keeps you wanting to do better I guess. I had a cousin pass away 3 years ago this July who was very young and I think of her often and how I can't waste my life because you just never know when life as you know it will change forever. I've been enjoying my basically drama free time for these past few months. Here's to hoping that will continue.

Some pics of the kiddies from March-they loved the zoo!

LOVE THIS!

2009-03-04T15:49:00.005-07:00

I'm reading a book that Alison gave me for Christmas called "Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy" by Merrilee Boyack. I'm only in Chapter 2 and already LOVE it. Two things really struck me. The first was a quote by Merrill Christensen who was speaking at a devotional at BYU about the truth behind comparisons.

He said " If we are content to simply be better than the world, comparing ourselves to its standards and practices instead of to the Lord's, we may pride ourselves on the widening gap between us and the world....At the same time [we are] dangerously oblivious to the increasing distance between us and the standards of righteousness we have covenanted to keep...
(This is my favorite part) Your value to Him is independent of your body mass index; your accomplishments in arts, academics, or athletics; your possessions, popularity, or marital status; your current calling in the Church; or any other thing that can be a source of comparison and competition. "

She goes on to quote C.S. Lewis a bit further in " Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man....It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride has gone."

Couples Survey

2009-02-16T20:03:00.004-07:00

1. What are your middle names? Joseph Aaron and Erica Jayne.
2. How long have you been together? We'll have been married for 8 years on Feb 24th but we've been together for 9. Miracles do happen.
3. Do you have any children together? Yep. Joshua and Caitlyn.
4. What about pets? No. We will get a pet when we a)own our own home and b) one of the kids is old enough to take care of it. However I also said I wouldn't get married til we were out of debt. HAHA.
5. Did you go to the same school? No-if we had we probably wouldn't have gotten married.
6. Are you from the same home town? Yes.
7. Do you live in the same town now? Um yeah, we're married. Oh wait. Yes we do. LOL.
8. Who is the smartest? Yikes. I like to THINK I'm smarter. Does that count? I'm less impulsive...
9. Who is the most sensitive? Him-hands down but he doesn't always show it.
10. Where is the first place you went to eat as a couple? Probably Denny's.
11. Do you wear matching clothes? Always. Or we don't leave the house. LOL. NO. As long as they're clean we're good.
12. Where is the farthest you have traveled as a couple? To hell and back. Oh-on earth. Hmmmm-Hawaii.
13. Who has the craziest exes? I'm sure it's Joe. ;>
14. Who has the worst temper? Joe but I come in a really close second. I'm a door slammer. He's a well-we won't go there in the interest of time.
15. Who does the cooking? I usually do when cooking actually does go on but he SHOULD. He makes way better meals than I do and they always taste amazing.
16. Who's more social? I am with everyone. It's a tie if it's people we both know well. People that don't know Joe think he's quiet. LMBO.
17. Who is the neat freak? Me-Mrs Type A. But I can let things slide a lot when I'm super busy or completely sleep deprived.
18.Who is the most affectionate? We both are. Physical touch is very important-we're cuddlers
19. Who is the most stubborn? He is now. I've mellowed after 9 years and 2 kids. Plus I'm the one answering this survey so I can put what I want. We're both eldest children though if that paints any sort of picture for you.
20. Who wakes up earlier? On average-me.
21.Where was your first date? Dec 26,1999 at the Bournes to watch movies with a majority of his extended family.
22.Who said I love you first? I think it was him but he says me.
23.How did you spend your 1st year anniversary? HAWAII. Which turned into a bit of a mess but was completely worth it because I don't see us getting back there anytime soon.
24. Who has the bigger family? Parents and siblings-me. Extended beyond that-probably a tie
25. Who is younger? Joe by 11 months and he always likes to bug me about it
26. Who is the life of the party? Depends who we're with but we're both pretty expressive
27. Who do you hope your kids turn out more like? I hope they get the best of both of us
28. Who wears the pants in the family? I like to think I do. He'll put his foot down when he feels strongly about something.
29. Whats your favorite thing to do together? We love to read or watch movies together while eating our treats. Which is why our waistlines are expanding :>
30. Do you have the same political views? Pretty much. Neither of us is really passionate about politics. We ARE Canadians....
31. Who has the most stuff? Me, hands down
32. Who controls the remote? We like to watch the same shows but he likes to hold the remote. It's a comfort thing.
33. Who does the driving? We alternate. If it's a road trip he can't relax if I'm at the wheel though.
34. Who takes out the garbage? Supposedly him
35. Who does the cleaning? I do the most but he'll help out if he's told what to do and it doesn't have to be done right that minute
36. Who does the laundry? ME. I love laundry.
37. Who is the funniest? He says he is by far. LOL. I typed it to make him happy. Marriage IS about compromise :>

Just average

2009-02-06T23:55:00.009-07:00

So glad January is over. It's my least favorite month. Bad things tend to happen in my life in January. It's just such a gloomy month. When I grow up, I will always vacation in January to avoid the dreary monotony. Though I don't have that travel bug that people talk about. It just has never bitten me. I like to go places but prefer to be home in my own bed in my own house for the most part. I lead an average life. And I'm okay with average. I don't really aspire to much other than leading MY best life, but I'm fine with not being the best AT something. I'll leave that up to the pros out there. However, one thing that I have created in my life that is FAR above average are my amazing children. And to me, that is what matters most.

Grow Up Already

2009-01-20T23:37:00.001-07:00

What age is too old to be living with your parents? And not working, eating their food, not doing anything to help around the house and not paying rent? It amazes me that society has created this generation of kids that mooch off their parents and that their parents tolerate it. It drives me ABSOLUTELY bonkers. Wouldn't we all like to be Peter Pan and never grow up and sleep til whenever we felt like getting up and be surrounded by nice things that we didn't have to sacrifice and work our butts off for. My goal as a parent is to raise adults-not have adult children taking advantage of my love for them by contributing nothing to our family or society. It's one thing to have a child come to you if they're in a bad situation and ask if they can move in for a while and set ground rules both sides can live with. It's completely another to have said child assume that they can always crash at their parents home with no regard for other family members and treat them like crap. No accountability. No accountability=no responsibility.
A woman I know has a 17 year old that has dropped out of high school, is completely addicted to drugs and sleeps til whenever she wants. And this woman says to me " What can I do about it?" What the hell do you mean what can you do about it? Don't let her back in! Tell her to get a job and move out. HELLO. My parents booted me out of the house the summer I was 17 and I lived on the streets or crashed with friends and believe me-you quickly realize that maybe living at home and following the rules isn't so bad. I get that there is no quick fix for every situation but more often than not, these kids are being completely enabled by their parents. There's a book called "The Parenting Breakthrough" that I LOVE as it guides you on how to teach children to do things for themselves. Wow. What a concept. Working for things and earning your way in life. How are things in the world going to improve when kids have this sense of entitlement?
And while I'm on this rant. I've been noticing another fabulous trend in the world. Men not being men. Not working to support their families, spending obscene amount of time on the computer and not with their kids, opting out of marriages that aren't convenient enough for them. I could go on and on about this one as well. Ironically, a lot of these men have been raised by really hardworking fathers. Grow up already. Part of being an adult and choosing to have a family is doing things when they don't happen to be convenient for you at that time. That's just life. Whatever happened to the MAN. The one who gets up in the morning and goes to a job he hates because he needs to pay the bills. Who is up through the night with sick kids? Who cherishes his spouse above all others including those in magazines and online? Where are THOSE men? If you have a man like that count yourself lucky. I'm not here to man bash and I get that there are women out there who slack in their roles as well. I just SO appreciate the get it done, motivated, kind, honest, loyal, hardworking man. That's way more attractive to me then good looks and a hard body. So for all you guys out there that are committed to fulfilling the role of a good man to the best of your ability my hat goes off to you. And for those of you out there that aren't, I challenge you to step up to the plate and be a bit better.

To sleep, perchance to dream......

2009-01-05T22:26:00.003-07:00

Or just simply to sleep. I miss sleeping. I miss sleeping and waking up ALL ON MY OWN. Not to a crying, hungry baby or a little boy who is trying to crawl into my bed for the third time that night. I am sleep deprived to the point that I left the wrong home phone number on my VTing companion's answering machine. Sigh. I'd be such a great mommy if I could just sleep for longer than 3 hours at a time. And I'd probably care what my hair looks like and how messy my house is.... Launey said today that I needed to update my blog. Frankly all I care about lately is the next time I can lay down and rest for a bit. From the minute I get up I'm looking forward to bedtime. Since this is my life right now-this is what I'm choosing to blog about.
Caitlyn has been moving backwards in her sleeping habits and has been nursing every 3 hrs with the occasional 4 hour stint. What the heck is that all about. Well-she's getting over a cold, often has bright red teething cheeks, has had absolutely NO real schedule to speak of during the past 2 weeks, and is probably on a growth spurt. Any advice on how to get a nursing baby to sleep through the night with all of that thrown into the mix? I'm always playing the what if game in my head when she's crying in her room. What if she's got the blanket over her head? What if she's poopy/wet/starving/too hot/too cold/too tired/not tired enough?????? If only babies could talk this whole situation would be dramatically improved.
She just woke up again and is crying right now. Argh. Passed off to daddy only to have the crying continue. Then I went into our room and Josh is passed out under the covers. Why am I the only one in this family that wants to sleep in my own bed?
Sorry this isn't very entertaining or enlightening but frankly I'm too tired to care about that either. Oh and did I mention that Caitlyn has a piercing scream. Like if the neighbours could hear her I'm sure they'd think I was beating her repeatedly. So I try to let her self soothe in the night only to hear the scream. Which if allowed to contines, wakes everyone up. So I pick her up and nurse her out of self preservation. And the cycle continues.
I think when I'm old I'll move in with her and scream randomly through the night. See-these are the evil mommy thoughts that go through my head when I'm tired. Okay-enough venting. Comment away.

Just a little bit

2008-12-06T23:59:00.004-07:00

I feel lately like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. Not a breakdown. BREAKTHROUGH. I've really been trying to say prayers morning and night and read my scriptures regularly and it seems like the world makes more sense. Or maybe it's just me making more sense... Funny how when you do what you've always been taught will HELP you, it actually works. Maybe there's something to this. :>
I've also been focusing on the topic of unity. Unity in my little family, extended family, ward family, etc. I really enjoyed President Eyring's talk this past conference on unity. Especially the part about not speaking poorly of others. That's something that I haven't been great at in the past. He suggests to look for what is best in people's performance and character and focus on that rather than being critical. If we all tried to do this the world would be such a better place to live. Our world tends to focus on the worst things-the disasters, divorces, and calamaties rather than on the positive aspects of life. If 50% of marriages end in divorce that means that 50% don't.
I remember last year when my skin had really broken out for months on end and I was quite self conscious about it. I was telling my sister-in-law and she said "Nobody cares but you". Not that they don't care about me, but that even if they notice it they're not all of a sudden going to think badly of me. You may notice that 5 pound gain on the scale but no one else does. Or if they do-they just don't care. They really have more going on in their lives than to worry about you. And if they don't-they should ;> So my challenge to those of you in bloggerland is to focus on the positive about people this next week. If someone is speaking negatively-change the subject. You get the picture. UNITY.Then blog about your experiences-either here or on your own blog. It is CHRISTmas after all.
I said to Josh " When you cover up the mas in Christmas then you get Christ because Christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ." He says " What about when you cover the t too?" So much for that lesson.
2 thoughts to end:

Be a little kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Remember that everyone you know loves something, is afraid of something, and has lost something.

A Caitalyst-if you will

2008-11-26T00:50:00.004-07:00

The funny thing about having kids is the relationship you had with your husband before kids is never the same one once little ones enter the picture. It's not worse-just different. Ever since Caitlyn joined our family we have formed a tighter family unit. She was born at the perfect time in our lives. Now, I don't remember the last time I was alone with my husband outside our house but the fact that the man will go to the library with me and the kids speaks volumes to me. And the fact that Joe-yes Joe-will come home from the library with Season 2 of Little House on the Prairie in hand and watch it with me on the couch speaks greater volumes. To others looking in it may seem like we don't have much, but to the girl sitting on the couch with her best friend, it is more than enough. I'd rather have a million little moments that mean so much than a few big ones. Though diamond earrings and a trip to Hawaii to go through the temple would be nice one day too.....;>

Tag!

2008-11-12T00:58:00.003-07:00

5 Placed I've Lived

Heaven
Provo, UT
My parents house
The dungeon ( 3 years!)
Summerland, B.C. (okay not yet but I will one day)

5 Snacks I love

Hostess cupcakes
Pickles and cheese
Sour skittles
Fresh fruit
Cool ranch Doritos

5 Jobs I've Had

Salesgirl at Below the Belt (Remember Barb?!?)
Nanny
Full time Mommy (also my current and favorite one)
Dental Assistant
Janitor ( in college)

If I had a million dollars I would.....

Have as many kids as I physically could and then adopt a couple more-then hire a chef and cleaning lady...
Take all my best girlfriends on a cruise and give them all a cruise clothing allowance before we went so they could feel their best
Have a nightly massage before bed
Have a REALLY COZY soundproof reading room with shelves and shelves of books in the massive mansion of a house I would need for all my kids. With a door that locks.
Somehow anonymously get envelopes of cash/gift cards to the people in my life I know really need it whether friends, family, or ward members. Someone gave us a $100 Safeway gift card anonymously once when we were first married.

5 things I love

Being organized
Josh's imagination
Caitlyn's chubby cheeks
Joey's backrubs
My mom's examples of unconditional love and the power of change

5 people who should do this tag...

Alison (because you need to get your mind off real life)
Julie ( because you need to think about something other than Gabby~J/K!)
Heather (to see if you're as practical as you seem)
Juliette (ditto above)
Erin (since we don't write each other letters like we did when we were little girls ;>)

Fulfilled

2008-11-02T23:42:00.007-07:00

I know I've mentioned this in blogs before but it's something that is a constant revalation to me in my life since I've been on maternity leave. Things that used to matter to me just don't anymore. Like if my hair is perfectly done or if my butt looks ok in what I'm wearing. I don't know if it's just because I don't have the time with 2 kids or that my attitude truly has shifted over the past 5 months. I have also been debt free and living within my means for the first time since 1996 ( Long time-Shocking-I know!!) This is also adding to the whole fulfillment issue. I don't feel the need to HAVE more but to DO more. I purged my closet of all the things I don't wear and find that I feel the need to take better care of the things that are left. The less I have to clutter my life and my home, the better. Suze Orman was on Oprah and she said Debt=clutter/chaos and Savings=Order/peace or something along those lines. That completely hit the mark in my life. It's like I'm finally getting the lesson I should have been learning all these years. It's GREAT!!!! I find such fulfillment in my role right now as a stay a home wife and mother that I"M NOT SEARCHING FOR IT IN HAVING STUFF. Amazing. Don't get me wrong. Things are great. But not when they're taking the place of the things you really want in life but can't or don't have at the time. I think we live in a world where people constantly do this. I can't spend lots of time with my kids so I'll just buy them a lot of stuff and that will fix my guilt and their neediness. Nope-doesn't work.

I really enjoyed this past General Conference as well. It left me feeling empowered as a woman in my life and home no matter what the situation. It seems like the message of unity in our wards and families was focused strongly on. The ward we are in is AMAZING. Our wonderful bishop has a knack for bringing people together. I really believe that as women, we are the keys to our families lasting in these difficult times and we HAVE to be the glue that sticks our families together. We need to be better than we've been. What worked 10 years ago won't work today as Satan has beefed up his game plan. We have to fortify our homes and be a source of strength and peace for our children. My paternal grandfather passed away recently and it really struck me how committed he was to living the gospel day to day and the righteous legacy he has left to his posterity. This October has really changed my outlook on the world. I think we all need that encouragement from time to time to keep us constantly committing to improving ourselves day to day. I had been stagnant for a long time and now I'm on fire again. It's nice to feel the burn!

Speaking of burning-I'm still trying to do Tiffany's challenge of losing 10 lbs by Christmas and did a full body workout at the gym on Saturday. OUCH. Not Biggest Loser worthy but I did push myself harder than I had lately and it showed in the sore muscles the next day. Funny that I didn't think I was in shape until I wasn't. Isn't that just how it goes. Here's to dropping a few more pounds in November.

Halloween was a blast this year. It was one of my top 10 best days so far for our little family. Joey even dressed up as a vampire as he'd dropped the ball last year for Halloween and was trying hard to make up for it this year. He completely succeeded. (Like he needed to look more intimidating than he already does-there were a few freaked out little kids in the neighborhood.) It's Josh's favorite holiday and he got to dress up as a witch which he's been talking about for months now. I gutted my first pumpkin this year and Joey gave it a scary face which thrilled Josh. Caitlyn was blissfully ignorant of the whole proceedings which will not be the case next year. That Halloween candy lying around isn't helping mommy here with the weight loss. Do any of you mom's out there NOT eat your kids candy? And how do you avoid the temptation???? Do tell.

Thanks to all you who share in our triumphs and defeats and constantly support us along the way. We could navigate our way without you...but it wouldn't be the same. :>

3rd time's a charm or 3 strikes you're out?

2008-10-18T14:54:00.004-06:00

My 3 Joys

My family

The gospel

Good books

My 3 Fears

Having to go back to work outside the home because I have to not because I want to

Not making it to the celestial kingdom with my husband

Sharks ( I had to get away from all the serious stuff!) We watched all the Jaws movies growing up and even when I jump into the deep end of the pool I get freaked out

My 3 Current Obsessions

What Not To Wear-Seriously. Cracks. Me. Up. Though some days if they captured me on a secret video I would look worse then their candidates.

Finding things to stick in my Magic Bullet

Trying to get more than 4 hours of sleep at a time

My 3 Surprising Facts

I LOVE to do laundry. I am the QUEEN of laundry(I need to be the queen of something.) Not enough to come to your house and do your dirty clothes so don't ask

I want to retire in an old cottage by a lake with chipped dishes and comfy quilts and an endless supply of books. Not sure where my husband factors in to this whole scenario.

I love to be near oceans and lakes-they calm me. Why I live in Calgary I don't know.

Beautiful Blessing Day

2008-10-15T01:44:00.010-06:00

Here is our sweet baby girl on her blessing day. She was blessed on Sunday, September 21 by her grandfather Graham Bourne. We were lucky to have many family members and friends in attendance and I was lucky to not be too sleep deprived to enjoy the day. I was up til 1:30 am the night before organizing our house which was ironic as the luncheon we had was at my in-laws. I just felt that the more organized we were, the more I'd be able to enjoy the day. I was right. We were early for church and I didn't feel too rushed. Here is some of what was said:

-You have chosen to come to earth at this time as one of the elect daughters of your Heavenly Father
We bless you to grow in strength and understanding of the gospel.
We bless you to be a light unto the world and a light unto those you meet as you share your understanding of your Heavenly Father
Listen to your parents and those who love you (I'll remind her of this one frequently)

Here's one of the better pics of our family-Josh was ready to be done with pics at this point. I hadn't slept for 2 days when he was blessed so I was grateful that was NOT the case this time around. Caitlyn continues to be an angel~let's hope the trend continues for many years to come...One of my favorite things is to have all my family gathered together and I had the best day. Thanks to everyone that came to support our family on this special day.

4 Generations or Caitlyn does the hula

Great Grandparents

Auntie Launey and Caitlyn

Josh really got a kick out of "Uncle" Mike that day. Mike is really great with keeping kids entertained and they were having a fun time playing around. Tammy and Ashley are in the background. We were thrilled their family was able to attend last minute and I really miss hanging out with them. It's so much harder to get together when you have kids.

I attended my first Shade clothing party at my good friend Wendy's home a few weeks ago. Yet another person I don't see enough of. I really loved the clothes-not sure why I haven't ordered Shade before now. Probably because I don't buy things off the Internet. Literally never have. I can't wait for my order to arrive. Happy post baby bump shopping to me. Now if only I could find some pants....

We attended the Calgary Corn Maze this past Saturday and though it was FREEZING out-we all had a great time. It was their first year and I was quite impressed with everything they had set up. Unfortunately the corn wasn't as high as it had been due to an early frost combined with a windy day that snapped a lot of it off. It was actually nicer to be able to see over the corn-not so freaky Children of the Corn feeling. Josh had the most fun out of our family for sure as you can see below.

Last but not least-Caitlyn turned 3 months old today. She continues to bless our lives with joy and I finally got her to belly laugh just for me in the mirror today. Usually she's laughing at her brother. I love this time in my life to be home with my family and it's really amazing to finally feel like I'm living the life I was meant to live, not the one I have to.

We're obviously going to have to work on the hairstlying and camera angles-LOL :>

Heartbroken

2008-09-27T22:41:00.003-06:00

These are my 2 beautiful children at their very best. Laying still and being quiet. So why am I heartbroken? Because this week when they were just kids being kids-well mostly Josh being Josh-I did A LOT of yelling and time out threatening. A lot. I let my frustration at things not having to do with the kids and my self imposed sleep deprivation get the best of me. So tonight after the amazing Relief Society broadcast I came home and just cried at how I'd been treating them-well-mostly Josh. You think when you have kids that you'll always be SO patient and kind and Christ-like and then feel like such a complete failure as a mother when you're not. So I got down on my knees and asked my Father's forgiveness. Then I went and knelt down by my son's bed and quietly asked his while he slept. And it's not that I haven't apologized to him numerous times this week after I've yelled. But really. Does that make much difference after the fact when I continue to behave the same way. Isn't there a little thing called restitution? I know what you are all going to post-that we all have our days and no one is perfect and I get that. But I'm still the adult and the ONE place that my children NEED to feel that they can always be safe should be our home no matter what else is swirling in the air around us. So I am recommitting to being patient and loving and what I need from you in bloggerville is ways that you deal with your children when you are tired and frustrated. I'm finding it challenging to balance Josh's need for my time with the pile of things I need to get done in a day. Please leave me your ideas and say a little prayer for me that I can continue to improve in this area and not break their little hearts with my actions.

It doesn't get much better than this

2008-09-12T00:11:00.013-06:00

Yikes! It's been a while since I posted but I have a new baby-I'm excused. Sooooo-updates from the last month.
My mother gave us a professional photo session with Julie Miller as a baby gift and I'm thrilled with how the pictures turned out. We had them done when Caitlyn was 3 1/2 weeks old and Julie was SO patient through the whole session. Especially since my daughter seemed to want to try to leave her mark all over Julie's home when we were trying to get her naked self immortalized. All's well that ends well. Luckily Julie's couch was leather.........

We have officially adjusted to being a family of 4 and having a girl in the house. She's not pulling too much attitude quite yet but she definately is a Daddy's girl already and I'm sure that I'll have to be the bad cop to his good cop for the rest of her life. Needless to say her wardrobe is twice the size of mine and twice as nice too. I think when a baby is born that it should be a rule that the mother should get an item of clothing every time the baby does. Because nothing fits me right now that isn't maternity or contains a LOT of Lycra or shows my baby fat rolls. Of course-I don't get out too much so it's sort of redundant.

I'm still in baby bliss with Caitlyn as she not only looks like an angel but acts like one too-she actually slept for 8 hours straight last night. It makes me want as many more kids as I can which is how they suck you in to having another one. LOL. For us that probably means one more but we'll see how we feel when she's doing more than laying there cooing at us with her big blue eyes. As you can tell from the picture to the left-her eyes aren't the only thing that are big. Our chubba bubba is just shy of 2 months old and she's 12 lbs 6 oz. Check out those cheeks.

Last week I took Josh and Caitlyn on their first bus ride to go visit with Aunt Patsy at the in-laws. I'm getting more adventurous as we are down to one car right now. Josh was thrilled to hop on the bus and every time someone pulled the wire to have the bus stop at the next stop he got really excited. He was a little confused at the lack of seat belts which also made me wonder why they figure we don't need to buckle up on public transportation. While we were there we decided to get a 4 generation picture with Great Grandma Bourne. It turned out pretty well considering it was a spur of the moment thing. I've really enjoyed visiting with Grandma Bourne and getting to know her better while she's been staying at Graham and Leah's.

I turned 33 today. Well-by the time this post is official it will be yesterday. My mom got me a Magic Bullet-let the blending begin!! And there are a dozen red roses on my kitchen table from the hubby. The best gift of today was that I got to spend my birthday at home with my 2 kids and not out at work. 9/11. Now that was a FUN birthday 7 years ago. However-it did make me realize that I was running out of play time and it was time to get off the fence for good and just go to church. I don't know why as humans we have to wait til tragedy strikes to wake us up and get us to do what we should have been doing all along. I also don't get why people get upset over getting older. I have enjoyed every one of my 33 years-some more than others-and I wouldn't want to go back to any of them to relive them. I'm an in the moment kind of girl. At least-I'm trying to be :> I feel so blessed to be where I am in my life and even though we've had some struggles this past year, it has made us bond as a family. I have so many wonderful friends and extended family to rely on when my trials are getting the best of me. I am definately learning patience and that sometimes it's ok to just let things work themselves out on the Lord's timeline. I hope this next year will be a CALM, boring one but none of the previous 33 have been.....

Here's Joshua on his first day of preschool this week. We have him going 2 days a week and he's attending with one of his best friends, Isabella, from his day home. It's just at the Temple community center and I love that I get to walk him over. Needless to say he's loving "school" and I'm really glad we decided at the last minute to enroll him. He's adjusted well to his little sister but I've been trying to emphasize the things he can do that she will have to wait a LONG time to do. I've been missing my one on one time with Josh and seeing this picture makes me realize how grown up he really is. He has elaborated on his standard 5 line prayers lately and we've been cracking up at some of the things he blesses.

Joe's been working long hours with a company named KWL

trucking doing dump truck work to pay the bills while he

continues to work on his solar street light business. I just hope that his business starts generating money before my mat leave ends so I can stay at home with my kids. I love creating my own schedule and not being ruled by my work schedule-it's SO liberating. I'm just trying to enjoy every day even if we're having a rough day-at least I get to be the one rocking my little one when she's fussy and playing Candyland with Josh (his latest obsession). Which is why it doesn't get much better than this ;>

I'm in love....with a girl

2008-08-06T02:05:00.003-06:00

Well-she is my daughter so it's not sick and twisted. You just forget how in love you are with your newborn-it's nature's way of getting you through the sleep deprivation. I don't know if it's because I expected to not sleep a lot or if it's just that she's an easier baby but the second time around is SO MUCH BETTER for me. Probably helps that she's not a preemie, my delivery was easier, and she basically eats, sleeps and poops with minimal crying in between. That was definately NOT the case with Josh. I love her to pieces-even the smell of her. There have only been 2 times I've been slightly annoyed with her the past 3 weeks and they were both middle of the night cases where she just wouldn't latch-just kept bobbing her head around and I was like-get it done or just go back to sleep so I can sleep please. I just feel so blessed to get the opportunity to have another child. I love that the kids are 4 years apart so I don't have to chase after a toddler at the same time that I have a newborn. I really feel like I got to know Josh before Caitlyn came around and fully experienced each stage he was at. It's really great not having to go to work too. I much prefer this job-it's really rewarding though challenging at times. I think I could get really good at it if I could just work at it for 20 more years. ;>

One thing I DO notice with having a new baby around is I just cannot read or watch anything about child abuse or children dying as it just hurts my heart too much and makes me feel physically ill. I'm not usually too bad with stuff-I get that bad things happen in the world. But when you have this precious bundle cuddled up to you and mommy hormones buzzing-the stories are too hard to stomach. So I try to cuddle her a little longer because I can and because there are babies out there who don't get cuddled at all.

On another note-Josh is starting to calm down from the upstaging that his little sister has brought into his life. He had a MAJOR-can't talk because he's doing the chest heaving crying-meltdown the first night he was home after being at my Mom's for 4 days when Caitlyn was first born. Which is understandable as that was the longest he'd been away from us in his short life and he'd had my undivided attention the 5 weeks prior to Caitlyn's arrival. But still was hard to watch and he'd been so great up to that point that it baffled me slightly. Today we had time just to ourselves while Joey watched Caitlyn-Josh and I went to Prairie Winds park just the two of us. I really miss our time together and it was fun to spend time with him. Lately he's been saying "Oh thank you Mom" all dramatic like and it always makes me smile. We also went to the zoo as a family yesterday for Joe's birthday which was nice but HOT.

Tonight Alison and I escaped to Southcentre for a girls night shopping trip and then our usual dinner at Moxie's. So Caitlyn has been introduced to the mall at the tender age of 3 weeks. And so it begins....LOL. It was fun to look at the GIRL side of the stores-all that pink-it's a good thing I'm broke right now. I had such a great time and really wish Alison and I lived closer-we always have fun together and I love that she's always there for me. It's nice that some relationships are just easy.

2 things that are baffling to me lately. Music on blogs. Why? I just don't get it-I guess because with Josh around there's always so much noise that when I'm on the computer I just want quiet. But I get that it is your blog so you can put whatever you want on it-I just always go down and mute the music. Except for the classical stuff on Tiffany's blog-Yurima or something like that-LOVE IT. Very calming. But that's the only one. Word verification. Again-WHY? Trying to prove my typing skills are up to speed or just making sure it's not my 4 year old trying to post on your blog? Fill me in here people. Though I do get posts only being shown with blog owner approval especially after the anonymous fiasco. Drama drama.

Speaking of drama-I watched the first episode from the first season of Grey's Anatomy. It was fun to see how the character's have evolved since then. Lately I've been thinking of trying to go without TV for a month. Which has made me realize how much TV I actually watch even though I think it's a complete waste of time. And September will start new season's of my favorite shows.....so that idea has been shelved for now. I don't watch TONS of TV but I do like certain favorites that I'm not willing to miss out on. I'll set some other goals first. Maybe next summer I'll try the no TV thing when I don't have to sit in a fixed postion and nurse a child for 30-40 minutes.

Just to show you what we're mostly up to lately-here's a hint. :>

Caitlyn Evangeline Bourne

2008-07-19T03:07:00.007-06:00

She's here! Here's the official story. Feel free to skip ahead if the whole birthing experience doesn't interest you.

My water broke Monday, July 14 at 8:45 in the morning. I wasn't quite sure that it was my water breaking but the reality of the situation hit after going through 3 pairs of garment bottoms while trying to lay back down in bed to go back to sleep. I called my Mom and Leah to say this COULD be it but I wasn't really sure. So I called my doctor as I wasn't feeling any contractions and they said I definately needed to go to the hospital to get checked. So I packed a bag for myself and for Josh as he was going to go stay at my Mom's. As I'm packing I start feeling slight cramping. Then it became more frequent. So of course I rationally did a load of laundry as those 3 pairs of garment bottoms meant I now had no clean ones. Pain getting progressively worse but still nothing serious. Nothing that stopped me from contemplating vaccuming the family room or tackling the dishes in the sink. However, I was having to stop and breathe every so often as the pain hit. So I showered and was drying my hair when my mom arrived around 11am with my cousin Daphne who was up this week visiting from Pensylvannia with her 4 kids. They asked how far apart my conractions were and I casually said about every 3-4 mintes. Daphne was freaking and saying that second baby's can come faster and how close is the hospital etc. I wasn't really concerned at this point so I went upstairs to finish drying my hair (because that will matter when I'm in the most extreme pain of my life) and when I came back down they'd put all Josh's stuff in mom's car including his car seat and Daphne made me promise to leave in the next 5 minutes. I'm still feeling pretty casual about the whole thing as we only live 5-10 minutes from the hospital. But then I went upstairs and threw up my breakfast and decided maybe we should get around to actually leaving.

So on the way to the hospital my pains are getting progressively worse and I can't really talk to Joe when they hit. We got to the hospital around 11:45ish and Joe dropped me off and went to park the car. There was a line to get in to triage and be assessed but as I was waiting and trying not to be too obvious about the pain I was in, I noticed that none of the other women waiting even seemed to be IN pain. Great. Now I feel conspicuous as I try to quietly breathe during my contrations. And slightly nauseous. I only had to wait about 20 minutes but it felt LONG. The nurse took me back to assess me and when she checked me I was dialated to a 6. What the heck? I thought the pain of a 6 would be WAY worse-at the most maybe I would be a 2 or 3. She seemed quite surprised too and said I was coping really well considering how far along I was.

They admitted me as an inpatient as Joe went to call Leah to tell her this was officially it and she'd better hurry. He called my mom instead and told her to call Leah (obviously I wasn't the only one not thinking rationally at this point)but mom was the one we decided to keep posted on how I was doing and if anyone wanted an update she was the one to call. They put me in a delivery room and then Leah arrived. Pain is getting progressively worse. Maybe at a 6 out of 10 and I'm having to REALLY concentrate on breathing through the contractions at this point. Joe decides he's hungry and goes to get something to eat around 1:30. I told the nurse I was thinking of trying to not have an epidural and she said that sounded like a good idea as I was still doing really well on my own. I asked the nurse about pain meds but she says morphine can make the baby not nurse well etc but she'd grab the laughing gas. I used it for 2 REALLY painful contractions that as I stood beside the bed I had to clutch the bed to get through them. I was starting to think that whole no epidural thing was a bad idea as even though I was clutching the mask to my face and sounding like Darth Vadar, it wasn't really even TOUCHING this pain. Felt dizzy and laid on the bed and then I was done. It hurt SO badly-I couldn't even really focus on anything but that stupid mask and breathing and moaning into it-so the nurse panicked slightly and said she needed to check me. Oh yes-fully dialated and at this point my body is just taking over and I'm starting to push while she frantically pages the doctor. Still no sign of Joe anywhere. From here on out it's slightly a blur to me but Leah was trying to dial Joe's cell phone and kept getting a busy signal ( hospital phone-no one told her she needed to dial 9 first) and finally says to hell with it-and they page him to labour and delivery. He is on his way back on the main floor, hears the page and just starts to run toward the elevators yelling "Hold the elevator" and some random guy yells down the hall"Hold the elevator!"-LOL. He comes into the room about 1:55 and I'm pushing for all I'm worth. Still in my own world of delirium at this point. I remember them telling me to hold behing my knees as I push and in my head I'm thinking-I'm trying to deliver a baby here people-maybe someone could HELP me and hold my knees for me?! Still feels slightly surreal that I've been at the hospital for 2 hours and I'm pushing this kid out. Her heart rate dropped to 30 and the doctor said if I didn't get her head out right away they would have to use the vaccum. 2 pushes later-boom-out comes the head but her shoulders are so broad that now I have to push those out too. Cut me some slack here kid. Leah said she thought it was for sure a boy when they said that. Nope-baby comes out at 2:03 and they say it's a girl. Euphoria. As SOON as she's out-pain stops. No word of a lie. Bit of freezing that I didn't feel at all-2 little stitches and done. Amazing. So in hindsight would I choose NO pain meds if I knew how much it would hurt-probably not-but considering the recovery after-I'd definately try without an epidural if we had another baby. I delivered an 8 lb 6 oz kid and only took Advil/Tylenol for the pain. Which I take if I have a headache. AMAZING. I have to toot my own horn on that one.

So she obviously has a full head of hair and looks a lot like her daddy. My mom has already said she's going to nickname her "LG" for Little Joe. I'm completely in love with her and she's been a really easy baby so far. It's been such a blast dressing her in cute pink clothes and she wore a little dress today for the first time. She's nursing well but she is jaundiced so we're at it every 2-3 hours the past 2 days which is surprisingly fine. I'll post more later as if I go to bed now I'll get an hour of sleep before her next feeding. Ah the life of the nursing mother of a newborn. Wouldn't change it for the world. The onesie she's wearing below says "little sister". Bow and blanket courtesy of Auntie Launey-thanks Auntie.

Slacking or sleep deprived???

2008-07-02T23:31:00.004-06:00

Hopefully today wasn't a glimpse of things to come. I had basically no sleep last night for the 14th day in a row-no word of a lie-and so Josh spent most of the day in front of the TV except for the 45 minutes I kicked him out to the backyard to get devoured by mosquitos. I was just SO tired-I didn't want to deal with anything. HORRIBLE. He can quote scenes from Ghostbusters by heart. Sigh. This doesn't bode well for when there is a screaming infant around to add to the sleep deprivation. I don't know why my body won't just rest for longer than 1-3 hours. Actually I did get 4 hours in a row last night-from 1:30 to 5:30AM, then I was up til 7 and slept til 9. People keep saying my body is getting ready for the baby-what the heck-I still have 3 weeks to go? Or do I......?
Which brings me to the show I watched tonight. I'm trying to stay up as late as I can to see if it helps the whole sleeping longer thing. There was a show on called Baby Borrowers where teen couples who think they're ready to become parents move into homes for 3 days and watch other people's babies. One person out of the couple has to go to work and the other is home with the kid all day. They have professional nannies watching them in case of emergency but they're not allowed to help and the babies parents can monitor their child on cameras 24/7 and go into the home at any time if they feel it's necessary. HA! It made me realize that I'm a better parent than I thought-despite the mind numbing amount of TV/DVD's Josh watched today. Some of these teens started crumbing in the first 12 hours. Welcome to the real world honey. Yeah babies are cute and cuddly....til they're teething and it's 3 AM and you haven't slept for 2 nights. It made me feel so....SMUG. Though none of them sat the baby in front of the TV all day. Hmmmmmmm. At least I made dinner tonight-he ate well.
I've been off work for almost a month and it's kind of weird to not go to work. This is the longest I've had such minimal responsibility in 11 1/2 years-not having to go in to work yet not had to take care of an infant. I almost feel like I have to justify myself to people when they ask what I have planned for tomorrow and I say "Nothing". Not one thing. Maybe we'll go to the park/paint a picture/organize some more. It's funny how society is so go go go and if you're not you feel like you're not contributing your fair share. Again-I AM 9 months pregnant so I try to give myself a bit of leeway on this one. Plus this is the last time I'll be able to be selfish and do nothing for A LONG TIME. Once you've had one child you realize that life as you know it ends when there's an infant around. Not a bad thing-just a fact. Not something that can be fully explained to someone who doesn't have kids. I sound so negative about the whole infant thing-I'm not-I AM excited. However, I always say I'm an optimist but a realist. So though I'd like to think that this baby will be totally different from my experience with Josh and not scream for hours at a time, sleep through the night at 6 weeks and I'll be able to nurse them in bed I'm not holding my breath.
We'll definately go to the park tomorrow. Thank goodness we're not judged on one day of parenting. :>

Things I've noticed

2008-06-22T15:05:00.003-06:00

It's now been 2 weeks since I've been off work and I've noticed a couple of things about myself. Some good, some bad.
1. When I have no solid time to get up in the morning, I have a much harder time winding down at night and getting into bed at a reasonable hour. Which means I'm generally not in bed before midnight. It's actually quite liberating. LOL.
2. It's infinately more pleasant to wake up to my son's smiling face beside my bed telling me it's time to get up than a blaring alarm clock-no matter what time that happens to be.
3. I'm more of a perfectionist than I thought I was. The longer I'm at home the more I realize that there are definately things I like done a certain way when it comes to the housework.
4. The more I'm home, the more I nag my husband. Poor guy.
5. I'm slightly laundry obsessed. Ok more than slightly.It's that instant gratification thing-what once was dirty is now clean and back where it belongs. If only life were so simple.
6. The amount of time it takes me to lose my temper with Josh is DIRECTLY related to the amount of sleep I have had. Period. For some reason I have not realized this concept til now.
7. More time home does not (unfortunately for my family) equal more home cooked meals. I just don't like to do it. If any of you want to swap home cooked meals for housework-let me know.
8. It's really nice not to deal with other people's crap all day and only have to worry about what goes on here. Quite selfish of me isn't it?
9. The more I'm around Josh the more I want to be around him and miss him when we're apart.
10. The same cannot be said for my husband.
11. The more time I have to do things, the less gets done. If you want something done, ask a busy person (and probably not one who is 8 months pregnant)
12. More available time doesn't mean I spend more time on my spiritual self-see #11
13. More available time also doesn't mean I'm any more on time for things than before (I know Mandy-I have NO excuses!!)
14. I spend more time blog hopping now than I ever did before~not sure why I care about some random stranger's pictures of their 2 year olds birthday. I think I need to buy a timer to go beside the computer and set some sort of limit to this
All in all, I realized I really do enjoy not working outside the home but sometimes miss the feeling of importance I got from being "SO" busy. I do like not having to hand Josh off to so many different people and just be able to take care of him myself. It's nice to focus on quality time with Josh before this baby makes an appearance. Only 2 things about pregancy are bothering my lately. 1.Trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in at night. I have never used this many pillows for sleeping in my life! 2. Acid reflux. Yuck. 1 month to go...

Last Day of Work

2008-06-09T17:11:00.002-06:00

Friday, June 6th was my official last day of work. On Thursday, the girls booked fake patients for an hour so we could close down and celebrate with Thai food (thanks Boss!) and homemade strawberry cheesecake (Thanks Joi!!). The office also got me a $100 gift certificate for Riverside spa which I will make very good use of! I've been so lucky to work there for 11 1/2 years and I'll really miss some of our patients and the social interaction aspect of it. I definately WON'T miss getting up at 5 :45 am 3 days a week to get myself and Josh out the door, him at day home, and me at work by 7:30 am. In fact it was quite blissful to look at my alarm clock this morning at 7:15, smile, and proceed to go back to sleep til 9. Plus I'm still getting paid for this month as I had holidays saved up.
I took Josh to Prairie Winds park for 1 1/2 hrs this afternoon and it was so nice not to feel like we were rushed or have my mind racing about what we needed to get done. We just stayed til we were all played out. I took him to the bottle depot and he kept scrunching up his face and saying "It smells in here". Yeah-can you imagine working in that smell for 8 hours? As we got in the car I said-that's why you need to get an education so you have the option of NOT working in that smell. So I'm officially a stay at home Mom and now only have one job to contend with. We'll see how long it takes for the novelty to wear off-if it ever does.

Turning Point

2008-06-03T23:01:00.002-06:00

Today is officially the most pregnant I have ever been. I'm not sure what to expect from here on out but people keep telling me that I'm just going to be getting bigger. Yeah-thanks for reminding me. Not sure how that is going to happen as the skin on my belly feels as stretched as it can be but there's no turning back now. Funny how when you're pregnant everyone is allowed to comment on your weight but how would someone feel if I walked up to them and said-Woah-you're so much bigger than the last time I saw you. LOL. At least I'm fat with purpose. It's slightly odd to that I don't really even care about the weight-it just means baby is growing like they're supposed to.

I'm SO excited to meet this new little person. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl-just the fact that we get to add another little one to our family. There was a time that I wasn't sure it would happen between all the drama of the past few years. It's feels sort of cavalier to say God has a plan but when that plan and my plan aren't meshing, it's hard to try to figure out exactly which curveball to dodge sometimes. And then my plan and his do mesh the very same month that I think-if I'm not pregnant this just isn't meant to be and we're going to stop trying. All signs point to this NOT being a great idea from every logical perspective. Luckily He anticipated this line of thinking and voila-positive sign on the test. Plus is there REALLY anything logical about having kids. Oh yes-please sign me up for gaining at least 30 pounds while being violently ill every other day, then going through the valley of death to take home a crying, pooping, demanding bundle to whom I am a slave to their every need. And that's just the beginning. And once you do it you'd never go back. In fact you volunteer to do it again-thank heaven for selective memory-labour wasn't really THAT bad, right?

Josh came early because I was leaking amniotic fluid for a few weeks. No leakage yet this time other than from these growths that used to be my petite B cup lovelies. Not so lovely now. TMI I know but it's my blog. Evidently I was a cow in a former life. (No comments please) I saw my MD Friday and she mentioned sending me for an ultrasound to check my fluid....until she felt my belly. Definately LOTS of fluid this time. And so we venture into the unknown. Wish we luck.

Despite the joking I've been thinking a lot lately about people I know who for one reason or another haven't been able to have kids. Though I can't say I understand how that would feel, my heart goes out to them. However, I do know what it feels like to want one thing so badly you'd give up almost anything to get it. We are all blessed in different aspects of our lives at different times of our lives and it's easy to look at others and think they have everything they want exactly when they want it. If only we could see their reality I'm sure we would think differently.

4 Year Old

2008-05-24T18:53:00.004-06:00

Joshua turned 4 today! We went and had his picture taken at Superstore-I sort of wish the girl had been more creative but it still turned out great. Not even close to some of the photographers I know but you do get what you pay for. It seems crazy that it's only been 4 years since Josh has been with us as I can't really remember what I did before he was here. Then Joe, Josh and I went to Montana's for lunch and they sang to him and tried to put the moose ears on his head (which he would NOT allow) We got him a bike for his birthday-I figure when this baby shows up then we can go for walks and he can ride his bike while I push the baby in the stroller. At least it will encourage us to get out of the house and give me more exercise than just moving from room to room. 8 weeks to go-if this were the same timeline as Josh I'd be having this baby in 1 1/2 weeks. YIKES-no wonder we weren't ready.

I've noticed that since having Josh I'm slightly obsessed with him. I don't know if mothers with only one child are like that or if you just get obsessed with each one as they come along. Most of the pictures I take are of him and I'm rarely in pictures anymore. I love to be with him and we keep counting down the days til Mom doesn't have to get up and go to work in the morning (10!!!!) He cried on Fri morning when I left for work and it doesn't happen often but when he's upset and the longer I stay the later I am-it just sucks. I'm SO excited to go on mat leave-I hope this baby will cook at least til early July to give me time with Josh and to get this house organized.

These are my 10 favorite things about my son:

1. His hugs and kisses-he's very affectionate and has always been a cuddler

2. When he tells me he loves me

3. Watching him enjoy things-he's SO expressive and I love to watch the expressions on his face

4. His big brown eyes

5. The way he says his prayers-doesn't matter if it's to bless the food or before bed-it's the same prayer word for word and don't think you can try to tell him how to change it.

6. The way his little legs look in shorts

7. The twinkle in his eyes when he's teasing me (must get it from his Great Grandpa Bohne)

8. That he's obsessed with all things Halloween-ESPECIALLY witches

9. When he gets shy

10. His imagination

The Rescuer and more randomness

2008-05-07T00:45:00.002-06:00

I tend to rescue. You have a problem-let me help you fix it. Let me listen to everything that's wrong with your life and we'll come up with a game plan. The problem with rescuing is it does nothing really to help the other person grow and figure their problems out on their own. They get to play out the victim role. This is one important lesson I have learned this past year-so now I say things like " How do you plan to deal with that?" and "I know you'll figure out what to do". When I'd SO rather give my two cents. Or ten cents. I'm really good at giving my ten cents-a little too good sometimes. I need to learn how to sugar coat things a bit better. I know this will help me in raising my kids and heaven knows I'll need all the help I can get. I always say to Joe that I'm an optimist but I'm a realist.
And sometimes when you're always the rescuer...it would be nice to be rescued once in a while. Sometimes it would be nice to be taken care of once in a while instead of being the one who takes care of everything. I'm sure no other woman can relate to that ;> Lately I feel like I'm the one keeping all the balls in the air- at work, at home etc. Work is CRAZY lately. I can do things really well if I only have a few things to focus on. Like if I was at home 8 hours of the day instead of at work-my house would be more organized (or so I'd like to believe). But I am and it's not and some days it's enough to drive me batty. I'm into organizing lately. STRUCTURE. I think it's from watching Jon and Kate plus 8-now that lady is organized. And slightly crazy in her type A organization. I'm sort of jealous. I just don't have time to focus on that right now-rather I choose not to. And somehow Grey's Anatomy still gets watched every week so I obviously have my priorities....
The closer I get to my maternity leave ( 1 month!!!!) the more I'm looking forward to it. At least I can stop juggling one of those balls-only to pick up about 3 more when I have a new baby in the house. I do enjoy my job but after 11 years it's time for a career change. I'd like the chance to try being a stay at home mom and all that comes with it. I feel like I'll do anything to be able to stay at home after this 2nd baby comes. Especially when they're little because when they're older they won't care as much-at least they won't admit they care. I miss Josh so much some days and I go in his room at night and just watch him sleep-wondering if we've even spent any time together that day that he'll remember. He's been getting really upset lately when he wakes up and I'm already off at work. I keep telling him that soon mommy will be able to be home every morning and he gets all excited and hugs me tight. That's one thing I love-he's such an affectionate kid. Sometimes I'll be getting ready and he'll say " You look so beautiful!" The other night as I was tucking him into bed he said " I missed you-you're my best friend. I love you sweetheart". Something about your almost 4 year old son calling you sweetheart. Sigh. It makes up for the past hellish Sunday with 2 time outs.
Speaking of Sundays. When I sit there wrestling with my son and counting the minutes until sacrament meeting is done and he's off to Primary I wonder if the women whose husbands are there really appreciate that they're THERE. Even if they're almost as annoying as the kids are, at least they're present and accounted for. One day I would like my husband to be THERE. But it's kind of the same way I wonder if really wealthy people truly appreciate their big houses. I would appreciate a big house. Actually any house that I knew I was paying into and not having to move from in the next year.
Blah blah blah. Next time I won't post at 1 am because I can't sleep. :>

20 Ways to Tell you're Grown Up

2008-04-12T21:58:00.003-06:00

My cousin posted this on our family website and I thought it was SO TRUE. Unfortunately. Sigh.
1. Your houseplants are alive.
2. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed
3. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
4. You watch The Weather Channel
5. You don't sleep in a twin bed
6. Instead of sneaking back in the house, you're the one waiting with worry & anger
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of 'going steady' and 'breaking up'.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach
19. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
20. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

Favorites

2008-04-11T17:48:00.003-06:00

5 things you cannot live without under $10
1. Really cute bookmarks
2. 7-11 5 cent candies
3. Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream
4. Aveeno Lotion
5. Lip Smackers Vanilla Chapstick

5 favourite movies
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Simon Birch
3. Sommersby
4. The Notebook
5. How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days

Baby names you love(but won't use) As Joe has vetoed most of them...
Girls:
1. Reagan
2. Alexis
3. Emily
4. Ashley
5. Mikaela
Boys:
1. Matthew
2. Jacob
3. Jackson
4. Ethan
5.Tarek

5 songs you could listen to over and over:
1. No Ordinary Love-Sade
2. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
3. Godspeed-Dixie Chicks
4. You Are Loved(Don't Give Up)-Josh Groban
5. Where Would You Be-Martina McBride

5 people who influenced your life in a positive way:
1. My mother
2. My father
3. One of my best friends-Kim
4. My mother in law
5. My piano teacher-Gail

5 things that stay in your purse all the time:
1. Chapstick
2. Kleenex
3. Mac Lipglass
4. My Wallet
5. A pen

5 moments you knew changed you forever:
1. When I decided to come back to church-for good (August 1999)
2. When I went throught the temple for the first time (October 2002)
3. My wedding day (Feb 24, 2001)
4. The day Josh was born (May 24, 2004)
5. The day Joe moved back in after we'd been separated for 5 months (July 2006)

5 obsessions you have right now:
1. This Blog
2. Most of the reality shows on TV-LOL
3. Reading (this is a lifetime obsession)
4. My son (another lifetime obsession-I just LOVE him)
5.Facebook

5 places you would really love to go:
1. To Disneyland with my little family once the kids are old enough to appreciate it
2. HAWAII for like a month
3. Mexico
4. Italy
5. On a Carribean cruise

Bear with me

2008-04-11T15:23:00.004-06:00

Finally I have an official blog that will get updated more than once every 2 years ( Joe tried to create a blog but it wasn't quite working out) I wanted a space just for me to get my thoughts out. You have been forewarned.

This is mostly pregnancy related but since that IS my life right now-it's what I'm usually thinking about. I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and just this week I've started to feel big. Like REALLY big-although evidently my uterus IS the size of a soccer ball at this point. And I'm not used to feeling big-I'm usually a pretty average size although I was 20 lbs heavier in college. It's especially noticeable when I put on my Lululemon workout pants (they don't make a maternity line as everything stretches-supposedly). You kind of look in the mirror and think-what's the point of going to the gym-I'm only going to get BIGGER the next 15 weeks! But after my weekly Biggest Loser TV addiction I went to my class Wednesday morning and felt pretty good but really tired after. Every week I watch Biggest Loser while eating junk food and it makes me want to workout. LOL. I'm not joking-it's my worst habit-snacking while watching TV. Well, maybe not my worst habit. That's why I workout-so I can eat whatever I want-because I will anyway so I try to balance it out. I am glad I haven't gained as much weight with this pregnancy as I did with Josh. I gained 35 lbs with him and only went to 33 weeks. Yikes. Only 18 lbs so far-I'm not quite sure why I haven't gained as much-it's not that I'm really doing anything different....other than running after Josh. Ahhhhhhhhh. Speaking of Josh-this picture is him at 3 months old (Aug '04)and it's one of my all time favorites. It makes me excited to meet this next little one.

I've enjoyed being pregnant much more this time than last. I've become really ZEN and that's a new thing for me. I don't know if it's because I've done this before therefore the puking breakfast up while in the middle of it doesn't phase me as much or if it's because of where I am in my life. I was on an emotional roller coaster with my first pregnancy-always mad or sad. Once you have a child you realize that the word "control" doesn't mean what it used to. I have let go of a lot. I like that saying "it is what it is". And I try to avoid the word should. Yeah-lots of things SHOULD go a certain way. But they usually just don't. Accept and move on. I've also been in a purging frenzy-anything that we're not using I don't want sitting around cluttering up my space (which will shock those of you that have ever been in my house as I usually hoard things). I don't think that technically qualifies as nesting but I've never felt this way so I'm not quite sure what to call it. I just want everything in it's place because I know once this baby comes if something hasn't had a place-it'll never get one. Maybe it's just common sense~LOL. Maybe I AM starting to work smarter not harder. Wouldn't that be a novel concept.

One last note. I want to thank those of you who have been a constant support to me over the past few years. You know who you are and I couldn't have made it through without your advice and love.